MIL doesn't take care of herself

[Anonymous]

We just saw my MIL for Christmas and it reinforced how much she doesn’t take care of herself. She is obsese (I would say at least ~350 lbs) and her mobility is very poor. She has started using her mother’s old cane. She takes multiple tries to get out of a chair, can barely do steps, and really limits moving around in our house. I don’t think she goes to the doctor.

She lives alone in a multistory house and we have no clue how she is managing. She doesn’t ever want us to visit but the last time we were in her house it was a huge mess. DH’s attempts to broach assisted living or getting help have been immediately shut down with anger and aggression. I am at a loss as to what to do next.

[Anonymous]

What you can do is leave her be for now, do things on your own end. Research the options in your area and her area. Have a come-to-Jesus talk with your DH that he and you are going to be dealing with this problem in the near term. I'm sure it's a hoarder situation way worse than you can imagine.

Sometimes you just have to wait for a crisis to force their hand. It's hard, but that's the way it is.

[Anonymous]

Is she showering?

[Anonymous]

Have you posted before? I recall other posts about an obese MIL with limited mobility who won't let people visit.

There's nothing for you to do if she's that opposed to it. There will be a crisis, after which she will be forced to make changes. If not the first crisis, then the second one, etc.

[Anonymous]

Nothing. There isn't anything you can do. Let her live her life, a mess as it may be.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is she showering?

Not often. She is pretty smelly and didn’t shower during the four days she was at our house. I haven’t posted before, no.

[Anonymous]

Does she seem depressed? If so, that could be an underlying factor in her lack of desire to take better care of herself and her home. It's unlikely that any "help" you offer will be well received if depression is the driver.

Very hard to watch, I realize, but PP's are right. She is someone who gets to make choices for herself and she will likely resist what she perceives to be effort to take that away.

[Anonymous]

My mother had the following trajectory in that she hid from friends and family, relying on texts and calls. We surprised her and found the house a mess and her not bathing or really eating. She had depression and we went back and forth thru several cycles of this through her 60/70s (widowed young). The last time this happened it turned out she had advanced cancer and died within a month, only at that point could I get her to move to a facility for hospice care. Even then it took social workers and family friends. It was a form of slow suicide and a very sad end.

I would try to get your MIL to go to a basic primary care visit, they can prescribe antidepressants. I would focus on making the house as safe as you can for her. Move bedroom to lower level etc.