Giving away toy, then changing mind

[Anonymous]

DC 8 yrs old had a friend over. The friend saw a toy and wanted to take it home. DC said no, but after being asked many times eventually said yes. It went back and forth. As we were leaving the house to take kid home, I asked my kid the final decision and they said the friend could take it.

Then in the car my kid changes their mind. There is about to be a tussle/fight. I support my kid and tell other kid to return toy. They do but are upset.

Should I have supported other kid? More general question… do you allow kid to give away their things? Any limits on that?

[Anonymous]

As far as I'm concerned, this is a lesson on learning how to say no to your friends. If you can't say no and stick with it, be prepared to suffer the consequences.

[Anonymous]

Was the friend asking to keep the toy forever, or to take it home for a few days?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As far as I'm concerned, this is a lesson on learning how to say no to your friends. If you can't say no and stick with it, be prepared to suffer the consequences.

+2

A good lesson on boundaries and consequences. I would not have asked the other kid for the toy back, but I would mention it to their parent that they were asking incessantly (which is rude).

[Anonymous]

You did the right thing OP. It was your kid's toy and they were not obligated to give it away. The other child should not have asked at all, let alone multiple times.

When my kids were young I made it very clear to them that any toy/item given to them by another kid that was not a birthday present for my child was subject to return upon request of the other child or parent.

Going forward, you can practice with your child to say no and/or have a clear rule that your child is not allowed to give away their toys. In fact, your child's go to answer can be, "my mom/dad doesn't allow me to give my toys away to my friends."

[Anonymous]

I tell my kids no trades/giveaways. Especially my son he's far too impressionable and easily influenced

[Anonymous]

You should have stepped in when you saw your kid was ambivalent and being pressured. You should have said, sort, but DC does not have permission to give the toy away. Then later talk to your kid about how to stand up for himself and not give in to pressure. Saying this because I’m sure there will be another chance when this comes up.

For now, do not get the gift back. Lesson learned, If you celebrate Christmas or Hanukkah, maybe DC can add it to his list.

[Anonymous]

I would not have taken it back from the other child after their “final decision”. Your kid made a choice and gave it to them. You have to support that choice even if the consequences aren’t great, that’s how they learn. If your kid really still wanted it back I’d have bought them a new one later as long as they weren’t whining about it. If they were both arguing over it to the point where they got physical I’d just have thrown it out the window and been done with it.

I’d have your kid buy a new version of the toy to give to the other child when they visit next.

[Anonymous]

I would’ve (nicely) shut it down when the kid kept asking over and over for the toy. Kids this age ask for things other kids have and sometimes it creates awkward situations. Until they outgrow it, just teach your kid to politely say no, and step in if need be. Just tell the friend he/she can play with the toy at your house, but it’s your DC’s and DC can’t give it away, sorry.

[Anonymous]

If you were going to intervene to help your child hold onto their toy, why did you wait until the last minute? Why did you make your child make a “final” decision, but then offer an escape hatch when dc wanted to renege on the “final” decision? Either stay out of it entirely or intervene in a timely manner, but you prolonged this back-and-forth and helped turn it into a bigger deal than it needed to be.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I tell my kids no trades/giveaways. Especially my son he's far too impressionable and easily influenced

Praise them for how thoughtful and kind and then no to giving away. Save that for bdays and charities.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you were going to intervene to help your child hold onto their toy, why did you wait until the last minute? Why did you make your child make a “final” decision, but then offer an escape hatch when dc wanted to renege on the “final” decision? Either stay out of it entirely or intervene in a timely manner, but you prolonged this back-and-forth and helped turn it into a bigger deal than it needed to be.

Exactly this. As far as I am concerned, OP’s kid (in what, 3rd grade?) made a decision. No take backs.

That’s what I would do with my son and he is only a 1st grader. On the other hand if the situation were flipped, I would make DS give back a toy to his friend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You should have stepped in when you saw your kid was ambivalent and being pressured. You should have said, sort, but DC does not have permission to give the toy away. Then later talk to your kid about how to stand up for himself and not give in to pressure. Saying this because I’m sure there will be another chance when this comes up.

For now, do not get the gift back. Lesson learned, If you celebrate Christmas or Hanukkah, maybe DC can add it to his list.

Agree wit this. Sometimes we have to read our kids body language and say what they don't want to. Maybe she doesn't know how, so it's time to teach her. "Sorry we're going to keep this at home, but I'll text your mom a link to it and you can talk to her about it".

[Anonymous]

What a rude child that other "friend" is constantly badgering your child for his toy. How awful. I would not have that kids over again.

[Anonymous]

Agree, you should have stepped in to say "Our toys are for our house and your toys are for your house. But we are so glad you could come over here today and play with <WHATEVER THE TOY IS> and Larlo can go check out your stuff sometime."