Why are they hoarders but I’m not?

[Anonymous]

My parents and siblings are hoarders, and I am not. Parents had a lot of storage space so their actual living space was clear and you could walk around. But storage spaces are PACKED. At least 150 boxes of junk, stacks of old newspapers, etc.

How did I “escape” this outcome?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My parents and siblings are hoarders, and I am not. Parents had a lot of storage space so their actual living space was clear and you could walk around. But storage spaces are PACKED. At least 150 boxes of junk, stacks of old newspapers, etc.

How did I “escape” this outcome?

If you boil it down to essentials, serious hoarding isn't about having not enough stuff in childhood, or about the example you had, or anything like that. It's about being unable to make decisions. When decisions are overwhelming, you put them off, and off, and off. Watch the extreme hoarding shows and see how the holder can't make rational decisions like "everything in this room has to go, or I lose the house" -- they have to touch each item, deliberate, and mostly can't make the call to let go.

That's about things like OCD and anxiety. These mental health traits and disorders have some connection to heredity, but not every child gets them. You might not be great at paring down or housecleaning if you didn't have a good example, but it's not going to make you dysfunctional. You can learn. Your siblings probably are struggling with problems you can't see and have no empathy for, especially because those ways of being aren't yours.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parents and siblings are hoarders, and I am not. Parents had a lot of storage space so their actual living space was clear and you could walk around. But storage spaces are PACKED. At least 150 boxes of junk, stacks of old newspapers, etc.

How did I “escape” this outcome?

If you boil it down to essentials, serious hoarding isn't about having not enough stuff in childhood, or about the example you had, or anything like that. It's about being unable to make decisions. When decisions are overwhelming, you put them off, and off, and off. Watch the extreme hoarding shows and see how the holder can't make rational decisions like "everything in this room has to go, or I lose the house" -- they have to touch each item, deliberate, and mostly can't make the call to let go.

That's about things like OCD and anxiety. These mental health traits and disorders have some connection to heredity, but not every child gets them. You might not be great at paring down or housecleaning if you didn't have a good example, but it's not going to make you dysfunctional. You can learn. Your siblings probably are struggling with problems you can't see and have no empathy for, especially because those ways of being aren't yours.

NP. A different way to look at this is reflected in my household.
My DH gets one room and it is a hoarder's paradise. It creeps out but for the most part is contained to that room. He is anxious and his anxiety results in this desire to not make decisions.
I am also anxious and my anxiety propels me into action, like decluttering.
We're both working on our anxiety but our default is different.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parents and siblings are hoarders, and I am not. Parents had a lot of storage space so their actual living space was clear and you could walk around. But storage spaces are PACKED. At least 150 boxes of junk, stacks of old newspapers, etc.

How did I “escape” this outcome?

If you boil it down to essentials, serious hoarding isn't about having not enough stuff in childhood, or about the example you had, or anything like that. It's about being unable to make decisions. When decisions are overwhelming, you put them off, and off, and off. Watch the extreme hoarding shows and see how the holder can't make rational decisions like "everything in this room has to go, or I lose the house" -- they have to touch each item, deliberate, and mostly can't make the call to let go.

That's about things like OCD and anxiety. These mental health traits and disorders have some connection to heredity, but not every child gets them. You might not be great at paring down or housecleaning if you didn't have a good example, but it's not going to make you dysfunctional. You can learn. Your siblings probably are struggling with problems you can't see and have no empathy for, especially because those ways of being aren't yours.

NP. A different way to look at this is reflected in my household.
My DH gets one room and it is a hoarder's paradise. It creeps out but for the most part is contained to that room. He is anxious and his anxiety results in this desire to not make decisions.
I am also anxious and my anxiety propels me into action, like decluttering.
We're both working on our anxiety but our default is different.

Both of these replies are so helpful. Thank you!

[Anonymous]

Brain chemistry

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parents and siblings are hoarders, and I am not. Parents had a lot of storage space so their actual living space was clear and you could walk around. But storage spaces are PACKED. At least 150 boxes of junk, stacks of old newspapers, etc.

