Advice? Daughter pushing people away
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Anonymous
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My daughter is 23, and she has some pretty serious personality issues that cause her to lose almost every relationship she has ever had. She is extremely passive aggressive. She is flat out rude if she doesn’t get her way. I have tried so hard to help her with this her entire life. I know that she is a full-fledged adult and time for her to deal with it. But I can’t just stand by and watch her lose everyone. I wish I had just the right words to help her or knew how to make her realize what is pushing people away. Honestly, it is affecting our family dynamic as well. Her siblings are tired of it. She does go to therapy, but I think it is more complaining about everyone else instead of working on herself.
I am open to any advice. |
Anonymous
| Maybe you are the problem. |
Anonymous
| You can ask if she’s happy with the state of her relationships. If she is dissatisfied but blames others, you could push a little and ask if it would be helpful if you shared some of your observations. And if she’s open to it, say your piece in the most loving way possible. |
Anonymous
| Honestly there’s not much you can do. You’re going to have to make peace with this. |
Anonymous
Why not? Isn’t that a consequence for rude behavior? Maybe she hasn’t had to ever feel any consequences. Get some therapy yourself to figure out how you can disengage. |
Anonymous
You are not her therapist so you can't fix her but you can stop seeing her as broken one. That may help your relationship. |
Anonymous
| Is she working? Does she live on her own? Does he ever mention she wished she had friends so they could do X together? If so, she would open the door to you asking about her therapist? |
Anonymous
| Not he, she |
Anonymous
| It sounds like she is not ready to self-reflect. Therapy isn't a magic fix. People have to be willing to talk about what isn't working in their lives then reflect on it. There is nothing you can do but stand by her, give her unconditional love, call her out on any poor behavior, and hope she matures. |
Anonymous
| Does she have BPD? |
Anonymous
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As a pp suggested, she has to be ready to reflect upon and change her behavior, but if you snowplow for her or try to repair what she’s broken you’re protecting her from the consequences of her actions which inhibits her need to make said changes. And the cycle continues.
I watched a comedian on Netflix last night who broad strokes described her path to a dx of Bipolar Disorder. One thing she said is that she had a string of failed/difficult relationship before she was open to taking a hard look at herself. |
Anonymous
What's missing here is whether your daughter cares about her inability to maintain any healthy relationships. *You* seem anguished, but is she? If the answer is yes, then I'd suggest that you record some of your exchanges with her and then, the next time she brings up the topic of loneliness, play back the audio/video and ask her what she notices about her own interactions. Be honest about the passive aggression and rudeness. Emphasize that while chemistry and common interests bring people together in platonic and romantic relationships alike, the bedrock of all enduring healthy relationships is whether or not people treat each other with kindness and respect and that if she is unwilling and/or unable to do so, then she needs to accept that she's not capable of healthy, close relationships with others and leave other people alone. In the meantime, I think that twenty plus years of putting up with your daughter's behavior is more than enough and that she won't feel compelled to change unless she experiences the consequences of how she relates to others. Focus your attention on her siblings and spending time with them, and if she complains about being excluded, be honest about the fact that her behavior ruins what should otherwise be a fun time and that the rest of the family would be happy to include her if she can treat everyone with courtesy and kindness but if not, then she won't. You should also read all the countless threads on this board written by healthy, functional siblings whose dysfunctional parents have favored the dysfunctional sibling throughout their whole lives with the result that the dysfunctional dynamic has never changed. Don't be those dysfunctional parents. |
Anonymous
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What has the therapist said about a diagnosis?
Have you ever offered her to have a full neuropsych assessment which might identify an underlying cause like ADHD or high functioning autism? Has she ever seen a psychiatrist? Tried medication? She is an adult, so you can't force her to do these things, but she is young so she might not understand how to navigate her healthcare or have the resources to pay for it. As a parent I would want to offer my child help and guidance. |
Anonymous
Sure sounds like it. NP |
Anonymous
| Hi Mom, there is a good reason I don't want to see you or talk you you and you aren't going to change so no point expecting you to. |