What’s going on here? Over sharing and then clamming up?

[Anonymous]

I need someone to help me understand why this person does this. I don’t know if it’s a form of gaslighting, because I feel like I’m losing my mind, or something else.

I have a colleague whom I communicate with a couple times a week. Earlier this morning she sent me an email letting me know she’d be out of the office all of next week, that she was going on vacation before going home for the holiday, and wouldn’t be back until the 27th. I emailed her back wishing her a happy holiday and that I’d get in touch after the 27th. I didn’t expect to see her today, but then I ran into her in the copy room. I wished her a nice vacation and politely asked her if she was going anywhere warm. She matter of factly responded: I don’t like to talk about my personal life.

What? SHE brought it up. She could have just as easily simply said she’d be out of the office, full stop. But SHE said vacation. And this isn’t the first time this has happened.


Once before, she sent an email when she would be out of the office, explaining her child was very sick. When I saw her next, I asked how her child was, to which she replied: I don’t like to talk about my children. Then why not just say you’d be out of the office? We really don’t need to know why. There have been other times this has happened, too, but I won’t go into details about those, but suffice it to say it’s the same situation. It’s so awkward.

Why in the world does she do this?

[Anonymous]

if it keeps happening, then why do you keep asking? let her be.

she shares as much as she wants to -- maybe she's sharing a bit of detail so her coworkers don't think she's weird. but you know she doesn't like answering questions, so the obvious solution is to stop asking her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:if it keeps happening, then why do you keep asking? let her be.

she shares as much as she wants to -- maybe she's sharing a bit of detail so her coworkers don't think she's weird. but you know she doesn't like answering questions, so the obvious solution is to stop asking her.

Yeah, she's pretty weird and rude but now that you know that, don't even try with her. No small talk.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:if it keeps happening, then why do you keep asking? let her be.

she shares as much as she wants to -- maybe she's sharing a bit of detail so her coworkers don't think she's weird. but you know she doesn't like answering questions, so the obvious solution is to stop asking her.

Yeah, she's pretty weird and rude but now that you know that, don't even try with her. No small talk.

+1

She has personality deficits at best, OP. Don't engage.

[Anonymous]

The pattern here is that she never shares in person, or at work.

Also, are you sure she knows her emails go to you? Sometimes in large orgs you send stuff out but don’t know what person actually looks like…

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The pattern here is that she never shares in person, or at work.

Also, are you sure she knows her emails go to you? Sometimes in large orgs you send stuff out but don’t know what person actually looks like…

They are just to me.

I appreciate your replies. I get it, it’s a “me” problem. It’s just so bizarre that she shares so much via email, but then won’t talk at all I person about the things she shares. I just wonder what’s going on inside her head when she chooses to add the unnecessary intimate details.

[Anonymous]

How bizarre. I am a very private person myself but those questions are by no means intrusive. Totally standard and polite small talk. I just would not engage with her anymore beyond what is necessary.

[Anonymous]

My guess is that she either forgets what she emails or just is bad at communicating on the spot and gets flustered and responds poorly. Agreed that you can just stop asking personal questions. Or if she does it again, you could gently say something like "oh, you had told me your son was sick so I had been thinking of him. You don't have to share any details; I just hope he's feeling better." That might jostle her out of her surprise and remind her you are on her side here. She is probably super awkward more than trying to be rude. Or if she was lying about why she was out, she will know you remember what she says.

[Anonymous]

i think it's odd that you think it's "oversharing" for someone to say that they were going on vacation or have to take care of a sick kid.

maybe she's letting people will know that she isn't just working from home and that she won't be available.

[Anonymous]

I don’t think she’s “oversharing”. She probably feels she’s sharing just enough. If she didn’t say, she might feel people this she’s always sick. Or always on vacation. So she tells you but doesn’t want to be your friend and doesn’t want/need the follow up. She’s an odd duck but at least she’s consistent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think she’s “oversharing”. She probably feels she’s sharing just enough. If she didn’t say, she might feel people this she’s always sick. Or always on vacation. So she tells you but doesn’t want to be your friend and doesn’t want/need the follow up. She’s an odd duck but at least she’s consistent.

You’re right, I should have just said “sharing”.

[Anonymous]

My guess is that she feels obligated to give a reason for absence, but doesn’t want it to turn into personal conversations or further exchange of information.
She also sounds like she isn’t from the U.S.
Lastly, it may just be some mild social deficit or special need.

[Anonymous]

She’s sharing the amount of information she’s comfortable sharing. You’re pushing for more. It doesn’t have to be no info or all the info.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She’s sharing the amount of information she’s comfortable sharing. You’re pushing for more. It doesn’t have to be no info or all the info.

This very well may be true, but it’s still an odd response nonetheless.

[Anonymous]

I think you know now not to ask personal questions. You might say something like, "I hope you had a nice vacation." That's not prying, but she may still take it as too personal.