Eldercare 101?
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Anonymous
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My parents are in their early 80s and live about an hour away from me.
I've been very fortunate in that, up to this point, my parents have remained independent and physically and mentally healthy. However, in the past year I have started to notice indications of mental decline in both - each parent forgetting conversations that they had with me, a parent who was always unflappable becoming easily irritated, etc. They are still driving but I think they shouldn't be. There's also the question of how much longer they can live independently. This board is an excellent resource for specific questions, but I really need an overall summary of everything I need to be considering and doing for this chapter of life. I would appreciate any suggestions for where or how I can learn the basics of caring for my parents in this stage. |
Anonymous
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I will take a stab:
Unless your parents have a specific plan in place for their care, what will likely happen is that eventually there will be a catastrophic event that will force them to change (i.e. get help or move). Until then, you can offer suggestions, but at the end of the day it is their choice, and it is difficult to "make" them do anything they don't want to do. Most parents don't accept parenting from their adult kids very well. This is what eight months of stress and hand wringing and research has taught me. I was in a similar boat to you. Read or listen to "Being Mortal" - it helped me see it from their perspective and understand how freedom needs to be considered as much (or more) than safety. Nobody gets out of here alive. |
Anonymous
| Good advice above but I'd add - have a conversation with them about wills, POAs, Advance Directives, etc if you've not yet done so. Make sure these are all in place, you know where to find them and you have a general outline re their wishes. |
Anonymous
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If you don’t already have it make sure to get a POA put into place and if they’re amenable to it, get usernames and passwords to their accounts. See if you can locate life insurance policies and 401k’s. Basically try to organize the financial side as much as you can.
Next up talk to your parents about their wishes. See if they’re amenable to moving closer to you. This is so important and my mom waited so long to move closer. As far as driving, my mom self-regulated that and made the decision for herself so I can’t help there. |
Anonymous
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I’ll add: go through their house with them and identify safety hazards (bath mats, rugs, clutter on stairs come to mind). Remove and replace immediately. Slip and falls are so common.
Consider finding a gerontologist for both. Make certain they maintain a list of all meds to include OTC. Encourage them to clear out clutter. Get organized. My FIL just shredded checks for DH college tuition; DH graduated in 1990. |
Anonymous
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Some good advice. At the bare minimum know what their wishes are, know about their finances, if they have a Will, who is the executor? If you are the person who will be in charge - make sure they have or you create for them a life folder. It should include any medication, health information. Separately have an important documents folder for copies of details on bank accounts, retirement funds, the deed to the house etc.
When things do happen they often happen unexpectedly and you are working on adrenaline and memory. Being able to quickly and efficiently have access to pertinent details is important. If they have a slow decline then you will need to figure out if they can stay in their house, who or how will they get help - rides to doctors, managing their medications, keeping their house clean, their bills paid, meals etc. There are a lot of good check lists online of things to ask them about, or what you will need to know. But even if you have done a lot of this - expect it whatever the next steps are to be tough, expensive and time consuming. |
Anonymous
| PP and I’ll keep posting this re: driving. In Virginia (please research your parents’ state of residence) anyone can “anonymously” file a request for medical fitness to drive (something like that). The reporter (neighbor, relative, etc.) outlines concerns and sends form to DMV. Then a DMV employee calls and collects more info and a medical review packet will be mailed to driver. Driver had 30 days to respond (it’s a lot-a doctor has to review, provide opinion on next steps, can suggest a vision and/or written and/or road test) and in the meantime drivers license will appear with note that “under review” (not allowed to drive during review). If nothing is done (as is case w/ my parent), DL is suspended. |
Anonymous
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Thank you everyone - all of this is very helpful. On the topic of driving - I completely understand why it would be so emotionally and socially important to continue to drive; however my concern is not just for my parents but also for others on the road.
My parents are in Maryland - I will see what my options are there for reporting a driver for evaluation (a sibling already had a conversation with my parents about stopping driving - my parents were not receptive). |
Anonymous
This sounds good when driving is an issue, but also kind of sounds like something that could be weaponized. If I just don't like my neighbor for some other reason (dog barks, doesn't maintain their lawn, etc.) couldn't I just call up and make a huge hassle for them to keep their drivers license? |
Anonymous
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There is a book called “how to care for aging parents” by Virginia Morris.
I found it to be an excellent one source guide and its worth buying a copy. I refer to different chapters depending on the need at the time. It has everything from emotional aspects to practicalities your sibling dynamics. |
Anonymous
Thank you. All the comments here have been helpful; this is exactly what I was looking for. |
Anonymous
PP quoted and with your signature you are certifying that all is correct and you aren’t doing this under fraudulent circumstances, etc. Additionally, I received a follow up call from a DMV case manager and we went over each point and I even had some updates. The call was recorded (for quality assurance purposes - ha!) and before I hung up, I was advised that the case was now “closed” to me and that only the driver may call and ask questions. Oddly, my parent hasn’t mentioned one word to anyone about her DMV status and her license will be suspended soon if it hasn’t already. |
Anonymous
| I know an elderly couple where the wife ran a stop shop gm and killed her, her husband, and a man and his little boy. Don’t take chances n this. |