My mom is a know-it-all critic (Vent)
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Anonymous
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I’m an adult in my 40s. For at least 20 years, my mom cannot receive any information without proving that she already knows it or knows more about it. She manages to make these responses thinly veiled criticisms at the same time.
Example: my DD sent her a photo of a pet in the dining room. My mother did not recognize what room it was in, and mistakenly assumed it was the guest room. She responded that the pet looked cute but we really shouldn’t have it in that room because she knows that room is always cold. She always stays in that guest room and hasn’t mentioned in 15 years that it is cold. She hasn’t visited in 3 years, so she took this as an opportunity to show she knows better about our house and our pets than we do while simultaneously unearthing an ancient complaint about the temperature of the room. (Also, I sleep there a lot due to a foot injury that makes stairs hard so I know it is a lovely temperature). It wasn’t just that incident- a school photo is a chance to tell me that’s not the way Martha Stewart suggests tying ribbons, or an incoming storm is a chance for her to tell us that she just knows we haven’t made a snow tire changeover appointment yet. (We have) Argh! What’s her motivation? Why would you want to try to prove that your grown children who you raised are doing a bad job?! |
Anonymous
| That has to be really hard. You said she has been like this for the past 20 years. What was she like before and do you remember when you first started noticing it? |
Anonymous
I think I first started noticing when I was living an independent adult life and realized that nothing I did was safe from comment. I’ve pulled way back and share very little with her because of that, but that just seems to make her stretch for material. |
Anonymous
| It’s anxiety. She’s struggling to regulate her inability to control everything. That’s what you’re hearing in these comments from her. It’s getting worse as she gets older. |
Anonymous
| My mom struggles with anxiety and control issues. I grey rock her and interactions have been so much better. |
Anonymous
| I think these folks nailed it with anxiety and control and my mother has become downright insane with this now that she is in her 80s. I agree with grey rock. I am ultra careful what I share because anything I say can and will be used against me at some point. I also will calmly set boundaries, which just enrages her, but if gives her fair warning before I calmly leave. The key is to be calm as you do or say anything because part of their need to control is knowing they can push your buttons and set off crazy. Never let em see you sweat! |
Anonymous
| I had a mom like this. Sympathies. She’s gone now, but I also had to keep her at arms length or gray rock. |
Anonymous
| What does gray rock mean? |
Anonymous
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Everyone has their quirks. Both my FIL (RIP) and dad act like they know more than everyone on every topic. I’m a civil engineer. Both have given me lectures on concrete. But then my FIL asked for my advice on concrete in another conversation! So l try not to let it bother me.
Try not to see it as criticism. As others have mentioned she probably has some anxiety. My 10 year old has started getting pissy at me for always reminding him to do everything - l see it in myself, l need to let go too, l don’t want to become your mom. So what if he forgets his jacket and gets wet, he’ll remember next time. (Letting go is hard) |
Anonymous
Google is your friend: https://www.healthline.com/health/grey-rock |
Anonymous
Per google: The grey rock method is where you deliberately act unresponsive or unengaged so that an abusive person will lose interest in you. Abusive people thrive on emotions and drama. When you act indifferent and don't show your emotions, they may lose interest and stop bothering you. This is known as “grey rocking. …….. I don’t necessarily think she’s being abusive, so don’t pull away without considering WHY she does this. |