How did I “escape” this outcome?

If you boil it down to essentials, serious hoarding isn't about having not enough stuff in childhood, or about the example you had, or anything like that. It's about being unable to make decisions. When decisions are overwhelming, you put them off, and off, and off. Watch the extreme hoarding shows and see how the holder can't make rational decisions like "everything in this room has to go, or I lose the house" -- they have to touch each item, deliberate, and mostly can't make the call to let go.

That's about things like OCD and anxiety. These mental health traits and disorders have some connection to heredity, but not every child gets them. You might not be great at paring down or housecleaning if you didn't have a good example, but it's not going to make you dysfunctional. You can learn. Your siblings probably are struggling with problems you can't see and have no empathy for, especially because those ways of being aren't yours.

NP. A different way to look at this is reflected in my household.
My DH gets one room and it is a hoarder's paradise. It creeps out but for the most part is contained to that room. He is anxious and his anxiety results in this desire to not make decisions.
I am also anxious and my anxiety propels me into action, like decluttering.
We're both working on our anxiety but our default is different.

Oof, I have the exact same situation: I'm an anxious doer, he's an anxious not-doer, he has a basement room that's upsetting but that's our compromise. Thanks for laying it out so clearly.

I have an anxious parent who is a hoarder. I don't think their dynamic is the same. I would describe the hoarder as an anxious doer, usually, and that's how they accumulated the stuff. They can decide to get rid of stuff, but there's a need for control about what happens to the stuff (sale for enough $, or to someone specific, or used in a particular way). It's time consuming or impossible to make those things happen, so the stuff stays.

[Anonymous]

It's all decision-making issues, though. Maybe you can't commit to the decision, maybe you just feel you can't trust yourself to make decisions in the future and not be overwhelmed (so you toss everything) -- but any way you slice it, it's not making decisions in a normal way.

That isn't something other people can readily understand, if at all. If you don't have one of these problems, decisions look easy by comparison. You just make them and go on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parents and siblings are hoarders, and I am not. Parents had a lot of storage space so their actual living space was clear and you could walk around. But storage spaces are PACKED. At least 150 boxes of junk, stacks of old newspapers, etc.

How did I “escape” this outcome?

If you boil it down to essentials, serious hoarding isn't about having not enough stuff in childhood, or about the example you had, or anything like that. It's about being unable to make decisions. When decisions are overwhelming, you put them off, and off, and off. Watch the extreme hoarding shows and see how the holder can't make rational decisions like "everything in this room has to go, or I lose the house" -- they have to touch each item, deliberate, and mostly can't make the call to let go.

That's about things like OCD and anxiety. These mental health traits and disorders have some connection to heredity, but not every child gets them. You might not be great at paring down or housecleaning if you didn't have a good example, but it's not going to make you dysfunctional. You can learn. Your siblings probably are struggling with problems you can't see and have no empathy for, especially because those ways of being aren't yours.

NP. A different way to look at this is reflected in my household.
My DH gets one room and it is a hoarder's paradise. It creeps out but for the most part is contained to that room. He is anxious and his anxiety results in this desire to not make decisions.
I am also anxious and my anxiety propels me into action, like decluttering.
We're both working on our anxiety but our default is different.

Oof, I have the exact same situation: I'm an anxious doer, he's an anxious not-doer, he has a basement room that's upsetting but that's our compromise. Thanks for laying it out so clearly.

I have an anxious parent who is a hoarder. I don't think their dynamic is the same. I would describe the hoarder as an anxious doer, usually, and that's how they accumulated the stuff. They can decide to get rid of stuff, but there's a need for control about what happens to the stuff (sale for enough $, or to someone specific, or used in a particular way). It's time consuming or impossible to make those things happen, so the stuff stays.

This explains a lot. I am anxious and more of a doer. Spouse is anxious and not a doer and also has the basement, which is a wreck.

