Weekend planning by one or both parents

[Anonymous]

Dh rarely participates in kid activities on weekend. He loves to sleep in, and I take 2 kids out to playground, holiday events, birthday parties/playdates, classes etc. I make the decision, and I put it on shared calendar. On some weekends, he can't participate because he is on call. On some weekends, he does not participate because he finds those activities boring. I love to and enjoy taking kids out on weekend even though I am tired from working 5 days a week. He is mad sometimes that I sign up/register events before letting him know/talking to him. I know he won't participate due to either being on call/not something he will find it fun/he has his own plan, why is he mad that I don't involve him before making comittment. I DO tell him after I register, and he is mad.

Do you involve the other parent to make this decision if you know he/she won't come at all?

[Anonymous]

We have a similar imbalance and I usually inform him. In your case I would say, hey, I’m going to sign DD up for a class that Saturday morning and she has a birthday party in the afternoon. You are welcome to join but don’t have to.

I’ll also plan a family outing and check in first. Hey, what do you think about going to the zoo together Sunday?

[Anonymous]

Same in my house. I just inform. If it’s going to be an ongoing activity or one that I pay in advance for, I inform in advance.

[Anonymous]

Op here. I think he is mad because I inform him after I make the solo decision or rsvp instead of inform/involve him BEFORE I make the decision to go. He feels that he is not involved and probably feels disrespected. Well, I know that either he is not going or he can't go. It just slips my mind that I forget again to ask him in advance.

We do family outing and hang out with adult friends once in a while on weekends. He prefers the hang out ones with adult friends that love kids or other families with kids of similar ages that kind of social events.

[Anonymous]

I make plans and inform DH. He never remembers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I make plans and inform DH. He never remembers.

Same here, and we have a calendar on the fridge, plus a linked calendar app on our phones where all event details are available. He never bothers to look. 95% of planning and execution is on me, so I just deal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I make plans and inform DH. He never remembers.

Same here, and we have a calendar on the fridge, plus a linked calendar app on our phones where all event details are available. He never bothers to look. 95% of planning and execution is on me, so I just deal.

Sad!

[Anonymous]

Why don’t you talk with him? Tell him that if he never participates it is unreasonable for you to schedule around him, but also tell him that you would love to have him participate. Then the two of you have a conversation.

[Anonymous]

If he has told you that he would like to be consulted before you make these scheduling decisions, and you repeatedly “forget,” then yes, that is extremely disrespectful. If he did that to you, even after you’d asked him not to, would you be ok with that?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If he has told you that he would like to be consulted before you make these scheduling decisions, and you repeatedly “forget,” then yes, that is extremely disrespectful. If he did that to you, even after you’d asked him not to, would you be ok with that?

He is just trying to get “good dad” points to balance out his absence.

What is he going to say “larlo shouldn’t go to the birthday party for his friend because I want a family outing to the farmers market” — which will never happen because he wants to sleep in and do his own hobbys.

What a load of horse hooey. Your kids want to go to these outings, you don’t have a conflicting family plan, your DH never MAKES his own contributions to the family plan, what is he going to add?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If he has told you that he would like to be consulted before you make these scheduling decisions, and you repeatedly “forget,” then yes, that is extremely disrespectful. If he did that to you, even after you’d asked him not to, would you be ok with that?

He is just trying to get “good dad” points to balance out his absence.

What is he going to say “larlo shouldn’t go to the birthday party for his friend because I want a family outing to the farmers market” — which will never happen because he wants to sleep in and do his own hobbys.

What a load of horse hooey. Your kids want to go to these outings, you don’t have a conflicting family plan, your DH never MAKES his own contributions to the family plan, what is he going to add?

Yeah but marriage isn’t a competition. There are no “points.” Your attitude achieves nothing and just sows disharmony in the relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Dh rarely participates in kid activities on weekend. He loves to sleep in, and I take 2 kids out to playground, holiday events, birthday parties/playdates, classes etc. I make the decision, and I put it on shared calendar. On some weekends, he can't participate because he is on call. On some weekends, he does not participate because he finds those activities boring. I love to and enjoy taking kids out on weekend even though I am tired from working 5 days a week. He is mad sometimes that I sign up/register events before letting him know/talking to him. I know he won't participate due to either being on call/not something he will find it fun/he has his own plan, why is he mad that I don't involve him before making comittment. I DO tell him after I register, and he is mad.

Do you involve the other parent to make this decision if you know he/she won't come at all?

Sometimes on call. Sometimes he decides it’s boring. Does he ever participate? Does he EVER do it on his own or planned a conflicting activity that had to be rescheduled?

Of course he likes hanging out with adult friends, esp those with kids that can entertain his own. Dad of the year there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If he has told you that he would like to be consulted before you make these scheduling decisions, and you repeatedly “forget,” then yes, that is extremely disrespectful. If he did that to you, even after you’d asked him not to, would you be ok with that?

He is just trying to get “good dad” points to balance out his absence.

What is he going to say “larlo shouldn’t go to the birthday party for his friend because I want a family outing to the farmers market” — which will never happen because he wants to sleep in and do his own hobbys.

What a load of horse hooey. Your kids want to go to these outings, you don’t have a conflicting family plan, your DH never MAKES his own contributions to the family plan, what is he going to add?

Yeah but marriage isn’t a competition. There are no “points.” Your attitude achieves nothing and just sows disharmony in the relationship.

I’m not the one keeping score, nor is OP, I was simply attributing her DH motivation. He knows he’s slacking off on weekend — they both work. I’m curious what you think his input would be? He is just trying to paint her as a bad guy to make him look less derelict. Like when cheaters find fault in their spouses.

[Anonymous]

If you're always the one having to ask, and he's always the one making the final decision, it puts him in a position of power over you. That doesn't seem fair.

It's also, however, not fair for you to take the kids away from him all the time. Time hanging around the house after sleeping in is still time spent together.

If your spouse is truly not going to be around, then no loss, no foul. But I have a hard time imaging this to always be true. Some of those birthday parties or play dates are likely overlapping time that your spouse would be home and free to interact with the kids.

Would he be amenable to dividing things up by classification? Say certain activities you schedule with no input, eg birthday parties, but others you discuss by Friday night like classes or holiday events. If life gets too messy and you don't touch base before the weekend, then the general agreement is that your plans win out since he's sleeping in.

I'm just throwing ideas. It does seem imo that both of you are coming from a reasonable place and could benefit from meeting somewhere in the middle.

[Anonymous]

I have 3 kids. I rsvp to parties for kids. Our kids have sports, dance and scouts. I don’t ask Dh. They are our kid events and I add them to the calendar. He usually handles sports and I handle everything else.

When it is a family outing or plans with other people (dinner, go to their house), I ask Dh if he wants to go.

I am not asking Dh before RSVPing to a bday party if we have nothing on the calendar. He can go or not to. It is almost me for parties.