Does your spouse make you feel like you have perpetually wronged them?

[Anonymous]

Constant criticisms for seemingly minor transgressions? 10 year grudge holding? Rude comments? Who else lives this way? With a dominant personality partner who is unreasonable.

[Anonymous]

Of course not - why would anyone want to be married to someone like that?

[Anonymous]

This sounds like my girlfriend who I’m about to end things with — it’s a truly miserable way of living, but some people can’t exist without tearing other people down constantly. And let me guess — they are never the cause of or can see how they’ve contributed to any of the issues? Life is too short to spend it with someone who acts like this. Run.

[Anonymous]

I know of a marriage like this. But the person I'm close to doesn't want to get out because they don't want to have a second divorce. But they are also miserable a lot of the time because their partner is rigid, demanding, belittling, and controlling.

I know my friend love their spouse, but they also reallllly dislike their spouse. It's easy to see from the outside that the marriage should not be salvaged because one of the people in the marriage is not interested in working on themself or compromising.

[Anonymous]

yes my DH acts like that. Working on my exit plan.

[Anonymous]

I can’t really picture what you are talking about here.
It sounds to me like you are regularly (perpetually?) being hurtful to your spouse in a way that you feel is minor, and potentially majorly hurtful 10 years ago, and you don’t like that they are upset about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I can’t really picture what you are talking about here.
It sounds to me like you are regularly (perpetually?) being hurtful to your spouse in a way that you feel is minor, and potentially majorly hurtful 10 years ago, and you don’t like that they are upset about it.

Grudge-holding, never-communicating spouse found the thread.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can’t really picture what you are talking about here.
It sounds to me like you are regularly (perpetually?) being hurtful to your spouse in a way that you feel is minor, and potentially majorly hurtful 10 years ago, and you don’t like that they are upset about it.

Grudge-holding, never-communicating spouse found the thread.

Is the OP’s spouse never communicating? It sounds like they are verbalizing that they are upset and feel wronged every time it happens.
I thought that the issue was over communication about every little transgression.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Constant criticisms for seemingly minor transgressions? 10 year grudge holding? Rude comments? Who else lives this way? With a dominant personality partner who is unreasonable.

What has spouse said when you've pointed this out? (Preferably not during an argument, but at a calm time between you.) Do you halt when there's a rude comment and call it out as rude on the spot?

I'm NOT saying that to throw blame on you OP! I'm only trying to see whether you've tried pointing out and resisting the treatment, or if maybe you're so beaten down by this that you just let it slide off and say nothing.

Especially with grudges, what does he say if you've tried to address the specific things he's holding grudges over? Grudge-holding is toxic in any relationship but in a marriage, it's especially damaging. Especially if you did something for which you felt you should apologize--and did apologize, but it wasn't accepted.

Have you done any therapy on your own? I would, ASAP, in order to figure out why I was staying with someone like this, and to find some strength and strategies for leaving. If you have kids under 18, of course, "just leave" is easy to say but much harder to do.

Depending on your situation re: kids, I'd start immediately and quietly assessing finances, salting away money if you can do so (in ways he can't access it in a divorce), and talking to an attorney. I'm not one for "divorce!" as the knee-jerk answer to everything, but I'd prepare the business side of asking for a divorce, and then consider if there is anything I still loved about him enough to make couples therapy a non-negotiable option before pulling that trigger. If you do have kids, bear in mind that he might badmouth you to them on his custody time and blame you 100 percent for every issue and for the divorce, in front of them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can’t really picture what you are talking about here.
It sounds to me like you are regularly (perpetually?) being hurtful to your spouse in a way that you feel is minor, and potentially majorly hurtful 10 years ago, and you don’t like that they are upset about it.

Grudge-holding, never-communicating spouse found the thread.

Everyone holds grudges. Most marital arguments are about the same couple of things that never get resolved. You just decide not to argue about it anymore and move on with your life.

Framing this normal thing as someone “making you feel like you have perpetually wronged them” seems kind of hyperbolic. So, I was wondering if there was something else going on here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can’t really picture what you are talking about here.
It sounds to me like you are regularly (perpetually?) being hurtful to your spouse in a way that you feel is minor, and potentially majorly hurtful 10 years ago, and you don’t like that they are upset about it.

Grudge-holding, never-communicating spouse found the thread.

Is the OP’s spouse never communicating? It sounds like they are verbalizing that they are upset and feel wronged every time it happens.
I thought that the issue was over communication about every little transgression.

OP describes rude comments and a tendency to comment over every tiny "transgression." That's not communication. That's nitpicking and can turn into verbal harassment. Genuine communication is not that, PP. Sounds like the spouse is not open to actually airing things in a way that would allow them both to get past the grudges and daily little nitpicks. Communication improves things; the constant verbalization of negatives does not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I can’t really picture what you are talking about here.
It sounds to me like you are regularly (perpetually?) being hurtful to your spouse in a way that you feel is minor, and potentially majorly hurtful 10 years ago, and you don’t like that they are upset about it.

The couple I know who seem to be like this had a situation where one spouse cheated many years ago, but kept quiet about it until a number of years after it happened. The spouse who was cheated on has had a tough time dealing with the idea that a person could be a great spouse for years and years while keeping the details of cheating secret.

So, one spouse is hurt and upset about something that happened a very long time ago but doesn’t seem to know how to process it in a way that just sets it aside for good. It keeps coming back to their thoughts and then they “over react” to actions of their spouse.

[Anonymous]

My ex did that. Be sure to read a description of the Four Horsemen as described by Gottman. Disrespectful communication is a very dangerous sign in a marriage. You might be at fault. Your partner might be at fault. Both of you might be at fault. When I say at fault, I don't mean for the thing being discussed. The communication method is a problem separate and apart from the point communicated.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can’t really picture what you are talking about here.
It sounds to me like you are regularly (perpetually?) being hurtful to your spouse in a way that you feel is minor, and potentially majorly hurtful 10 years ago, and you don’t like that they are upset about it.

The couple I know who seem to be like this had a situation where one spouse cheated many years ago, but kept quiet about it until a number of years after it happened. The spouse who was cheated on has had a tough time dealing with the idea that a person could be a great spouse for years and years while keeping the details of cheating secret.

So, one spouse is hurt and upset about something that happened a very long time ago but doesn’t seem to know how to process it in a way that just sets it aside for good. It keeps coming back to their thoughts and then they “over react” to actions of their spouse.

Pp here. I am wondering if it’s something like this.
I can empathize with the cheating spouse being like, “It’s over. Get past it.” And I can empathize with the cheated on spouse wanting to talk about it more and feeling really hurt and angry and wanting to feel like he made it up to her somehow.

[Anonymous]

Yeah, it's painted on my wife's face. When the momentary smiles fade she makes it clear she doesn't love me and deeply regrets being with me. It's sad because I don't feel the same.