Sibling is a hoarder and also goes through just what you described. We should sell this and save that and give this thing to that person...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parents and siblings are hoarders, and I am not. Parents had a lot of storage space so their actual living space was clear and you could walk around. But storage spaces are PACKED. At least 150 boxes of junk, stacks of old newspapers, etc.

How did I “escape” this outcome?

If you boil it down to essentials, serious hoarding isn't about having not enough stuff in childhood, or about the example you had, or anything like that. It's about being unable to make decisions. When decisions are overwhelming, you put them off, and off, and off. Watch the extreme hoarding shows and see how the holder can't make rational decisions like "everything in this room has to go, or I lose the house" -- they have to touch each item, deliberate, and mostly can't make the call to let go.

That's about things like OCD and anxiety. These mental health traits and disorders have some connection to heredity, but not every child gets them. You might not be great at paring down or housecleaning if you didn't have a good example, but it's not going to make you dysfunctional. You can learn. Your siblings probably are struggling with problems you can't see and have no empathy for, especially because those ways of being aren't yours.

NP. A different way to look at this is reflected in my household.
My DH gets one room and it is a hoarder's paradise. It creeps out but for the most part is contained to that room. He is anxious and his anxiety results in this desire to not make decisions.
I am also anxious and my anxiety propels me into action, like decluttering.
We're both working on our anxiety but our default is different.

Oof, I have the exact same situation: I'm an anxious doer, he's an anxious not-doer, he has a basement room that's upsetting but that's our compromise. Thanks for laying it out so clearly.

I have an anxious parent who is a hoarder. I don't think their dynamic is the same. I would describe the hoarder as an anxious doer, usually, and that's how they accumulated the stuff. They can decide to get rid of stuff, but there's a need for control about what happens to the stuff (sale for enough $, or to someone specific, or used in a particular way). It's time consuming or impossible to make those things happen, so the stuff stays.

So true. I still struggle with this mindset, but it's better now that I live with a DH and at least one DC who will not move anything out. In their case they have strong ADHD traits and have a hard time focusing, making decisions, and taking action.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parents and siblings are hoarders, and I am not. Parents had a lot of storage space so their actual living space was clear and you could walk around. But storage spaces are PACKED. At least 150 boxes of junk, stacks of old newspapers, etc.

How did I “escape” this outcome?

If you boil it down to essentials, serious hoarding isn't about having not enough stuff in childhood, or about the example you had, or anything like that. It's about being unable to make decisions. When decisions are overwhelming, you put them off, and off, and off. Watch the extreme hoarding shows and see how the holder can't make rational decisions like "everything in this room has to go, or I lose the house" -- they have to touch each item, deliberate, and mostly can't make the call to let go.

That's about things like OCD and anxiety. These mental health traits and disorders have some connection to heredity, but not every child gets them. You might not be great at paring down or housecleaning if you didn't have a good example, but it's not going to make you dysfunctional. You can learn. Your siblings probably are struggling with problems you can't see and have no empathy for, especially because those ways of being aren't yours.

NP. A different way to look at this is reflected in my household.
My DH gets one room and it is a hoarder's paradise. It creeps out but for the most part is contained to that room. He is anxious and his anxiety results in this desire to not make decisions.
I am also anxious and my anxiety propels me into action, like decluttering.
We're both working on our anxiety but our default is different.

Oof, I have the exact same situation: I'm an anxious doer, he's an anxious not-doer, he has a basement room that's upsetting but that's our compromise. Thanks for laying it out so clearly.

I have an anxious parent who is a hoarder. I don't think their dynamic is the same. I would describe the hoarder as an anxious doer, usually, and that's how they accumulated the stuff. They can decide to get rid of stuff, but there's a need for control about what happens to the stuff (sale for enough $, or to someone specific, or used in a particular way). It's time consuming or impossible to make those things happen, so the stuff stays.

So true. I still struggle with this mindset, but it's better now that I live with a DH and at least one DC who will not move anything out. In their case they have strong ADHD traits and have a hard time focusing, making decisions, and taking action.

