Dealing with a regulated but annoying AF kid?

[Anonymous]

This is really a vent more than anything. We've had so many out of school days and those are my re-charge days. Life hasn't been on a routine since winter break, it feels like. I'm so sick of my kid being in my face all the time and I feel like a huge jerk for being sick of him when he's regulated and himself but that person is just too hard to deal with day in and day out. He's a teenager but requires constant face time, he constantly has to be engaging with me or DH. I cannot watch a TV show or read a chapter in a book without interruption or complete a household task. And he is so, so messy with his body and his space. Nothing stays clean. Ugh, I feel guilty that I need to be away from him because he is regulated and doing what he is supposed to do within the realm of his ability (and we have had bad times when that has not been the case) but that is still not enough for me.

[Anonymous]

Only commiseration here. DD is now 17 and things are a little better. It's slow, slow, slow.

[Anonymous]

I had to let go of the messy room and lack of hygiene. If he had BO I would suggest a shower and introduce deodorant, but I let go of whether he used it or not.

Ultimately, in teen years, his girlfriend told him, and he listened.

For public space, yes I insist on more cleanliness. Polite and calm reminders that there is no cleaning fairy and it is not equitable to expect that I clean up after him, get him reluctantly to do things. Also, asking him to do chores he likes more - take garbage out, do leaf blowing, etc.

Also, it's OK, to draw boundaries - announce Mom needs some quiet time - I am going to take an hour to read, unless it's an emergency ease don't interrupt. If DS really can't comply, use supports like a message board on the door or be humorous - ask if someone needs an ambulance and make up all sorts of fake emergencies that could have occurred.

[Anonymous]

Just to say that I lost my SHIT on my child today who is 4 and ASD and I can’t seem to come to terms that he simply does not understand how annoying all the moaning and complaining he does. It literally gets under my skin. On top of that I’m pretty pregnant and I immediately felt pains under my belly from how angry I got at my child. The guilt and the poison I felt all over my body from loosing my shit, is awful. I feel terrible but I’m so exhausted from them being all over my face all day now. As I write this, they are literally lying next to me as I tell him gently mom needs a break. I’m still recovering 1.5 hours later - trying to breathe and comprehend why I lost my cool. Ugh why is parenting so hard!

[Anonymous]

Screens and camps were what saved my sanity. It’s much easier now.

[Anonymous]

I’m so sorry. I know it is hard. With little ones, I would use social stories to explain your point of view and what the “rules” are for family interaction. They just don’t know. Figure out what they are seeking from you and how that need can be met some other way. They may need to learn to play independently. Some OTs are really helpful with this kind of thing. Sometimes on you can hire a middle school kid to come over and play with the littler kids, while you are at home.

Set up a schedule so they know when you are able to focus on them and when they have to entertain themselves, and make a list of choices of things they can be doing on their own for them to pick from.

And forgive yourself. Can you think of a preferred activity or toy that you only pull out for independent play on occasion, and put away right after?

And acknowledge their feelings, explain what they need to do, and tell them for how long. “I can guess that you are feeling maybe lonely and not sure what to do right now, since our schedule has been changed for today. We had lunch already, and I need thirty minutes to do some things alone. You can watch this show by yourself, build with Legos, or play with X. After that, we will read two stories and then go outside to clean the snow off the cars.”

Their anxiety builds when their routine is changed unexpectedly and they don’t know what the day holds, and they come to you for reassurance, but they can’t articulate their feelings. Name the feelings and make a plan. This is why special education classrooms have such clear routines and schedules.