Parenting Differences - Counselling Advice?

[Anonymous]

My husband and I often argue about how to parent our 14 year old son. IMO my husband is reactive and angry way to quickly and way too often. Other times he is just vacant and doesn't really parent/get involved at all even if he is in the same room when poor behaviour or backtalk is happening. He thinks I am too easy on DS (I may be) and that I should blindly back up his crappy behaviour, which I would never want my son to mimic. But I simply won't condone DH's crappyness. My son is a teen, and yes, sometimes is crappy also. But usually is not. Anyway I think we need a parenting coach or something because we do not agree on how to handle things at all. Has anyone tried this with success? Any recs on where to start? I hate my husband and son's relationship and it makes me sad for both of them...I would really like for it to turn around. Help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband and I often argue about how to parent our 14 year old son. IMO my husband is reactive and angry way to quickly and way too often. Other times he is just vacant and doesn't really parent/get involved at all even if he is in the same room when poor behaviour or backtalk is happening. He thinks I am too easy on DS (I may be) and that I should blindly back up his crappy behaviour, which I would never want my son to mimic. But I simply won't condone DH's crappyness. My son is a teen, and yes, sometimes is crappy also. But usually is not. Anyway I think we need a parenting coach or something because we do not agree on how to handle things at all. Has anyone tried this with success? Any recs on where to start? I hate my husband and son's relationship and it makes me sad for both of them...I would really like for it to turn around. Help.

This sounds exactly like my husband. I have learned to ignore him and so have my kids.

[Anonymous]

Honestly, a parent coach will not work unless your husband and you are both committed to improving parenting.

Try PEP classes. They also do coaching, I believe.

Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband and I often argue about how to parent our 14 year old son. IMO my husband is reactive and angry way to quickly and way too often. Other times he is just vacant and doesn't really parent/get involved at all even if he is in the same room when poor behaviour or backtalk is happening. He thinks I am too easy on DS (I may be) and that I should blindly back up his crappy behaviour, which I would never want my son to mimic. But I simply won't condone DH's crappyness. My son is a teen, and yes, sometimes is crappy also. But usually is not. Anyway I think we need a parenting coach or something because we do not agree on how to handle things at all. Has anyone tried this with success? Any recs on where to start? I hate my husband and son's relationship and it makes me sad for both of them...I would really like for it to turn around. Help.

This sounds exactly like my husband. I have learned to ignore him and so have my kids.

Mine as well. I was hoping it would have gotten better when our DS went to college, but unfortunately it hasn't. Counseling wouldn't have helped either as my DH sees nothing wrong with it and has no ability to self reflect. Sorry for no advice, OP, just letting you know you aren't alone.

[Anonymous]

OP, is your husband reactive to you also?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband and I often argue about how to parent our 14 year old son. IMO my husband is reactive and angry way to quickly and way too often. Other times he is just vacant and doesn't really parent/get involved at all even if he is in the same room when poor behaviour or backtalk is happening. He thinks I am too easy on DS (I may be) and that I should blindly back up his crappy behaviour, which I would never want my son to mimic. But I simply won't condone DH's crappyness. My son is a teen, and yes, sometimes is crappy also. But usually is not. Anyway I think we need a parenting coach or something because we do not agree on how to handle things at all. Has anyone tried this with success? Any recs on where to start? I hate my husband and son's relationship and it makes me sad for both of them...I would really like for it to turn around. Help.

Could have written this myself. OP, you're not alone. Unless he wants to reflect on his behavior and work on being better no amount of coaching will help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, a parent coach will not work unless your husband and you are both committed to improving parenting.

Try PEP classes. They also do coaching, I believe.

Good luck!

PEP classes are great, but in my experience you will need to be on the same page as your husband before you start the classes.

[Anonymous]

Thanks all. I will try with classes. Something neg has to be done. When things are fine they are fine but otherwise his anger and his reactions (and yes my refusal to back up the unfounded yelling) are always my fault. I truly think he hates our son. It sucks.

[Anonymous]

Hi OP, I could have written this post myself. What brought my DH to the table and made him open to "parent coaching" is when my younger son got a diagnosis of ASD. We started working with a parent coach (a psychologist) and it changed their relationship for the better. About a year ago we pivoted to focusing on our older son (now 14); we had a very similar dynamic to what you described. For DH, hearing in the sessions how much their conflict was affecting ME, not just our son, made a big difference in getting DH to open up to changing. Things are not perfect but they are much better.

Honestly, part of the problem is that my husband and older son share so many of the same traits and that is why they butt heads so often.

Our parent coach is with Boston Child Studies Center. They have one office in Boston and one in LA but everything has been entirely on Zoom for us. Our coach has told us that all her parent coaching sessions basically turn into marriage therapy at some point.