Would you say something?

[Anonymous]

My bf asked me to stay with him when my lease expired. In the closet of the guest room, I found a pile of women's clothing that's not mine, including panties. Also there is a basket of a woman's bathroom items like hair products etc.

There is the possibility that he forgot that stuff is there (he works and travels A LOT).

We are both avoidant attachment styles so usually I would say nothing and just harbor resentment while I patiently plan for my new lease.

However, I am trying to practice being more idk... healthy communication in relationships?

What would you do?

[Anonymous]

You’re living there with him now? Or you’re thinking about whether to move in with him?

Either way, I’d ask about it.

I’d want to know before living with someone if they’d lived with someone else before me. Or maybe they’re left behind from someone he dated? His sister’s?

How you ask (calm, not accusatory) and how he responds (calm and respectful vs defensive or avoidant) will give you a lot of information. I mean, if you feel worse after asking…. Well, time to find somewhere else to stay.

Also note that DCUM is full of people who will tell you he’s cheating on you. That’s possible, but not the only possibility.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You’re living there with him now? Or you’re thinking about whether to move in with him?

Either way, I’d ask about it.

I’d want to know before living with someone if they’d lived with someone else before me. Or maybe they’re left behind from someone he dated? His sister’s?

How you ask (calm, not accusatory) and how he responds (calm and respectful vs defensive or avoidant) will give you a lot of information. I mean, if you feel worse after asking…. Well, time to find somewhere else to stay.

Also note that DCUM is full of people who will tell you he’s cheating on you. That’s possible, but not the only possibility.

Yes I am living with him now temporarily. He is on travel at the moment. Thank you so much for your advice. I will practice speaking calmly for when he returns...

[Anonymous]

Yes, ^^ I agree that once he returns you initiate a calm discussion on the items that you found.

Good luck!👍🏽

[Anonymous]

I would definitely ask about it.

"Hey, whose stuff is this?"

[Anonymous]

I’ve been in this exact situation and used it as a way to practice healthier communication. It went well in my case.
Just approach it calmly and assume the best when you bring it up. Even if he reacts poorly or you don’t get the answers you want, you’ll be glad you asked.

[Anonymous]

I'm assuming you moved in recently enough that you don't think he's cheating. So just say "hey I found this stuff, can I throw it out or does it belong to someone?"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You’re living there with him now? Or you’re thinking about whether to move in with him?

Either way, I’d ask about it.

I’d want to know before living with someone if they’d lived with someone else before me. Or maybe they’re left behind from someone he dated? His sister’s?

How you ask (calm, not accusatory) and how he responds (calm and respectful vs defensive or avoidant) will give you a lot of information. I mean, if you feel worse after asking…. Well, time to find somewhere else to stay.

Also note that DCUM is full of people who will tell you he’s cheating on you. That’s possible, but not the only possibility.

Yes I am living with him now temporarily. He is on travel at the moment. Thank you so much for your advice. I will practice speaking calmly for when he returns...

Why would you not speak calmly?

[Anonymous]

Wtf?! Are these souvenirs of women he killed? Dateline !

[Anonymous]

Op, I don't quite rise to the level of an avoidant personality but I despise conflict and it took me a long time to get to the point where I could speak what was on my mind. So I totally get the desire to not say anything and just stew.

The fact that you want to work on healthy communication is great. My advice is two parts
1. If you have a friend you're comfortable being open with, practice the conversation with them! Have them play the part of your boyfriend and go through different scenarios like him trying to avoid answering, him getting mad, him just saying he forgot to clear that stuff out, etc etc.

2. If you don't have a friend, still go over the conversation but you play both parts.