In laws blame niece for her stepfather’s abuse

[Anonymous]

My SIL’s ex husband (ex bc he was abusing her daughter) went to jail for abusing my niece. It started when she was a tween. It was discovered when she was 15.

My in-laws pov - they can’t forgive “what she did to her mother” (like an 11 yr old was having an affair!). And was using the relationship to get things/him doing her favors (more likely he was bribing her to keep her mouth shut.

I just can’t even believe they could consider thinking such a warped and disgusting thing.

They have no relationship with her and it’s just so sad. It messed her up so bad.

My SIL got her lots of therapy, kicked the guy out the second she learned, etc. she did right by her daughter. Which I am glad she has that support.

But my SIL is still close w her parents.

My husband doesn’t agree with his parents on just about everything. And thinks they are crazy. But no one confronts them! It’s so messed up!!

[Anonymous]

Your in-laws sound like mental cases. Support your niece and stay away from them.

[Anonymous]

My H’s family has incest in the family.

I refuse to be around the abusers which has alienated us from the family.

His family acts like “sh!t happens” like it’s not a big deal, like putting to much salt in the potato salad is as big an offense.

My therapist warned me but I NEVER IMAGINED.

[Anonymous]

I hope you can support your SIL. If everyone around her is gaslighting her, she may just be grateful for any crumbs of support she can get - which could end up being devastating for the daughter.

Your husband needs to grow a spine and stand up for his sister and niece to his parents. He’s part of the problem if he’s not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I hope you can support your SIL. If everyone around her is gaslighting her, she may just be grateful for any crumbs of support she can get - which could end up being devastating for the daughter.

Your husband needs to grow a spine and stand up for his sister and niece to his parents. He’s part of the problem if he’s not.

That’s an interesting point. Her getting gaslighted. I think you are right.

And my husband does stand up to them on various issues. But not this. He knows they are nuts and they won’t change.

[Anonymous]

Support her. Tell her you believe her and it was never her fault.

Tell her you will be there to protect her whenever she needs it.

Tell your husband to do the same.

And every time you hear his parents try to gas light her: write it down. Log it. If you can record it for evidence, do that too.

This is the one thing that would make me cut my parents off forever. So having someone else support me and my child through witnessing and recording with me to keep me from going insane would be immensely beneficial.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I hope you can support your SIL. If everyone around her is gaslighting her, she may just be grateful for any crumbs of support she can get - which could end up being devastating for the daughter.

Your husband needs to grow a spine and stand up for his sister and niece to his parents. He’s part of the problem if he’s not.

That’s an interesting point. Her getting gaslighted. I think you are right.

And my husband does stand up to them on various issues. But not this. He knows they are nuts and they won’t change.

What?? You are making excuses for your husband who won’t stand up for a helpless 11-year old SA victim because they are “nuts and won’t change”?? I stand by my comment that he is definitely part of the problem.

ANYTIME they make a comment that implies the niece is to blame, he must call them out and leave (and take his family) if they pushback.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My SIL’s ex husband (ex bc he was abusing her daughter) went to jail for abusing my niece. It started when she was a tween. It was discovered when she was 15.

My in-laws pov - they can’t forgive “what she did to her mother” (like an 11 yr old was having an affair!). And was using the relationship to get things/him doing her favors (more likely he was bribing her to keep her mouth shut.

I just can’t even believe they could consider thinking such a warped and disgusting thing.

They have no relationship with her and it’s just so sad. It messed her up so bad.

My SIL got her lots of therapy, kicked the guy out the second she learned, etc. she did right by her daughter. Which I am glad she has that support.

But my SIL is still close w her parents.

My husband doesn’t agree with his parents on just about everything. And thinks they are crazy. But no one confronts them! It’s so messed up!!

Why don't you confront them? You don't have to do it in a screaming and yelling type scenario.

I finally spoke up for my SIL - her husband has been an unemployed bum for 20 years but my IL's blame her for holding him back. It's mental. I finally couldn't take it and just matter of factly said that I don't believe anyone can stop a 50 year old man from getting a job if that's what he actually wants to do. Everyone shut up real quick.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Support her. Tell her you believe her and it was never her fault.

Tell her you will be there to protect her whenever she needs it.

Tell your husband to do the same.

And every time you hear his parents try to gas light her: write it down. Log it. If you can record it for evidence, do that too.

This is the one thing that would make me cut my parents off forever. So having someone else support me and my child through witnessing and recording with me to keep me from going insane would be immensely beneficial.

+1

Gaslighting in general is evil. I can’t imagine doing that to anyone.

Under 18 is statutory rape, and it’s incest, so your ILs’ view is disgusting.

[Anonymous]

Anyone at all who stands by and lets the inlaws cruel statements about this situation go unchallenged is doing a lot of damage to the victim and her mother. That includes you OP, your husband, and anyone else who knows what happened.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My SIL’s ex husband (ex bc he was abusing her daughter) went to jail for abusing my niece. It started when she was a tween. It was discovered when she was 15.

My in-laws pov - they can’t forgive “what she did to her mother” (like an 11 yr old was having an affair!). And was using the relationship to get things/him doing her favors (more likely he was bribing her to keep her mouth shut.

I just can’t even believe they could consider thinking such a warped and disgusting thing.

They have no relationship with her and it’s just so sad. It messed her up so bad.

My SIL got her lots of therapy, kicked the guy out the second she learned, etc. she did right by her daughter. Which I am glad she has that support.

But my SIL is still close w her parents.

My husband doesn’t agree with his parents on just about everything. And thinks they are crazy. But no one confronts them! It’s so messed up!!

Why don't you confront them? You don't have to do it in a screaming and yelling type scenario.

I finally spoke up for my SIL - her husband has been an unemployed bum for 20 years but my IL's blame her for holding him back. It's mental. I finally couldn't take it and just matter of factly said that I don't believe anyone can stop a 50 year old man from getting a job if that's what he actually wants to do. Everyone shut up real quick.

Who cares if the ILs get mad at you, OP? Tell them the truth, and call them out on their reprehensible behavior. As PP said it doesn't need to be in some hysterical rage. Don't leave this to your DH.

[Anonymous]

I know this is an extreme example, but I'm reading Jill Duggars new book right now (it's a really well written quick read, I recommend it) and it's just mind blowing how families sweep this kind of stuff under the rug or think it is "in the past".

[Anonymous]

As a victim of incest and also having being blamed my perspective is, they aren’t able to cope with their failure to protect you so they need to make you part of the problem to save themselves. Everyone likes to envision themselves the hero if only given the opportunity and when that didn’t happen they save their vision of themselves as best they can and end up throwing you under the bus. Only my pov. Also abuse victims aren’t a homogeneous group, we all want/need different responses to help cope, something to keep in mind.

[Anonymous]

For those saying it is incest, it is not. The title of the thread says stepfather. Still horrific, obviously. Just want to be clear about the facts.