Foster parent

[Anonymous]

Hi,
Struggling with our teen who has been with us 2 years. She will often tell us that she is unhappy with things (my words, hers are more colorful), but then not want to discuss resolutions. A hypothetical situation but similar to many we have:

Teen: I hate the color of my room! Why do you make me live in a room that color. Everyday I wake up and see that color and I’m angry.

Usually this over text. Sometimes in person. When we try to talk about the color of her room, she gets angrier. Like what color would you like your room? Do you want a different shade? Would you like to go to the paint store together?

Teen: I’m too angry to talk about this. Stop talking to me about the color of my room. I don’t know what color I want my room. I can’t think of a different color. I will just be sad and miserable and live in it. Why are you trying to talk to me about this.

This response is immediate but also if we bring it up 1-2 weeks later.

Teen: why are you bringing this up now? I don’t understand why you keep bringing this up. I told you I don’t want to talk about the color of my room.

I’m exhausted and defeated. I feel like we try so hard and no matter what we do, it is a failure in every sense.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like it isn't about the issue she is complaining about at all but her general sense of lack of control and sadness/frustration. Seems like you are handling it well - giving the specifics of her concern some attention but not pushing it. Maybe there's a way to try to encourage more discussion about her feelings generally? Doubt it will get anywhere, but it could be useful for her to know you're there to listen if she wants to talk.

[Anonymous]

My guess is she’s angry/hurt/upset about something but can’t articulate the real issue. So makes it about something else. I don’t have suggestions though

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My guess is she’s angry/hurt/upset about something but can’t articulate the real issue. So makes it about something else. I don’t have suggestions though

This, I'd take her to the paint store and pick swatches. And, get her a therapist. It's hard growing up in foster care. Very hard.

[Anonymous]

Just get a half dozen swatches and put them on her wall. Say nothing. See what happens.

[Anonymous]

Yes, I have similar. I empathize - that stinks, I’m sure it would be nicer to have a color you like. Then put the onus on her - it would probably be nice to paint it - I can get that done in a day. when you are ready to pick out a color, let me know & we’ll go pick it out.
Rinse & repeat.
I think some of this is just venting angry/annoying/frustrating emotions. And thats healthy, I’m happy to be party to a vent session. But since they are teens, I remind them that they are responsible for taking ownership of their life. I’m here to support & guide, & will help them in any direction they want to go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like it isn't about the issue she is complaining about at all but her general sense of lack of control and sadness/frustration. Seems like you are handling it well - giving the specifics of her concern some attention but not pushing it. Maybe there's a way to try to encourage more discussion about her feelings generally? Doubt it will get anywhere, but it could be useful for her to know you're there to listen if she wants to talk.

Yeah, the paint color is a perfect analogy for the life she's been dealt, which she didn't choose. And her frustration is very possibly not at all about you, but the family circumstances that led to her being placed with you. In that case, it's really a problem that you can't solve, but of course you can be supportive.

[Anonymous]

I would seek a family therapist.

[Anonymous]

Op here. Thanks all for the insight and advice.

She is in therapy. There is/has been a lot of therapy, but overwhelmingly she has made it clear that she does not want to participate in therapy. She still goes but does not engage. These are therapists that she has picked, we have picked, others have recommended.

In the hypothetical scenario of the paint swatches. If we got her swatches and taped them to the wall, they would hang there until the end of time and she would never remark on them.

Sometimes this works in our favor, like when she wants a tattoo. We say we’d love to talk about it (with her social worker ofc)! Bring us some ideas and research some artists. And then she never does this and then the tattoo doesn’t become a reality.

We’ve spent a lot of time helping her with executive functioning, and there’s been some progress. However her ability to execute is marginal at best.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Thanks all for the insight and advice.

She is in therapy. There is/has been a lot of therapy, but overwhelmingly she has made it clear that she does not want to participate in therapy. She still goes but does not engage. These are therapists that she has picked, we have picked, others have recommended.

In the hypothetical scenario of the paint swatches. If we got her swatches and taped them to the wall, they would hang there until the end of time and she would never remark on them.

Sometimes this works in our favor, like when she wants a tattoo. We say we’d love to talk about it (with her social worker ofc)! Bring us some ideas and research some artists. And then she never does this and then the tattoo doesn’t become a reality.

We’ve spent a lot of time helping her with executive functioning, and there’s been some progress. However her ability to execute is marginal at best.

What is the long term plan? She may not want to decorate as she knows this is a temporary sitiation and is angry and pushing you away to protect herself.

[Anonymous]

It does sound very hard. I’d focus on ignoring this kind of thing as much as you can, because it’s not really about the paint color. It’s about having a hard life and coming to terms with it all. Can you try to get her engaged in some activities that will fill the emptiness inside? Therapeutic horseback riding? Helping others somehow? I would try to get her to go to an outdoor residential therapeutic camp this summer, so she can step away from her current life and regroup. Outward Bound is terrific for teens. She’s doing the best she can. If you have to bribe her to go to a summer program, do it. Read some books about managing teen emotions.

[Anonymous]

In your scenario I’d say something like I’m sorry. Let me know if you have any ideas to make it better. And then I wouldn’t bring it up again.

I have adopted kids that came through foster care and I agree that this isn’t about what she’s saying and you can’t fix it. If it’s not the color of the paint it will be something else.

[Anonymous]

Are you planning on adopting her?

[Anonymous]

ARe you foster parenting a teen who is of a different race/ethnicity than you? If so, perhaps she does not feel seen by you

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:ARe you foster parenting a teen who is of a different race/ethnicity than you? If so, perhaps she does not feel seen by you

It has nothing to do with race, its not really her true home or room.