My obese, hypertensive, diabetic mother won't change her diet!

[Anonymous]

My mom is 59 years old. She is quite obese (probably close to 300 lb at 5'7"). She has had diabetes and hypertension for about 7-8 years. I have been trying to get her to eat more healthy and exercise for years. I have tried being empathetic, joining a diet and exercise plan with her, suggesting, lecturing, going over possible plans, exercise, etc. etc. She never sticks to anything for longer than 2-3 days. Her diet is horrible for someone in her condition--and she does not exercise portion control. Fried snacks, sweets, breads--everything. She always has excuses. I have offered to pay all fees for any diet plan she chooses to join. My siblings and father have also been after her to change her lifestyle. We don't dwell on it...and while it sounds from the above that we put too much pressure on her--we really only bring it up occasionally (but for years) for fear of discouraging her or hurting her feelings. BUT, her eating and lack of exercise is going to kill her. I'm very worried that her years are limited because of her weight and health issues.
I'm at a total loss because nothing I do or say seems to affect her. She's not depressed. She's a very, very social person (part of the problem is the social eating multiple times per week, which we've also discussed alternatives for without success).
Please, any advice would be very much appreciated. I only see what she eats/lack of exercise/continued weight gain when I'm around---but I'm sure, when no ones looking and she's at her own home, it's even worse.
What can I do, if anything, to help.

[Anonymous]

I don't think you can do anything. She's got to want to change.

[Anonymous]

I agree wholeheartedly with 12:15.

I think maybe some counseling for you (?) to help you find a healthy way to deal with what is, essentially, your own resignation that she's digging her own grave. It really is like Al-Anon in a way.

[Anonymous]

My father is the same way. I still won't let him order desserts when we go out (I will literally tell the waiter NOT to bring whatever he asks bc he's a diabetic and his sugar is usually sky high). But, even after by-pass surgery his habits haven't changed much. What can you do at that point? There really is nothing left to convince him with.

[Anonymous]

You can't control another adult, unfortunately. She may not be able to control it, either. As someone who has been in a similar situation (to your mom, not you), I will tell you that the only thing that has saved me has been Overeaters Anonymous. You can't make her go to that, either, but you could print out a list of close-by meetings and times for her. And if she won't go, she won't go. The best you can do is love her unconditionally - especially if your time together will be short.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry OP. I agree with everyone else -- you really cannot control another person. Do you live close by? If you do, I'd probably ask if she'd like to join you walking for exercise a few days a week. Just as some time together. But that's the most I can see your being able to do for her, successfully.

[Anonymous]

It is an addiction they cannot control.
How does your mother respond?
My parents, who are smoking their way into an early grave, always sigh and say:"yes, it's bad for us, we should start stopping at some point..." and if I press them too hard, they change the subject or get upset.

Could you try saying calmly:"You are going to die before your time. And what's even worse, the last years of your life are going to be painful and unhappy. Your behavior is making us all hurt. You have the power to change this, but it must come from you."

I am going to try this on my parents and see if it works.

[Anonymous]

I, too, used to make suggestions bordering on lecture to my mother, who I believe made poor health and food choices.
An occasional (caring) suggestion may not be uncalled for.... otherwise, as your mother may succumb to her poor health sooner than you anticipate, just enjoy the time you have with her.
My mother is no longer living and I regret being so impatient with her about her health. Your mother is (like mine was): capable of making her own decisions, responsible for her own actions, and your loving mother until the minute she leaves this earth.

[Anonymous]

MYOB

[Anonymous]

"Could you try saying calmly:"You are going to die before your time. And what's even worse, the last years of your life are going to be painful and unhappy. Your behavior is making us all hurt. You have the power to change this, but it must come from you." "

How often does that work?

[Anonymous]

I've kind of given up on my dad, who is in a similar boat. He did weight-watchers for awhile, but he got discouraged because he was always hungry and I don't think they assigned him enough daily points. (He just couldn't accept my suggestion that he wasn't eating enough; he thought it was counterintuitive for losing weight. For a 270+-lb man, though, he wasn't eating enough.) It's harder for an older person to lose than a younger one; my dad has some health issues and he keeps injuring himself, which makes active exercise difficult. And he refuses to make simple changes to his diet, which drives me crazy. I've suggested a few things like: switch from regular Coke to diet Coke (he doesn't like the taste, argh), or not eating several starchy things in a single meal. (i tell him if he has the lasagne he should not have it with garlic bread AND corn. Or if he's ordering a steak and baked potato, he shouldn't ask for extra rolls after he's eaten one.) I get frustrated because I do feel like small changes like those could make an impact, but he won't try them.

the only time I bring it up now is when he says something like that he worries about dying young or how he doesn't feel he's aging as well as he could. I will say something like, "I think part of the reason you feel old is the extra weight. I know I feel less energetic when I'm carrying more weight than I should." (I've never been overweight per se, but I've been at the top of the healthy BMI range a couple times in my life, and I gained a ton during my pregnancy, so I know what it's like to feel fat and have my activity level suffer.)

is this how people get very heavy? They pass a certain point and then it just becomes too hard to reverse the trend, so they just keep following the trend and get heavier?

[Anonymous]

I don't think she'll change until she WANTS to change. It's sad b/c she will probably die earlier than necessary b/c of her weight and health issues. If you want to try to scare here one more time - take her to talk to a diabetes specialist or to someone who has had their feet or legs amputated b/c of diabetes causing loss of feeling (nurapothy ?). Unfortunately my grandfather who had diabetes (but wasn't over weight) lost both of his legs below the knees (amputated). They first took off his toes and feet, then legs. So sad. Doe she want to live that way possibly? If that doesn't work then just enjoy her for the time being she's here.

[Anonymous]

pardon the expression but, "you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink."

[Anonymous]

I have long since given up with my mom and her horrible diet, sedentary lifestyle, and 2 pack a day smoking habit. I am sure she will die long before her time, but there is not much I can do about it unless she decides she wants to work on these issues.

[Anonymous]

Have you thought about encouraging your mom to take a fun fitness class like Zumba? It s just some movements to music, and the intensity can be modified up or down. There are lots of very obese people in the class I take at the DC Dance Collective in NW DC. I'm obese myself, and find the teacher to be very supportive and encouraging. I hated exercise before this class but really look forward to the class. I NEVER exercised and had a terrible diet, so maybe this is an idea for your mother in law. There is something about being in a room with lots of people that makes it easier to move. Good luck to you both.