3rd grade girl - how would you address?

[Anonymous]

I have a 3rd grader (8.5) who we are getting evaluated soon. I think she has some kind of mix of adhd, anxiety and maybe ASD. We have been dealing with a lot of rigidity lately. One thing I’ve noticed is that she has started talking about all the enemies she has in school again. It is difficult to understand exactly what is going on, but it sounds like when she has a difference of opinion with a kid… they become an enemy. So she has this large collection of enemies in her mind. And she has a couple friends, but she is concerned that they aren’t focused on her enough sometimes. She has actually stopped asking for play dates and bringing kids home (we are walking distance from school). I’d like to be more helpful. I’d like her to show some more flexibility with her friends and I’d love to address this making enemies on a regular basis thing. What would you do?

[Anonymous]

This sounds like some kids with ASD that I have had in class in the past. They obsess over one negative interaction with a kid, even something minor, and can’t get past it. I would immediately look for a social skills group and explain this issue to the leader of it. This is about not being able to be flexible and about perceived injustice and anxiety that that they will be “harmed” again by this person. You are right to try to get help for this. Part of this is about putting things in perspective. For these kids, someone laughing at their wrong answer in class, while unkind, is equivalent to being punched in the face repeatedly. It feels like that to them. They need to learn to forgive and forget, and it’s hard for them. You might talk to the guidance counselor about having your kid in a lunch bunch. You can also talk out loud and model this. “I was really annoyed when my coworker Jane lost my proposal at work, and I was embarrassed that it was late for my boss, but today I noticed that she gave me her extra muffin from her lunch, and I guess people can be annoying and also nice, and I think tomorrow I’ll bring her Starbucks.” Your kid has to have normal ups and downs with people pointed out repeatedly to learn. You can talk about it with movie characters or in books, too.

[Anonymous]

My kid with anxiety and ADHD is like this at times. I feel like it's more she doesn't have a filter with me and doesn't have the emotional capacity/understanding to realize one bad interaction doesn't mean you won't like the person in the end. Her current BFF started out as an "enemy".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This sounds like some kids with ASD that I have had in class in the past. They obsess over one negative interaction with a kid, even something minor, and can’t get past it. I would immediately look for a social skills group and explain this issue to the leader of it. This is about not being able to be flexible and about perceived injustice and anxiety that that they will be “harmed” again by this person. You are right to try to get help for this. Part of this is about putting things in perspective. For these kids, someone laughing at their wrong answer in class, while unkind, is equivalent to being punched in the face repeatedly. It feels like that to them. They need to learn to forgive and forget, and it’s hard for them. You might talk to the guidance counselor about having your kid in a lunch bunch. You can also talk out loud and model this. “I was really annoyed when my coworker Jane lost my proposal at work, and I was embarrassed that it was late for my boss, but today I noticed that she gave me her extra muffin from her lunch, and I guess people can be annoying and also nice, and I think tomorrow I’ll bring her Starbucks.” Your kid has to have normal ups and downs with people pointed out repeatedly to learn. You can talk about it with movie characters or in books, too.

Agreed. This is all good advice. I would also look into social skills groups/classes. A therapist might also be able to help with some of this. The evaluation will help give more recommendations, but these are all good things to start with.