A lot of hoarders have adhd. Anxiety goes hand in hand with adhd. So add in the inability to focus, easily distracted, and hyperfocus issues to all the typical anxiety issues.

One time when my kids were small, I had to move. I could not do anything else until I checked all the games and puzzles to make sure they had all the pieces before we packed or tossed them. I get that it was a compulsion and wasn’t a necessity, and I knew it then, but I could not resist it. And that was just a move, I got to take stuff with me. MIL does that when we try to help her clean up her house or clear out a room. She’ll fixate on one type of item in an out of the way area and ignore the mounds and piles that make living areas impossible to use.

Consider yourself lucky that you’re wired differently enough to escape that fate OP. People don’t want to live that way, it’s just so difficult that it feels impossible to change. It’s sort of like gaining/losing weight. It creeps up on you and by the time some people realize they have a problem, the problem feels insurmountable. While it’s still manageable, it hardly seems worth the time to make the necessary changes. Then you’re trapped in that home or body and there’s so much shame associated with these situations you can’t ask for help even though you definitely can’t fix it on your own.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parents and siblings are hoarders, and I am not. Parents had a lot of storage space so their actual living space was clear and you could walk around. But storage spaces are PACKED. At least 150 boxes of junk, stacks of old newspapers, etc.

How did I “escape” this outcome?

If you boil it down to essentials, serious hoarding isn't about having not enough stuff in childhood, or about the example you had, or anything like that. It's about being unable to make decisions. When decisions are overwhelming, you put them off, and off, and off. Watch the extreme hoarding shows and see how the holder can't make rational decisions like "everything in this room has to go, or I lose the house" -- they have to touch each item, deliberate, and mostly can't make the call to let go.

That's about things like OCD and anxiety. These mental health traits and disorders have some connection to heredity, but not every child gets them. You might not be great at paring down or housecleaning if you didn't have a good example, but it's not going to make you dysfunctional. You can learn. Your siblings probably are struggling with problems you can't see and have no empathy for, especially because those ways of being aren't yours.

NP. A different way to look at this is reflected in my household.
My DH gets one room and it is a hoarder's paradise. It creeps out but for the most part is contained to that room. He is anxious and his anxiety results in this desire to not make decisions.
I am also anxious and my anxiety propels me into action, like decluttering.
We're both working on our anxiety but our default is different.

Oof, I have the exact same situation: I'm an anxious doer, he's an anxious not-doer, he has a basement room that's upsetting but that's our compromise. Thanks for laying it out so clearly.

I have an anxious parent who is a hoarder. I don't think their dynamic is the same. I would describe the hoarder as an anxious doer, usually, and that's how they accumulated the stuff. They can decide to get rid of stuff, but there's a need for control about what happens to the stuff (sale for enough $, or to someone specific, or used in a particular way). It's time consuming or impossible to make those things happen, so the stuff stays.

DP. That's a way of not making a decision. You can see that, right? It's the excuse, not the reason -- or over time, they could have spent the energy to work out those logistics. They didn't.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parents and siblings are hoarders, and I am not. Parents had a lot of storage space so their actual living space was clear and you could walk around. But storage spaces are PACKED. At least 150 boxes of junk, stacks of old newspapers, etc.

How did I “escape” this outcome?

If you boil it down to essentials, serious hoarding isn't about having not enough stuff in childhood, or about the example you had, or anything like that. It's about being unable to make decisions. When decisions are overwhelming, you put them off, and off, and off. Watch the extreme hoarding shows and see how the holder can't make rational decisions like "everything in this room has to go, or I lose the house" -- they have to touch each item, deliberate, and mostly can't make the call to let go.

That's about things like OCD and anxiety. These mental health traits and disorders have some connection to heredity, but not every child gets them. You might not be great at paring down or housecleaning if you didn't have a good example, but it's not going to make you dysfunctional. You can learn. Your siblings probably are struggling with problems you can't see and have no empathy for, especially because those ways of being aren't yours.

