How to get SIL to back off?
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Anonymous
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SIL just moved an hour away and wants to spend every waking moment with us - she wants to come to all the sports games, school events, have dinner with us weekly or more, wants the kids to spend the night with her once a month so “you guys can have a regular date night!” She also wants to have a say in everything including disciplining our kids (e.g. clean your plate, did you read today, don’t suck on your thumb, put away x, y, z, she has a cough, you need to get her robitussin, etc.”
I have empathy for someone who doesn’t have her own family and probably never will, but this is my and my husband’s family and we’ve managed just fine up until now (we even have a babysitter the kids adore who literally lives next door). How can I/we kindly get her to back off? We do say no, “forget” to tell her about things, etc, but then she guilts us when she finds out about something. DH loves her and doesn’t want to make her feel bad but agrees with me that it’s become overwhelming. |
Anonymous
| Haven't you posted about her before? |
Anonymous
| No, I have not. |
Anonymous
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Keep saying no politely. When she tries to guilt you, then you clearly and calmly say “ we’re not going to include you in everything”. When she demands that the kids sleep and over so you can have date night , you clearly and calmly say thanks for the offer but we already have a great babysitter.
When tries to parent or discipline your kids you say clearly and calmly ‘we don’t allow other people to try to parent our kids. We absolutely don’t allow others to discipline them. Thanks for understanding. If she doesn’t be clear and calm that visits need to reduce or end. Don’t let pity for her turn you into an enabler for her rude and inappropriate behavior. |
Anonymous
| Start by keeping her on an information diet. Don’t respond to texts right away. Let them sit, keep repeating that you’re busy, that you have plans, never discuss what the plans are, so she can’t argue with you or invite herself to join. Directly nip the critical comments and attempts at parenting in the bud. “Larla, we will address this with our children as we see fit. No need for you to comment or intervene on that” and so on. And whatever you do, don’t introduce her to your friends, so she doesn’t glom onto your friend group. |
Anonymous
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You’ll figure this out when you and your spouse decide that trying to manage her feelings and being manipulated by her guilt trips are not things you will engage in. You’ll need to learn to say things like, “I’m sorry you feel that way. That’s what is best for our family.” And then move on.
One way to start setting clear boundaries is by deciding what’s enough and then being proactive by communicating it clearly to her. It might be that you decide to host her for a monthly Sunday dinner and two kid events a month. That’s it. Again, if she expresses disappointing and/or guilt, give the response above. You don’t need to overexplain or justify. Just let her know what works best for you and move on. She can chose to accept it or not. What she doesn’t get to do is bother, pester, guilt-trip or complain. |
Anonymous
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Your husband, her brother, needs to tell her to back off. "We love that you love the kids, but you need to leave the parenting and especially discipline to us. Stop telling the kids to clean their plate - that's not even something we believe, and telling them to stop sucking their thumb, or asking if they did their homework."
Give her a standing date once or twice a month to come for dinner - every third Thursday or something. Then when she tries to invite herself your brother can say "That doesn't work for us, but we'll see you Thursday, the 18th." Tell her you'll invite her to big recitals or big games if you remember. Then forget to tell her the other smaller games. |
Anonymous
I had the same thought. |
Anonymous
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My SIL is exactly like this (including single with no kids) and the only thing I have a problem with is the bolded. And regarding the bolded, I just correct her everytime. Oh, we don't make Johnny clean his plate. I already gave him meds, he doesn't need robitusin, etc. I don't see what's so bad about the other stuff, it's nice that my kids have an Aunt that I know loves my kids and wants to be involved.
she wants to come to all the sports games, school events, have dinner with us weekly or more, wants the kids to spend the night with her once a month so “you guys can have a regular date night!” She also wants to have a say in everything including disciplining our kids (e.g. clean your plate, did you read today, don’t suck on your thumb, put away x, y, z, she has a cough, you need to get her robitussin, etc.” |
Anonymous
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Just pace it, and talk about what you will do in a positive way.
“That doesn’t work for us, but we’ll see you next Thursday at Benji’s soccer game.” “Tuesday’s not good for us, but we’d love to drop them off at your place so we can go out to dinner next Friday, if that works for you.” If something feels like too much/too soon, just say no, but then follow up with the next time it makes sense to see her. When there’s unsolicited advice, “No, Carole, we’ve got this.” “Carole, please do not discipline the kids—let us know if there’s something you think we should be aware of.” “Actually, no, that’s not what the pediatrician recommends.” Do it firmly but kindly every time. If she oversteps, you can get more firm: “Carole, I don’t appreciate you overstepping here when I’ve already told you that we have this covered.” |
Anonymous
| It seems a bit odd that she is not trying to find her own friend group. Any thoughts on that OP? |
Anonymous
| I would say "I really need you to back off me. You're very intense and I need space. Please talk to your brother about making plans." |
Anonymous
| Free daycare can say whatever she wants to on the nights she is providing services. Tell her that. On the other nights, pay her on the head and usher her to the door. See ya next month Larla |
Anonymous
same this is definitely the same poster. |
Anonymous
Yes, no question |