FIL Dying

[Anonymous]

My FIL is sitting in Innova Fairfax. He’s 84 and went to the ER for an uncontrollable cough on Tuesday. Metastatic liver cancer that has spread to the lungs and spine. Outlook is as bad as you would expect. He is not taking any treatment.

We have the advanced directive, will, passwords to all accounts, and power of attorney is being handled today as MIL is not in any state to make decisions. My wife is a wreck.

What am I missing?

What else should I be doing right now?

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry. That's awful!.

Could you be the spokesperson and field phone calls etc from family and friends.



What are plans for burial?

[Anonymous]

Support your wife. Take all responsibility for the kids and the house. Make sure there is food to eat, not just groceries, in the house. Whatever email, mail, or phone call that comes in and you want to discuss with her, either make the decision on your own or wait until she's in a place to talk. Just sign the permission slip---no need to even bring it to her attention.

Bring her a cup of coffee, tea, wine and walk away--take the kids with you. Make sure her car has gas in it.

There will be lots of paperwork and administrative stuff to do later. If MIL is still alive she should have knowledge of existing accounts. My dad passed away about a month ago. The good thing about dying now is all the tax forms are rolling in so it's easy to figure out where the bank accounts, insurance policies, brokerage accounts are.

I'm sorry for your family's loss.

[Anonymous]

Do you have his wishes for what happens when he passes? Funeral home, cremation vs burial. If cremation what does he want to happen to his ashes? What kind of funeral or celebration of life?

Is he able to go home with hospice? If yes, where? Can he go to your house so MIL doesn't have to continue to live in the house where he passed?

If staying in the hospital, have comfort measures been discussed? This means the only meds given will be supportive meds for his comfort. Can potentially lead to a quicker passing depending on comorbidities.

[Anonymous]

I’m so very sorry. I’ve lost both my parents and my husband was there for me each time. You’re doing the right thing by trying to support your wife through this awful period. Do you have contact information for any lawyers, accountants, etc that your FIL has? A list of all bank accounts and such? I assume your MIL has all this, but being able to help take the reign with logistics when others are dealing with grief is very helpful. I’m so sorry, again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m so very sorry. I’ve lost both my parents and my husband was there for me each time. You’re doing the right thing by trying to support your wife through this awful period. Do you have contact information for any lawyers, accountants, etc that your FIL has? A list of all bank accounts and such? I assume your MIL has all this, but being able to help take the reign with logistics when others are dealing with grief is very helpful. I’m so sorry, again.

Agree. My husband was the hugest comfort to me and my siblings and my mother when my dad had a similar experience.

He took over everything with our two kids. He talked to them about their beloved grandpa and death and had them write letters and make cards (12 and 9 at the time). He did everything at home so that I could be with my mom and dad. My sister, mom and I took shifts in the hospital. I had my mom stay with us while he was in the hospital because he was worried about her driving at night or under stress. He had a glass of wine for us after a long day, etc. He helped my mom with finances, accounts, etc.

Supporting the house and keeping the wheels running at home so your spouse can 100% focus on dad and mom is the best. We were able to have my dad transported home and put on hospice. He hated hospitals and didn't want to die in one. He was surrounded by loved ones in his beloved home of 50 years, with his favorite music, etc. He was not able to communicate by the time he got home.

[Anonymous]

He doesn't have to die there. It's alright if that's best for your family/him. You could bring him home and have hospice. Either.

Know that with anything at all, the person with the power can say, "against medical advice, we have decided to ____"

[Anonymous]

You are doing great OP. Just handle everything for her at this time. Don't ask questions, just do it.

I am sorry for you both. These times are hard and as another PP said, having my DH by my side during loss of my parents will forever hold us together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He doesn't have to die there. It's alright if that's best for your family/him. You could bring him home and have hospice. Either.

Know that with anything at all, the person with the power can say, "against medical advice, we have decided to ____"

And these are the people to keep away from your wife. No one wants input at this time. Your wife is trying to make it to the next minute without losing her mind.

[Anonymous]

If he is able to talk and is lucid, and he's open to it, take videos. My dad gave my niece a life advice birthday message from the hospital and I video taped him. He died shortly after and I really wish I had a video like that for me or my kids. I cannot watch it and it took me awhile before I could even listen to it, but I'm so glad it exists because listening to it makes me feel like he's right there by my side still.

Are there any bank accounts or credit cards only in his name, if so, add your wife or MIL now to make the process smoother. Some banks will not even answer the simplest of questions without proper documentation (for example I just wanted to make sure the late payment I had to make on my dad's mortgage had gone through while we figured out logistics and they would not speak to me because even though the will placed me as executor, I needed court documentation which doesn't happen immediately).

[Anonymous]

Such a good question.

I would add - make a list of agencies that need to be notified immediately when he dies (social security, life and health insurance, any employer pensions) with phone numbers and a list of people the family will want to tell about the death - go look for the holiday card address list.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If he is able to talk and is lucid, and he's open to it, take videos. My dad gave my niece a life advice birthday message from the hospital and I video taped him. He died shortly after and I really wish I had a video like that for me or my kids. I cannot watch it and it took me awhile before I could even listen to it, but I'm so glad it exists because listening to it makes me feel like he's right there by my side still.

Are there any bank accounts or credit cards only in his name, if so, add your wife or MIL now to make the process smoother. Some banks will not even answer the simplest of questions without proper documentation (for example I just wanted to make sure the late payment I had to make on my dad's mortgage had gone through while we figured out logistics and they would not speak to me because even though the will placed me as executor, I needed court documentation which doesn't happen immediately).

This is very true about the accounts with only the one person on it. It may be unethical but the day my grandmother died I impersonated her to close her outstanding credit card accounts. There were no balances and my mom was the only heir, it saved a lot of paperwork. Remember that POAs expire upon death so you will be waiting on the estate documentation to do anything otherwise.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are doing great OP. Just handle everything for her at this time. Don't ask questions, just do it.

I am sorry for you both. These times are hard and as another PP said, having my DH by my side during loss of my parents will forever hold us together.

+1. Basics too. Make sure eating and drinking.

[Anonymous]

This won’t matter until your MIL dies but you stop being power of attorney the moment they die and the executor of the will takes over.

Check beneficiaries, they override the will.