NP. A different way to look at this is reflected in my household.
My DH gets one room and it is a hoarder's paradise. It creeps out but for the most part is contained to that room. He is anxious and his anxiety results in this desire to not make decisions.
I am also anxious and my anxiety propels me into action, like decluttering.
We're both working on our anxiety but our default is different.

Oof, I have the exact same situation: I'm an anxious doer, he's an anxious not-doer, he has a basement room that's upsetting but that's our compromise. Thanks for laying it out so clearly.

I have an anxious parent who is a hoarder. I don't think their dynamic is the same. I would describe the hoarder as an anxious doer, usually, and that's how they accumulated the stuff. They can decide to get rid of stuff, but there's a need for control about what happens to the stuff (sale for enough $, or to someone specific, or used in a particular way). It's time consuming or impossible to make those things happen, so the stuff stays.

So true. I still struggle with this mindset, but it's better now that I live with a DH and at least one DC who will not move anything out. In their case they have strong ADHD traits and have a hard time focusing, making decisions, and taking action.

A lot of hoarders have adhd. Anxiety goes hand in hand with adhd. So add in the inability to focus, easily distracted, and hyperfocus issues to all the typical anxiety issues.

One time when my kids were small, I had to move. I could not do anything else until I checked all the games and puzzles to make sure they had all the pieces before we packed or tossed them. I get that it was a compulsion and wasn’t a necessity, and I knew it then, but I could not resist it. And that was just a move, I got to take stuff with me. MIL does that when we try to help her clean up her house or clear out a room. She’ll fixate on one type of item in an out of the way area and ignore the mounds and piles that make living areas impossible to use.

Consider yourself lucky that you’re wired differently enough to escape that fate OP. People don’t want to live that way, it’s just so difficult that it feels impossible to change. It’s sort of like gaining/losing weight. It creeps up on you and by the time some people realize they have a problem, the problem feels insurmountable. While it’s still manageable, it hardly seems worth the time to make the necessary changes. Then you’re trapped in that home or body and there’s so much shame associated with these situations you can’t ask for help even though you definitely can’t fix it on your own.

PP again. I think your question is the flip side of why are the rest of my family anxious neat freaks or compulsive hand washers and I’m not? But you could also ask why they have bipolar disorder and you don’t or why they’re tall and you’re not. Some of it is nurture but nature plays a huge role too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parents and siblings are hoarders, and I am not. Parents had a lot of storage space so their actual living space was clear and you could walk around. But storage spaces are PACKED. At least 150 boxes of junk, stacks of old newspapers, etc.

How did I “escape” this outcome?

If you boil it down to essentials, serious hoarding isn't about having not enough stuff in childhood, or about the example you had, or anything like that. It's about being unable to make decisions. When decisions are overwhelming, you put them off, and off, and off. Watch the extreme hoarding shows and see how the holder can't make rational decisions like "everything in this room has to go, or I lose the house" -- they have to touch each item, deliberate, and mostly can't make the call to let go.

That's about things like OCD and anxiety. These mental health traits and disorders have some connection to heredity, but not every child gets them. You might not be great at paring down or housecleaning if you didn't have a good example, but it's not going to make you dysfunctional. You can learn. Your siblings probably are struggling with problems you can't see and have no empathy for, especially because those ways of being aren't yours.

NP. A different way to look at this is reflected in my household.
My DH gets one room and it is a hoarder's paradise. It creeps out but for the most part is contained to that room. He is anxious and his anxiety results in this desire to not make decisions.
I am also anxious and my anxiety propels me into action, like decluttering.
We're both working on our anxiety but our default is different.

Oof, I have the exact same situation: I'm an anxious doer, he's an anxious not-doer, he has a basement room that's upsetting but that's our compromise. Thanks for laying it out so clearly.

