Regrets

[Anonymous]

Do you have any regrets about choices you made in life? I haven't made any huge "mistakes", but sometimes I think about how I should have done certain things more especially when it comes to family, or stayed where I was instead of moved, different career path. How do I forgive myself for all of this?

[Anonymous]

I think it depends on why you have the regrets in the first place.

If life has not turned out well for you in some regards you are going to second guess your decisions and how things might have turned out differently had you made other choices.

[Anonymous]

Forgive yourself? Maybe pivot and see that this is pretty extreme language. And maybe extreme thinking.

[Anonymous]

Sure, but none that were enduring. I certainly did tons of stupid stuff that I regret but they were all small compared to really important things like who you marry and what career path you follow.

[Anonymous]

I would say I am at peace with most of my decisions, good and bad, but do sometimes wish it were possible to “know” how alternate choices — e.g. taking that out of state job I turned down in my twenties— would have played out. But no point in fretting over it now. You have to live your life forward, there is no going back.

[Anonymous]

Forgive yourself by recognizing that you made the best decision you could make at the time, given the information you had then and the situation.

[Anonymous]

Your really just tying yourself up in knots for no reason. Your other choice could have been disastrous.

[Anonymous]

I have enormous regrets about not setting strong boundaries with my emotionally and verbally abusive elderly mom and not getting more outside professionals involved in managing her sooner. I spent many years trying to please and guilt tripping myself and the toll it took on me, my husband and children was massive. I finally set a good example for them, but not allowing any abuse and we are finally starting to heal. I think it's better for my mother too because even though I think she gets a dopamine hit from nastiness, feeding an unhealthy addiction isn't good and her level of anger and arousal could not have been healthy. (And yes, she has always had these issues and yes, she was screened for dementia)

[Anonymous]

You did the best you could, given the information you had at the time. How could you expect yourself to have the wisdom that 20-20 hindsight gives you? You also have no idea if doing things differently would have led to a different result.

[Anonymous]

I don't have energy to consider regrets right now. Maybe in another 10 years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your really just tying yourself up in knots for no reason. Your other choice could have been disastrous.

NP and that’s the thing. There is no way to know how things would have turned out had you made different choices - whatever alternate outcome/reality you’re imagining is just fantasy, or a guess, but not fact. You need to recognize that you had your reasons for making the decisions that you did. Life is never perfect, and we make many decisions, some good and some bad; there’s no way around it and none of us have a crystal ball. You just have to make peace with it, as PP said and give yourself a little understanding and kindness.

[Anonymous]

I have a lot of regrets but I 100% forgive myself for them. I mean, I'm the one dealing with the consequences after all. You live and you learn. I try to use my hard fought wisdom to make better choices for myself now and also offer better guidance for my own kids than I got at their age.

I mean, beating yourself up over this stuff just compounds the problem. Let it go, move on.

[Anonymous]

I think by the time you're 50, if you're at all introspective, you have regrets.

I should have taken a leave of absence from work to spend more time with my mother when she was dying.
I should have been much more honest, to myself, about what I wanted in a spouse. I would have realized that my H would never meet those criteria.
I should have gotten involved in group activities and developed close female friendships in college.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think by the time you're 50, if you're at all introspective, you have regrets.

I should have taken a leave of absence from work to spend more time with my mother when she was dying.
I should have been much more honest, to myself, about what I wanted in a spouse. I would have realized that my H would never meet those criteria.
I should have gotten involved in group activities and developed close female friendships in college.

This hits home.

[Anonymous]

I also think “forgive yourself” is an odd way to frame it.

Obviously you did the best you could, given the knowledge and options you had at the time. You can’t judge your younger self with the hindsight of future years .