Younger Sister Getting Married First

[Anonymous]

My sister, who is about to turn 26, just got engaged to her college bf. I want to preface this by saying I am very, very excited for her and am looking forward to helping plan the wedding and helping her celebrate.

At the same time, this is hard. All I hear from family is asking when I will get engaged. At the same time, my sister and soon-to-be brother-in-law insist on pushing this wedding out for two and a half years. So I feel like this is all I will hear about for the next couple years, on top of the fact that I've just started dating someone, so do I now have to wait two and a half years to get engaged all because her fiancé wants to pay off student loans and buy a house before getting married? (I am sure my parents won't want to pay for two weddings at the same time.)

I know caring about this and wanting to get engaged and have a wedding is unpopular. And I know people will be like, "You're just jealous," which is why I would never, ever share this in person. But I am sick of family making gross "When are you next? wink wink!" comments when I've only been dating someone for four months and acting like I'm somehow defective because I wasn't first. I feel like I can't even tell my mom because she would just be like, "No one likes a Bitter Betty." I am genuinely happy for my sister while also being frustrated.

I don't know what advice I'm looking for, just venting.

[Anonymous]

You do not have to wait two years to get married. You can marry before her. She may not like it but you can, and you should do what you want with your life. If you get married after her, that’s okay too. You just found out so it all feels new. Give yourself time to sort it out. I think it’s good to keep your feelings to yourself.

[Anonymous]

If they ask you when you’re getting married, ask when will they get divorced!

[Anonymous]

That would be frustrating. Anyone who insists on being engaged for 2.5 years is frustrating and attention seeking by definition. That alone would irritate me.

I think you go along with your life, and try and interact with your sister (and deal with the wedding) the same as if you weren't annoyed about her getting married first.

If you end up meeting someone and getting engaged in the mean time, suggest you get married quickly and before her. If it pisses her off, that's what you get for taking 2.5 years to plan something that can be done in 4 months.

[Anonymous]

Everyone I know who dragged out an engagement for over a year broke up. Like if you don’t actually want to get married, don’t get engaged. So there’s that.

What else is there to say, OP? Run your own race. That’s what your mom would tell you. Focus on having healthy and positive relationships.

[Anonymous]

Are you in a relationship? If you are, and the two of you get engaged and then married before her because she has a long engagement, it won't be weird or competitive. This isn't Regency England. Just don't get married the same weekend or at the venue she has her heart set on and you'll be fine.

[Anonymous]

I’m the youngest of three sisters and the middle one was married first - they met the first week of college and married a few years afterwards.

My oldest sister got engaged shortly after to the wrong guy, then during that engagement took up with her now-husband who was/is also the wrong guy. I do think this was a response to not being firstZ So try not to do that.

I’m sorry that everyone is making all these comments, hopefully posters have suggestions on what to say to squelch them. I would say “why are you comparing us? I’m just so happy for them.” to try to shut it down.

[Anonymous]

You don't have to wait for anything. But you do have to wait to start thinknig like this about the guy you just started dating.

My younger sib got married a few years earlier than I did. It sucked, not going to lie - especially because I'd just come out of a long relationship, and just couldn't possibly see how I was ever going to meet someone I wanted to settle down with who;d also want to settle down with me.

But I did meet someone just like that - and not that long after my sib got married actually. It's someone I would 1000% have overlooked at other times in life - not my usual physical type, didn't have that fun guy city lifestyle I was enjoying, etc. My sib is actually rthe one who convinced me to give this guy a chance. 15 years later we are still happily married.

Just to say: yeah this is going to suck. It's going to be painful. There's just no way around it. But you can meet someone you want to marry - and you don't have to wait for your sister to have her wedding first!

[Anonymous]

You do you and she will do her. You get engaged when its right for you and the get married when its right for you. I know lots of families that had multiple weddings in the same year. That's just part of life.

[Anonymous]

"I don't think that's a question for today"

say it every day
as needed

[Anonymous]

Ugh, 1994 called -- it wants it's priorities and culture and misogyny back.

[Anonymous]

Don't base your engagement timing around your sister. If you are both engaged, you can coordinate wedding timing. It's fine.

She got engaged early. You are not late. It's not a contest.

Be careful with entering into competitions for this stuff because it will never end -- pregnancies, babies, houses. Just be happy for her and expect she'll be happy for you. Try to detach a bit -- her engagement isn't about you and isn't a reflection on you. You're on your own path and it's a good one.

[Anonymous]

My family sounds like yours and I was the younger sister who married first. And yes, until my sister 'settled' that's all she heard. I think it made her hate me. Fast forward 20 years. We are both settled and have families and we are close.

This is where you really need to put your executive function skills to good use. Your parents won't change. They will always ask mean and rude questions - just wait until you have kids... This is no one's 'fault' so don't take it out on your sister, and very importantly don't feel diminished by this. You both have different experiences and circumstances. Being angry might lead to saying hurtful things to people who will remember it forever. Like my sister made me cry 30 min before I was supposed to walk down the aisle. She was my maid of honor and she never gave me a Bachelorette party. She was actually really terrible to me until her daughter was born. I forgive her but when I think back to my wedding all I remember was how horrible she was towards me.

Don't take this the wrong way but this is definitely a you thing. YOU need to control your reactions when people (your mom) are out of line. And don't rush marriage just because you feel behind. When your mom asks when you're getting married just smile and say 'never, please stop asking. It's hurtful' or 'when i meet the right person, and I'm taking my time to ensure the father of your grandkids is everything I need him to be.... mainly able to put up with your questions'. This will buy you some time. I have friends who didn't meet their person until mid 30s then married and had kids quickly and are very happy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If they ask you when you’re getting married, ask when will they get divorced!

Or when they anticipate having manners and decorum.

[Anonymous]

If you’re old enough to get married you’re old enough to pay for your wedding. If you intend to rely on your parents’ money for a wedding then you have to wait until they are willing to give it to you and you might have to wait. But that’s within your control because you could pay yourself.