DC exiting recruiting process - share your experience

[Anonymous]

Would just love some parental advice, perspective, etc from athlete parents whose kids walked away.
DS has decided to stop the college recruiting process. Has offers already and 1 or more likely pending. All the right reasons - doesn't want his sport to dominate his college decision making process, doesn't see himself trying to play professionally, not in a headcount sport so scholarship not likely full ride, wants a broader college experience than varsity sports commitment will allow. Great kid and it's the right decision for him. We fully support him and honestly feel kind of relieved. But it's hitting him and us pretty hard. All this work for so many years and so much wrapped up in it. And he's really good, and loves his sport.

for those who have been there, how did you handle your own feelings and help your kid reconcile theirs?

[Anonymous]

No advice as my DD is not to that stage yet, but maybe having your son talk with a therapist about the decision would help. I don’t think people realize how much kids put into a sport if they are at the safe of being recruited. It’s not easy to just stop. There is the fear of regretting taking it to the next level, possibly an empty void that needs to be filled, no longer having a connection with teammates etc. Some might not be impacted by any of it, others might.

[Anonymous]

My nephew had this for soccer. Ended up playing with the club team in college and loved it. He got to still play but on his terms. It doesn’t have to be the end of the road. There can be an easier glide path.

I think this option might be easier than suddenly going “cold turkey” so maybe it is good to have a transition period of more casual play?

[Anonymous]

First, congratulations for raising a kid with the courage to do what is right for him, and for being the type of parent who can listen and support that decision. A+

I think excelling for the sake of the HS team is still an incredibly worthy goal, so training for that is great if he isn't a senior. Also, like a pp said, club sports in college are really fun, so maybe point out people they know who do that? Even in a different sport - I've seen athletes switch to club crew or rugby in college and have a blast. The recruiting process is so all encompassing...I bet having something similar to be excited about (still having the opportunity to be on a team without the crazy pressure) will soon be super attractive

[Anonymous]

You should be proud that your son has enough self-awareness and maturity to make this decision. I do agree with PP that he should talk to a counselor though. We know two kids now who made the same decision for the same reasons and spent their college years with regret. They both traveled home to watch several high school games, hang out with the team, etc. It seemed like they couldn’t let go. One joined the college club team and that seemed to help.

These kids spend so many years where a huge part of their identity is being a X-player. It can be difficult to adjust to giving that up.

[Anonymous]

To PP, this is so interesting because I worried about this for my 2 nephews, one who gave up his primary sport as he entered high school.

He ended up picking up a 2nd sport in high school and excelled and was recruited and got $ for that sport and loves it.

MY other nephew is a junior and just decided to forego playing his team sport in college. We'll ee how that goes.

But what I wanted to say is that in both cases, my sister and the boys felt immense relief and knew immediately it was the right thing to do. I have not heard any of them second-guess the decisions.

And to the OP, good luck to you and your son. As others have noted, how mature and self-aware of him. It will serve him well.

[Anonymous]

We are in the thick of recruiting now, toward the end getting offers and so forth, and it really has not been fun. You'd think it is just "if you're a good athlete, you get looks, and will find your athletic home." In reality, it's a money machine industry. I guess we were too inexperienced to know this.

You have to sell yourself, every aspect of it. And even then, you may not land where you expect or your skill set is. Especially at D1, as with everything, who you know is important. Are you with the "right" club? Does your coach advocate for you? Etc. And then there are how some of the schools interact with these kids. Some are wonderful and transparent. Others . . . are not and that was shocking to me.

My kid is sticking it out and I'm proud of DC but I had lots of worries about burn out and other emotions. We gave lots of regular opportunities to off ramp from the process because of it.

There has to be a better way that the way recruiting is currently done (DC is a team sport so it's not simply do you have the best time, can you jump the highest, which I think is a little different in some ways). I would not have given my kid one minute's grief if they opted out.

[Anonymous]

My kid exited the recruiting process, had offers from D1 and D3 schools, but they didn’t align academically or with the size/type of college they wanted. They now play the sport on the club team and are loving the experience. The club team is very competitive with 50-75 people trying out and only 6 making the team. They practice 2 to 3 times a week and travel to play in tournaments at other universities. The team qualifies for nationals every year. It is a fantastic option, but know at big universities even making the club team can be difficult.

[Anonymous]

Be proud of your son for knowing his own mind, needs and goals, and for advocating for those.

Remember that everyone hangs up their competitive cleats/skates/discus at some point. Even if you’re Tom Brady, the ride eventually comes to an end. But colleges are filled with club and intermural opportunities, plus there are often 18+ leagues in the summer. He’s not giving up his sport, he’s just giving up making it his full-time job. Which will leave room in his life for so many other exciting, wonderful things.

[Anonymous]

Just chiming in as a new poster to say thank you for the thoughtful comments! My DC is in a similar situation.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thank you for all of your insights and thoughtful comments. They really are helpful. The suggestion that he talk with someone other than us about all of this is a really good one. The one thing I think he will likely second guess is the impact on his admissions chances. Very good student who will have good options, but being a recruited athlete would have made some reach schools possible. It's probably the reason he stayed in this long (he is a junior).

College club team is definitely something we've talked about - he knows kids who have gone that route and are really happy. Even that is a big commitment though and it may just not be where his head is when he arrives at college. But knowing that may be an option helps with the transition in mindset.

[Anonymous]

OP, just want to add to what others have said, that it's really admirable your kid was able to make this decision.

[Anonymous]

My kids aren’t there yet. However, I have seen some kids go to colleges I have never heard of or not as strong academically to play a sport. One girl in particular got into Johns Hopkins but decided to go play tennis at some large state school. She got injured in college, graduated and now teaches little kids how to play tennis at a country club.

My son also plays tennis. We have always told him that academics is first. He has been told he can play college tennis but it wont be at the better colleges he is interested in.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My kids aren’t there yet. However, I have seen some kids go to colleges I have never heard of or not as strong academically to play a sport. One girl in particular got into Johns Hopkins but decided to go play tennis at some large state school. She got injured in college, graduated and now teaches little kids how to play tennis at a country club.

My son also plays tennis. We have always told him that academics is first. He has been told he can play college tennis but it wont be at the better colleges he is interested in.

What are you saying? She would not be "teaching little kids to play tennis" if she went to JHU? You can have a great experience, with best of both worlds at a non-JHU tier school AND playing a sport.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My kids aren’t there yet. However, I have seen some kids go to colleges I have never heard of or not as strong academically to play a sport. One girl in particular got into Johns Hopkins but decided to go play tennis at some large state school. She got injured in college, graduated and now teaches little kids how to play tennis at a country club.

My son also plays tennis. We have always told him that academics is first. He has been told he can play college tennis but it wont be at the better colleges he is interested in.

I am glad that (at least for now) my daughter is firm that she will go to the academically best school she can get into, whether they want her for her sport or not. But OP's kid is not in the situation described above. He is in the opposite situation where he could potentially go to a better school as a recruited athlete. That makes this a verrrry tough decision.