Colleague had meltdown, said something cruel about me, I can't stop thinking about it

[Anonymous]

Sorry about the long post! Thanks to anyone who makes it to the end.

A guy I have worked with for about two and a half years had a mental health crisis in November in which he sent multiple long, expletive-filled, highly insulting emails to our entire division over the course of a couple hours (it happened at night, so it took longer than normal for someone to intervene). It was very clear from these emails that he was experiencing some kind of break down. They are filled with accusations of people plotting against him, detailed fantasies about what he imagines people say about him behind his back, and a host of lies and inaccuracies. The collective response to the emails was "whoa, this guy needs help." He was placed on administrative leave and no one has heard from him since. I've been told privately by people who would know that he will not be coming back.

In one of the emails, he wrote a multi-paragraph screed about me. It has a bunch of totally false allegations (that I got him kicked off a project team that I wasn't even on, that I "yelled" at him on multiple occasions when we've never even had a remotely heated conversation, among other things). It also includes many negative comments about my appearance (that I look old and haggard, that I dress poorly), and my intelligence and work ethic (that I'm stupid and incompetent). He also states repeatedly that no one likes me and that I'm a "non-entity" in the company.

I know I should disregard everything he wrote. After it happened, many colleagues reached out to me directly to check on me and tell me they thought the email was crazy. My director and the COO met with me several times to tell me that they don't agree with anything he said and that I'm a valued member of the team. While he wrote a lot of terrible, hurtful things in these emails, I was singled out in a specific way and he wrote much more personal things about me than others for some reason.

I keep thinking about his comments. Specifically the comments about my appearance, calling me stupid, and the comments that I am disliked or that people don't know who I am or don't care about me. Maybe they hit me in a vulnerable moment (I am getting older, I haven't felt good about my looks in a while, I've been struggling a bit socially since Covid) but even though I have told myself many times that he's obviously wrong, I'm just haunted by them. I find myself randomly hearing them in my head in moments of self-doubt. This morning I woke up at 2am and couldn't get back to sleep because I was thinking about this. I find myself thinking about negative things from my past that I hadn't thought about in years, and wondering "did that person think I was stupid, too?" or "have I always been a nobody that people barely tolerate?"

I hate that I'm giving him this power. I've just never read anything like that about myself before. I wish I hadn't read it. How do I forget about it and not let it bring me down?

[Anonymous]

Think about it logically- someone who wasn’t in their right mind criticized you. It’s obviously not a fun experience but it’s not like someone you got criticism from someone you respect or whose opinion you value or who was even mentally with it. If you apart from this feel bad about your appearance- you can handle that.

[Anonymous]

Just because someone says something, doesn’t make it true. Dude was mentally ill. What if I said you’re the most beautiful woman and the best juggler in the world? I’m a stranger who’s never met you or seen you. Just because I say it, doesn’t make it true!

[Anonymous]

I can tell you that even when my mother was in the throes of dementia and raving with paranoia like your colleague, some of the things she said to me really hurt me. You're a person with feelings and you are allowed to be hurt. Comments about your appearance are of course going to bother you because women in our society are expected to look youthful.

If you are attributing these comments to everyone in your life on an ongoing basis, that's too much, too long term. It's time to consider either an anti-depressant or some therapy.

[Anonymous]

My brother has bipolar w schizophrenic delusions. He is unmedicated. I know how you feel and I’m sorry. He badmouthed me a lot saying bizarre and hurtful things, but we’re slightly credible. It made me look bad to my relatives who hadn’t seen him for a while and don’t recognize mental illness as a thing. He was once known for being highly intelligent.

[Anonymous]

I compare this to stuff people say when they've had too much to drink. No, there's no "truth in wine" or in this mental illness screed. He's pushing buttons and going (machine gun style) at vulnerabilities even if they aren't completely true and some of them are gonna hit you and make you feel bad. That's the intention. Like a jerk younger sibling. Doesn't mean he's right! He's just a button-pusher.

[Anonymous]

If it keeps bugging you contact your employee assistance program to make a few appointments with a therapist to work through it.

[Anonymous]

I hear you, that shit sticks with you! A mean girl called me ugly as a teenager and no matter how many times I've been called pretty over the years, when I'm having a moment of self-doubt about my appearance (weight gain, a pimple, etc.) I think about being 15 and hearing a girl call me ugly.

The good news is, this stuff only has as much power as you let it. So, when I have a pimple and I think about it, I'm like "Yep. An insecure teenage girl called another insecure teenage girl ugly, because she knew how to hit where it hurts." That's likely what happened here. This guy is clearly going through something. Honestly he sounds outright crazy but even if he was mostly lucid when he typed that screed about you, he may have just been projecting his own insecurities onto you? He knew exactly how to hurt you so he went for the jugular.

Anyway moral of the story is don't let teenagers and mentally ill coworkers bring you down. Easier said than done.

[Anonymous]

Maybe take it as a sign to change yourself. Go to the gym and lose some weight, spend some money on Botox, and buy some new clothes. Act more professional at work.

[Anonymous]

I went through something similar with one of my siblings, who has suffered on and off from mental illness over many years. I've never been the target of an email screed, but he has said some absolutely abhorrent things to me, my other siblings, and my parents while in the throes of illness. He is better now and seems to be stable, but I still recall those awful things he said many years ago like it was yesterday. One of my siblings has mostly brushed it off and has repaired his relationship with the sibling; the other two will have nothing to do with him and are effectively estranged. Me, I hover somewhere in the middle... not estranged, but not close. I appreciate that he is working to get better, and I hope we can repair our relationship in time.

So the answer, for me, was--and continues to be--therapy. Your reaction is normal, IMO. It's entirely understandable to be rattled to the core by something like this, even if the underlying cause is mental illness and even if it's a coworker, rather than a close family or friend. The suggestion to contact your EAP is a good one.

[Anonymous]

Op, he’s literally insane. Insane.

[Anonymous]

I totally understand, OP. I write stories and one time when I was a teen I got a random troll review going on about how stupid and horrible I was. It’s been 17 years and I still remember how horrid I felt. And this was from someone who’d never met me and was clearly a drive-by idiot. I can’t imagine how hard it is to get this kind of thing from someone who actually knows you and who you had previously trusted as a normal professional acquaintance at very least. I don’t have good advice for getting over it beyond time but I just wanted to let you know that I think your reaction isn’t disproportionate in the least. Do you still have the emails from your colleagues checking in and saying they like you/like working with you? Sometimes concrete evidence of people affirming you helps with those random bouts of freak out. So sorry you’re going though this?

[Anonymous]

Honestly, OP, this guy kind of makes me think of what we used to say in elementary school. Remember when if a boy was being mean to you it meant he actually liked you?

Why else would you randomly be singled out for attention? Why else would he attack your appearance? I think in his mentally ill state he felt rejected by you and lashed out. Maybe it wasn't even you, but females in general, and he just latched on to you as the scapegoat.

[Anonymous]

Something that keeps me sane/sober: You don't need to take criticism from people you wouldn't ask for advice.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry that hurt you! But I hope you can please try to disregard. He was clearly completely out of it.

When people want to lash out at us they pick things that we might be insecure about. Of course we are all vulnerable to statements like that about our looks and smarts. I hope you can try not to let him get to you.