Why do I find DH’s mother so obnoxious?

[Anonymous]

I’ve tried to be understanding and empathetic, I really have, but god help me.

Every time I turn around, it’s a comment about me and what I have to do, what I’m comfortable or not comfortable with, what I look like, what I eat or don’t eat, my work, my house, my clothes. I try to politely smile, but today I couldn’t help but make awkward faces and roll my eyes at her repeated comments about me. Why can’t she just take a hint?

[Anonymous]

Sounds like these are not compliments. It's exhausting to be constantly criticized. That's probably why you don't like it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like these are not compliments. It's exhausting to be constantly criticized. That's probably why you don't like it.

No, not compliments at all. Yeah, I guess I should edit the title “Why IS DH’s mother so obnoxious?”

[Anonymous]

My MIL does this, too. Comments about everything and everyone- 99% critical. And a running commentary on my friends “oh, I met her once and she is such a lovely person” or “something is just wrong with that Emily woman at Johnnie’s soccer game” like a literal running commentary. I want to scream “you don’t know any of these people so why are you saying this!”
She also tells us constant (critical) things about random people she knows who we don’t know (Marcy from the gym has a brother in law who she says is so smart and successful and earns tons of money, but she’s so dim I don’t think she has any idea what she’s talking about).
And on and on…

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My MIL does this, too. Comments about everything and everyone- 99% critical. And a running commentary on my friends “oh, I met her once and she is such a lovely person” or “something is just wrong with that Emily woman at Johnnie’s soccer game” like a literal running commentary. I want to scream “you don’t know any of these people so why are you saying this!”
She also tells us constant (critical) things about random people she knows who we don’t know (Marcy from the gym has a brother in law who she says is so smart and successful and earns tons of money, but she’s so dim I don’t think she has any idea what she’s talking about).
And on and on…

Oh, this too. Pretty much anyone and everyone is fair game. I have to see her again on Sunday because DH’s other family members are in town. Now I’m wondering if she was particularly digging into me today to get a reaction out of me in front of them.

[Anonymous]

Demented people with no filter act this way, and their loved ones learn to let it fall off them like water off a duck’s back. I would respond to her with the kind of tolerant/condescending/laugh-it-off tone that I use with dementia sufferers. Try it, at least it will be entertaining to see how she reacts to being treated (kindly) like a doddering old fool.

[Anonymous]

What does your DH say? Is he able to ignore her?

[Anonymous]

Not the OP, but my DH completely ignores that this is unusual. He grew up with it so I suppose it’s just noise to him. It drives me bonkers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What does your DH say? Is he able to ignore her?

He seems to just barely get by managing being in the same room as his mother and sister. So he doesn’t notice the comments towards me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What does your DH say? Is he able to ignore her?

He seems to just barely get by managing being in the same room as his mother and sister. So he doesn’t notice the comments towards me.

You should leave the room more. Don’t be his buffer. Let him take the full brunt of it and perhaps you will spend less time with them. And don’t care if they criticize you for being less available.

[Anonymous]

I get it and based on my experience (25 years) it absolutely will not change unless your DH says something. And, if he does, it could make things worse. In my case, DH said something 15 years in. He asked MIL if she really wanted him to leave his wife who he loved and then only see his children half the time. It took being that direct for her to stop making comments about me/to me. It didn’t magically make her a better person and I’m 100% sure she speaks poorly about us/our kids to people in her life but she keeps it under wraps in front of us. We also significantly limit our time with her. We decided that someone that obnoxious doesn’t deserve more than the bare minimum from us.