I have an anxious parent who is a hoarder. I don't think their dynamic is the same. I would describe the hoarder as an anxious doer, usually, and that's how they accumulated the stuff. They can decide to get rid of stuff, but there's a need for control about what happens to the stuff (sale for enough $, or to someone specific, or used in a particular way). It's time consuming or impossible to make those things happen, so the stuff stays.

DP. That's a way of not making a decision. You can see that, right? It's the excuse, not the reason -- or over time, they could have spent the energy to work out those logistics. They didn't.

DP. Obviously they didn’t, but I think it’s important to note that they’re trying to change and feel helpless to do so because the problem is too big. I think it oversimplifies the issue to say they could’ve fixed it but chose to do nothing.

[Anonymous]

I don't think this lack of being able to make decisions explains hoarding in many cases.

For the people I know, it's an unhealthy association between material things and memories. Oh, that's the dress I wore when I met DH (20+ years ago); that's the blanket that Larlo got in the hospital; that's the hotel brochure and restaurant menu from our honeymoon, that's the note pad I had with me on my first day of my first job (30 years ago), etc. etc.

I have a hard time disposing of things like this because it seems like I'd be throwing out the memories as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parents and siblings are hoarders, and I am not. Parents had a lot of storage space so their actual living space was clear and you could walk around. But storage spaces are PACKED. At least 150 boxes of junk, stacks of old newspapers, etc.

How did I “escape” this outcome?

If you boil it down to essentials, serious hoarding isn't about having not enough stuff in childhood, or about the example you had, or anything like that. It's about being unable to make decisions. When decisions are overwhelming, you put them off, and off, and off. Watch the extreme hoarding shows and see how the holder can't make rational decisions like "everything in this room has to go, or I lose the house" -- they have to touch each item, deliberate, and mostly can't make the call to let go.

That's about things like OCD and anxiety. These mental health traits and disorders have some connection to heredity, but not every child gets them. You might not be great at paring down or housecleaning if you didn't have a good example, but it's not going to make you dysfunctional. You can learn. Your siblings probably are struggling with problems you can't see and have no empathy for, especially because those ways of being aren't yours.

NP. A different way to look at this is reflected in my household.
My DH gets one room and it is a hoarder's paradise. It creeps out but for the most part is contained to that room. He is anxious and his anxiety results in this desire to not make decisions.
I am also anxious and my anxiety propels me into action, like decluttering.
We're both working on our anxiety but our default is different.

Oof, I have the exact same situation: I'm an anxious doer, he's an anxious not-doer, he has a basement room that's upsetting but that's our compromise. Thanks for laying it out so clearly.

I have an anxious parent who is a hoarder. I don't think their dynamic is the same. I would describe the hoarder as an anxious doer, usually, and that's how they accumulated the stuff. They can decide to get rid of stuff, but there's a need for control about what happens to the stuff (sale for enough $, or to someone specific, or used in a particular way). It's time consuming or impossible to make those things happen, so the stuff stays.

DP. That's a way of not making a decision. You can see that, right? It's the excuse, not the reason -- or over time, they could have spent the energy to work out those logistics. They didn't.

DP. Obviously they didn’t, but I think it’s important to note that they’re trying to change and feel helpless to do so because the problem is too big. I think it oversimplifies the issue to say they could’ve fixed it but chose to do nothing.

All I'm saying is that the difficulty is in making the decision. People frame it in all kinds of ways and then go off expending energy on fixing those tangents, but that's all wasted energy. Really, it is. If you don't address the real core problem, then you are not addressing any of it in any kind of effective way.

My mother was a hoarder. I loved her before her death, and I still love her memory. I wasted so much time and energy chasing all the "reasons" while things got worse and worse, and when she was on chemotherapy, we had to physically remove her from all the goat-trails, mold, and dead things buried in the hoard. It was traumatic for all of us, and her most of all.

If they don't address their core problems, they aren't changing, and they aren't trying to change in anything like a remotely effective way. That doesn't mean it isn't hard, PP. I know it is.

It's hard. They need specialized therapy. That's hard to do, and hard to find. It's still the only thing that really helps.