Planning for the end

[Anonymous]

My parents are divorced and I’m an only child.

My father has been giving me copies of his documents (will, life insurance, etc) for decades, whereas I don’t know anything about my mother, who is 80, who lives across the country.

If she were to keel over tomorrow, I don’t know her SSN, I don’t know if she has a will, I don’t know where she banks, etc.

Is it okay for me to ask all for the above information? I have a demanding job and young children and it’s starting to weigh on me that if anything were to happen to her I’d be clueless on what to do.

[Anonymous]

Yes, start with an open ended question - and phrase it as wanting to implement her wishes.

[Anonymous]

Whatever you do, don't use your father's pre-planning (her ex-husband) as an example of "how to do it right." She may bristle at that.

[Anonymous]

Yes, very reasonable. I had this conversation with my father. I made it clear that I don’t need to know any deails now, but I do need him to have the information in a plac ewhere I can find it when I need it.

[Anonymous]

You can ask but keep in mind she may tell you MYOB and then you'll be starting from square one if she dies suddenly. BTDT.

[Anonymous]

I was able to ease my mom into the conversation by telling her a horror story of a friend who had to deal with those issues with no info but my mom is super organized and has been transparent after dealing with her brother and my dad’s estate. You may need to embellish a worst case scenario fabricated story as an example of how important that information is.

[Anonymous]

I think you should definitely ask, and PP have had great advice on ways to go about (and not go about) that.

Are you an only child?

Also, keep in mind that keeling over may be the best-case scenario. What if she has a stroke and is incapacitated? She needs to have you (or someone) have her durable power of attorney, healthcare proxy, etc. to be able to make decisions if she can't make them for herself.

[Anonymous]

Oh, sorry, I see you said you're an only child, so there's no one else to help you with this.

Are you able to visit her and have an in-person discussion about this? It might be hard to do (depending on your relationship) over the phone or over FaceTime and ensure it lands correctly (plus if you're there in person you could visit an attorney etc.).

[Anonymous]

Yes, you should start asking - and there are good ideas here.

Also, you don't have to ask exclusively in the context of death - you can ask so that if, heaven forbid, she became ill for some period of time, you want to be able to keep her cell phone bill paid, make sure she gets critical care, etc...

I'm a fan of the "hey, I heard about this nightmare scenario that happened to a friend and it made me think we should talk about this stuff" setup. Also, depending on your relationship w/ your mother, you can say this kind of planning is really a gift to you - it will eliminate some worry/stress for you - so she's doing you a favor in setting these things up.

Good luck OP, it's tough stuff when they're alive, tough while they're failing, and tough when they're gone. Good for you for trying to get a handle on things where possible.

[Anonymous]

I would start with spending more time with mother and developing more trust between you two.
Go visit, spend time at her house, maybe even snoop around a bit.

[Anonymous]

No snooping, just ask, “Do you have a will?” I understand it’s a difficult question, but you need the information.

[Anonymous]

You are completely within your responsibilities as her only daughter to ask. Do it soon. It's a difficult conversation - but much better to do it now when there isn't a crisis. You could even lead with a white lie - that you are working on your own plans for the future and thought you should know what her wishes were, who is her executor etc. Make the time to do it. Please.

[Anonymous]

Mom, am I listed as your next of kin in a health emergency?

If so...I need the following information ...

[Anonymous]

Yes, this is fine to ask.

[Anonymous]

Lots of good responses here, OP. However you decide to start the conversation with Mom, do it soon and be gentle but persistent. I'm also an only. My parents were not divorced but my mother outlived my father by 13 years and when she passed everything fell to me. It was pretty overwhelming and incredibly time consuming, even with all the key information and documents in hand.