DH’s career as DCs get older

[Anonymous]

DH has had some career bumps, but he is valued in his current role where he has been for almost ten years. Salary is modest and just under 100K. He has improved his skills and looked for other roles with no luck. I have received a promotion and these increased earnings have covered a lot to get DCs launched. DH received an elite education and he seems to be oblivious to what anything costs. If your DH is was not able to improve their earnings did you just drop it at some point. It is probably the most significant issue in our marriage, and I am very frustrated.

[Anonymous]

Is he kind, thoughtful, a good dad and husband? Not everything is about money. I had a husband who made a lot of money but he was a terrible spouse.

[Anonymous]

If you also make $100K you giys should be in a position to provide everything your child needs including a college education.

[Anonymous]

If your DCs are launched how old are you? Typically launched means your kids are independent adults.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you also make $100K you giys should be in a position to provide everything your child needs including a college education.

+1

You might need to have a frank discussion with him about what things cost if he wants something for his kids that won’t be in your price range, like expensive sleep away camps. But do it from a place of budgeting, not from trying to get him to earn more money. Your salaries are fine.

[Anonymous]

I know several over-degreed and under-employed people around me, including my own husband. However unlike most people, we understood at an early age that salary did not have to equal net worth. We have investments that make the household run. It's nice to be able to separate one's area of expertise from the ability to provide.

On the other hand, each adult in the household, barring special needs, should be cognizant of the household budget and expenses. It doesn't need to be "the man of the house" who leads the way. YOU can earn the most, and keep the accounts, if he contributes in other ways. Regularly, you can sit him down and say: "this is what we earned, this is what we spent, here is the tax form, go do it." And have him grocery shop, or make appointments for the doctor, or whatever you think he could benefit from. It's not a moral failing to not know, or not be interested. It's a moral failing to not share the general load. The sharing can be "everyone in his lane because that's how things get automated and done perfectly" or "everyone can do most of everything in a pinch".

[Anonymous]

Yes, I just dropped it at some point.
What is the alternative?

In my case, I made a plan to retire early once college is paid for and just “coast fire” on DHs modest salary since he doesn’t want to retire early. This plan has helped my resentment about working so much harder now enormously. Yes it means I have to forgo some luxuries and ensure our fixed costs are low, but I realized I couldn’t make DH want and work for things he simply doesn't value himself.

[Anonymous]

Why is this all on your DH? Why can’t you continue to increase your earnings?

Is he contributing in other ways?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes, I just dropped it at some point.
What is the alternative?

In my case, I made a plan to retire early once college is paid for and just “coast fire” on DHs modest salary since he doesn’t want to retire early. This plan has helped my resentment about working so much harder now enormously. Yes it means I have to forgo some luxuries and ensure our fixed costs are low, but I realized I couldn’t make DH want and work for things he simply doesn't value himself.

So you will end up both working the same, just differently. Seems fair.

[Anonymous]

What you like him to do? If he chases the money, it may adversely affect your home/life balance. Let him grow and find the work and income that works for your family and his peace of mind...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH has had some career bumps, but he is valued in his current role where he has been for almost ten years. Salary is modest and just under 100K. He has improved his skills and looked for other roles with no luck. I have received a promotion and these increased earnings have covered a lot to get DCs launched. DH received an elite education and he seems to be oblivious to what anything costs. If your DH is was not able to improve their earnings did you just drop it at some point. It is probably the most significant issue in our marriage, and I am very frustrated.

Well, both of you are trying so I don't see a problem there. As far as him not knowing what things cost, sit down with an advisor for a session and do budgeting and long term planning to make him aware of family finances.

[Anonymous]

OP here. DH is a generally good husband, but his career has been a real sticking point for us. DCs are high school/college age so we are at a high expense time. 10-20K in salary would make a significant difference for us. Even if DH was able to negotiate a raise in his current role I would feel better about this. He is generally an ostrich about finances, and his siblings have similar dynamics with career constraints and leaning on spouses. His parents are wealthy but controlling which I don’t encouraged any of his siblings to be proactive about money.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. DH is a generally good husband, but his career has been a real sticking point for us. DCs are high school/college age so we are at a high expense time. 10-20K in salary would make a significant difference for us. Even if DH was able to negotiate a raise in his current role I would feel better about this. He is generally an ostrich about finances, and his siblings have similar dynamics with career constraints and leaning on spouses. His parents are wealthy but controlling which I don’t encouraged any of his siblings to be proactive about money.

You sound really whiny and entitled. Some households send kids to college on far less without complaining.

If you make yourself unhappy throughout your life, OP, you don’t get a redo. This is it. Maybe reflect on your blessings and reframe your thinking.

[Anonymous]

You say that he “has improved his skills and looked for other roles with no luck.” What else is he supposed to do? Do you believe that this is within or out of his control? It sounds like you think he’s not trying hard enough. Can you give an example of how he seems out of touch with regards to cost?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. DH is a generally good husband, but his career has been a real sticking point for us. DCs are high school/college age so we are at a high expense time. 10-20K in salary would make a significant difference for us. Even if DH was able to negotiate a raise in his current role I would feel better about this. He is generally an ostrich about finances, and his siblings have similar dynamics with career constraints and leaning on spouses. His parents are wealthy but controlling which I don’t encouraged any of his siblings to be proactive about money.

NP. To be blunt, if 10-20 K over a year of income is a "significant difference," it sounds as if your family may be living too close to the line on your savings (including saving for college and retirement) versus your spending. I know. That sounds entitled and wealthy of me. But in this area, frankly, if you are THIS worried about that amount -- another $800 to $1600 a month, or $200 a week more at the low end -- you sound like you're in financial trouble or just not getting good advice on handling/investing/saving the money you both already DO earn. Yes, $200 more a week is the difference between, say, a kid participating in a HS-level extracurricular and maybe getting academic tutoring or saving that much more for college eventually, which is great, but...Are you really thinking less of your DH as a husband and father, over your desired $200 a week?

You sound extremely career- and money-driven, OP. Look at your own upbringing; were you maybe raised with less than others, so you always think your family needs more? Conversely,, were you raised with career- and money-driven parents who earned a lot, and that is your expectation of marriage?

If your DH knew the full extent of your apparent disappointment in him, and LONG-harbored resentment of him -- how do you think he'd feel? I'm betting you've told him to earn more but not really exposed how his earning and career focus makes you think less of him as a person. Is that right?

Check threads here over the years. So many wives who've said they'd rather see their DHs and have their kids see their father (Yes, even HS age kids) than have dad at work late every night. Or taking work calls/emails during what are supposed to be famiily times. Or traveling more for work because that's how they have to chase more money.