What is "abuse"?

[Anonymous]

Maybe we can collectively try to get a handle on this question, as it permeates a number of threads. I've got an opinion, but it isn't based on any background in psychology or in professional experience with victims, it's just from my own personal experience in two relationships that have some surface similarities but are/were really vastly different. In the first relationship I was with someone who was negative, broody and critical. His behaviors included chilling silence, and criticisms or "punishments" via cold shoulder in public with the intent to make me feel embarrassed. The stony silent treatment at home was oppressive and was definitely a form of control -- he knew he had me on eggshells and fearful of getting him upset. I was never right. I finally came to the realization that these behaviors were about weilding control and power and after much counseling I got out. Now, I am with someone who is negative, broody, quick to anger and defensive. He is prone to lash out, not at me directly but at "life." His anger issues are frankly a lot louder and flashier than what I experienced in the first relationship, but whereas I would characterize partner number one as abusive, my current situation, to me, is NOT abusive. He's just radically immature with respect to emotional health. Threadbare coping skills. Does it need to stop? Yes. Does it bother me in terms of the modeling it sets for our child? Hell yes. So, we're going to figure out how to work on it. But, it's not about abuse of power/control, and although there are ill effects the intent is never to manipulate, which to me are the critical differences.

Thoughts?

[Anonymous]

It sounds like your current partner has problems with anger management and emotional control, but his episodes are not about controlling you and you don't feel responsible for setting them off. So you don't feel abused. But you recognize what a bad role model he could potentially be for your children, which is good...I think it sounds like he needs some therapy, not because he's an abuser but because people can always improve their coping schools. You could go together.

[Anonymous]

It's a fine line to be sure. But my husband started out like yours--mad at world, it was never directed at me. Gradually over the years, I felt worn down and started to see negative attitudes and such in myself. I felt I had to agree that the world was out to get him to keep peace. My pleas on how his issue impacted our family didn't change things. I felt my formerly happy self and world deteriorate into many thoughts on HIS problems.

Then when I decided I had to push the issue due to not wanting my son to use hubby as a role model, I started pushing back on the negative behaviors. He didn't like this and lashed out at me. Now I am know as a nag, "Miss Perfect," "Pollyanna" and he just doesn't get it. Now he is blaming me for all his worries and says I am trying to control him???? His moods have been controlling our family for years and he doesn't like the change. Maybe he will get on board, maybe not.

But it's likely to get worse for you before you see improvements. Not saying your partner is abusive, but the road could easily go that way in the future.