Devastated nanny is leaving

[Anonymous]

Our nanny of just two years is leaving. I’m writing here because my husband and friends don’t seem to understand how completely devastated I am. I’ve been crying for half the day. The kids love her so much and she is wonderful. I’m so sad for how much the kids will miss her. Our two year old has never had another caretaker, and our older DC is very sensitive. I also can’t imagine me liking anyone else as much as her.

She has personal reasons for leaving and it’s not because we did anything wrong. That’s probably making it harder because the news has come totally from out of the blue.

Anyone on this board ever feel this way? How did you help your kids through it?

[Anonymous]

Personal reasons= you did do something, or many things, wrong and she found another job and gave you notice out of the blue!

[Anonymous]

Offer to double her salary. Watch her “personal reasons” vanish!

That said, I’m actually serious. She obviously views herself (rightfully) as a household employee and not a “member of the ‘fam.” What’s she worth to you?

[Anonymous]

OP here - She is not making it up. I’m not going to share her personal details here. Would love to hear from anyone sympathetic (I am really sad) or anyone with advice how to help my kids through this.

[Anonymous]

Things change, you’ll find someone else who will be different but also bring a new perspective. With kids you need to get used to change, you’ll never have total stability in teachers, friends, etc.

[Anonymous]

In 6-8 weeks after she leaves your kids will adjust better than you can possibly imagine right now. In a year or so they will view her as a stranger should you run into her. All will be okay.

[Anonymous]

Your kids will be fine as long as you don’t act like this in front of them.

[Anonymous]

This happened to us last year. In our case her husband was in the military and transferred for deployment. It absolutely gutted us.

Here's the silver lining! After she left we became very good friends, without the weirdness of professional boundaries in the way. We talk a lot and are actually going to visit her for spring break.

A good nanny is a part of your family. You see them every day in a very intimate setting.

I will say- it's very hard when you bring on the replacement and you're constantly comparing. So be prepared for that.

[Anonymous]

It will be ok OP! I loved loved loved our nanny. When she left she said “I wish for you that you find someone you love even more than me.”

And our second nanny was AMAZING.

You will find someone else and it will be ok.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Personal reasons= you did do something, or many things, wrong and she found another job and gave you notice out of the blue!

Just because OP is stating it generically as “personal reasons” on DCUM doesn’t mean that there isn’t a very specific, very valid reason that the nanny has conveyed to OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Things change, you’ll find someone else who will be different but also bring a new perspective. With kids you need to get used to change, you’ll never have total stability in teachers, friends, etc.

This. Btdt with a 2yo and a 6yo who was very attached to our nanny of four years since they went through Covid together. It was rough at first but we found another great nanny and they (and we) have adjusted beautifully.

You need to keep a rein on your emotions and not fall apart so easily, especially in front of your kids. Adopt a stiff upper lip and be their source of strength. At the end of the day a nanny is a paid employee not a blood relation or dear friend. Your children’s lives are not falling apart, they are not losing a parent or having their parents get divorced. That doesn’t mean they shouldn’t express sadness, but keep what is happening in perspective.

[Anonymous]

OP here - I haven’t told the kids yet and they don’t know I’m upset. I appreciate the advice to pull myself together. They have never seen me sad before and it will be so much worse for them if they do. Good advice.

[Anonymous]

When they are 8 they don’t even remember the nanny. I suggest starting at a daycare soon.

[Anonymous]

I understand where you're coming from. We had a nanny leave unexpectedly due to health problems when my twins had just turned 2, and it gutted me. She was an experienced twin nanny and had been with us from when I went back to work after maternity leave, and had basically coached us through all of those milestones (x2) in the first two years. It was devastating.

But, life moved on and we found another nanny. Whereas I had done most of the legwork to find nanny #1, my DH had to handle a lot of the logistics to find and hire nanny #2 because I just had some emotional blocks about it*. It ended up working out well; nanny #2 was with us until our kids started kindergarten, and I actually think she was better suited to that 2-5 age range than nanny #1 would have been. Personally, I always had a closer relationship to our first nanny and my DH had a closer relationship to our second nanny, but they were both lovely people and formative to my kids in their own ways. I still keep in touch with both of them and they will stop by to visit the kids periodically; we text photos and send Christmas cards, etc.

*In retrospect, I was too emotional about it and considered some really ill-advised things - like I tried to convince nanny #1 to stay part time and to cut back myself to part-time work to cover her off-hours - that was not logical and would not have made sense (for me/us) on a number of levels. So, try to keep some perspective on the big picture and the long-term (harder said than done, for sure).

[Anonymous]

I understand. I recently lost my job and if i don't find one ASAP, I'm going to have to let our nanny of 6 years go. She began when my oldest was 3 months and came to meet my younger two in the hospital the day both were born. I'm absolutely torn to pieces over it and considering getting a job anywhere- starbucks or something- to just be able to keep her for time being while I land my next career move.