If you have a child in a wheelchair

[Anonymous]

My daughter is turning 15 and has become very close friends with a classmate of hers - who is in a chair. I'm not sure what her disability is, but she has a full-time helper at school. My daughter is having a sleep over with a few friends and wants to invite this girl, however, I live in an older home that is not accessible (living space is up two flights of stairs). We discussed having her over and the girls could stay in the basement, but we do not have a bathroom on that floor.

My daughter is insistent on inviting her friend and not wanting her to be left out. I don't know the parents - but have gotten their number from other school events. Would it be weird to call them/message them and ask them about what accommodations they would need (or if she's even allowed?)

Sorry if this post is offensive or off-putting, Im just trying to include my daughters friend.

[Anonymous]

It’s absolutely appropriate and welcome to call the parents and explain how your home is set up, inquire about what kinds of accommodations their child needs and whether you can offer those accommodations. It’s also appropriate for your daughter to have this conversation directly with her friend. Explaining how your home is set up is essential information in determining whether they can/will want to accept the invitation. It’s not rude or inappropriate to be direct. Being direct about asking what she needs is important so they don’t feel like they’re a burden about needing accommodations and they don’t have to be anxious if they choose to go to an event about what will happen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s absolutely appropriate and welcome to call the parents and explain how your home is set up, inquire about what kinds of accommodations their child needs and whether you can offer those accommodations. It’s also appropriate for your daughter to have this conversation directly with her friend. Explaining how your home is set up is essential information in determining whether they can/will want to accept the invitation. It’s not rude or inappropriate to be direct. Being direct about asking what she needs is important so they don’t feel like they’re a burden about needing accommodations and they don’t have to be anxious if they choose to go to an event about what will happen.

And this is true for all disabilities and not just for people who need wheelchairs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s absolutely appropriate and welcome to call the parents and explain how your home is set up, inquire about what kinds of accommodations their child needs and whether you can offer those accommodations. It’s also appropriate for your daughter to have this conversation directly with her friend. Explaining how your home is set up is essential information in determining whether they can/will want to accept the invitation. It’s not rude or inappropriate to be direct. Being direct about asking what she needs is important so they don’t feel like they’re a burden about needing accommodations and they don’t have to be anxious if they choose to go to an event about what will happen.

All of this. I was thinking this through and about to post when this popped up.

[Anonymous]

Not offensive at all. Would reach out to the parents and say you’re wanting to have the girls celebrate together, what would work for their daughter?? (Is your daughter into a Plan B birthday party that DOES work, if the sleepover at your place doesn’t work?)

[Anonymous]

Hotel?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hotel?

I thought the same. Especially if there is a pool that is accessible (which may be required) if she would like to participate in that.

[Anonymous]

This kind of call would be very welcome here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not offensive at all. Would reach out to the parents and say you’re wanting to have the girls celebrate together, what would work for their daughter?? (Is your daughter into a Plan B birthday party that DOES work, if the sleepover at your place doesn’t work?)

OP here - my daughter's concern is that the girl will feel like a plan B friend, but that's not a bad idea either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hotel?

I thought the same. Especially if there is a pool that is accessible (which may be required) if she would like to participate in that.

OP here - I can't believe I didn't think of that. Especially with a room that is accessible. Thank you DCUM brain trust!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s absolutely appropriate and welcome to call the parents and explain how your home is set up, inquire about what kinds of accommodations their child needs and whether you can offer those accommodations. It’s also appropriate for your daughter to have this conversation directly with her friend. Explaining how your home is set up is essential information in determining whether they can/will want to accept the invitation. It’s not rude or inappropriate to be direct. Being direct about asking what she needs is important so they don’t feel like they’re a burden about needing accommodations and they don’t have to be anxious if they choose to go to an event about what will happen.

Thanks for this - I think my daughter plans to text her friend, but I didn't want it to be weird if she invited her and we couldn't successfully accommodate. I'm probably over thinking this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not offensive at all. Would reach out to the parents and say you’re wanting to have the girls celebrate together, what would work for their daughter?? (Is your daughter into a Plan B birthday party that DOES work, if the sleepover at your place doesn’t work?)

OP here - my daughter's concern is that the girl will feel like a plan B friend, but that's not a bad idea either.

No, if you have a “Plan B” party that can accommodate the friend in the wheelchair, the friend will feel like she’s liked and valued enough to be included. Literally only positive vibes will come from proactively working to include the friend. I can guarantee that the friend has been excluded from most things her entire life and even imperfect inclusion is better than complete exclusion. Maybe instead of calling it a Plan B, you should just think about it as understanding more about your daughter’s friend’s needs so that you can plan activities that they can also participate in.

[Anonymous]

You are a good person, OP. Best wishes for an awesome party!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s absolutely appropriate and welcome to call the parents and explain how your home is set up, inquire about what kinds of accommodations their child needs and whether you can offer those accommodations. It’s also appropriate for your daughter to have this conversation directly with her friend. Explaining how your home is set up is essential information in determining whether they can/will want to accept the invitation. It’s not rude or inappropriate to be direct. Being direct about asking what she needs is important so they don’t feel like they’re a burden about needing accommodations and they don’t have to be anxious if they choose to go to an event about what will happen.

Thanks for this - I think my daughter plans to text her friend, but I didn't want it to be weird if she invited her and we couldn't successfully accommodate. I'm probably over thinking this.

You aren't over thinking this. Each kid who uses a wheelchair is different, and talking this through with their parent is what would make this a success.

If you're willing to make changes to accommodate, then I'd start with finding out what that friend needs, and then planning a party around those needs before invites go out. So, it doesn't feel like Plan B. The inclusive plan would be the first one you make.

[Anonymous]

Please please please call and ask so much better than daughter not getting invited.