Can i buy my mom a 'friend'?

[Anonymous]

My parents are in their late 70s/ early 80s. Dad is the older one. They live abroad, but are citizens and can live here. My mother has very severe anxiety and several physical issues, and has always eschewed friends and community. She requires the attention and assistance of my dad 24/7. Cannot be alone, but has no one but him who can deal. She is constantly at the doctor and in and out of the hospital. I am an only child (as is she) and I go when I can but it's extremely hard to juggle. My concern is that as and when my dad passes away, and she comes to live nearer (she will have to) I will be completely responsible for her and I cannot. I have a 7 and a 10 year, an absolutely bananas full time job (am primary breadwinner) and one of the kids has adhd and mild asd and needs a ton of attn. I dont mean to 'borrow trouble' but I must plan ahead. I cannot take her to 4 doctors appts a week, I cannot have dinner with her every night (I can't even have dinner every night!), I cannot spend every weekend taking her places (our weekends are back to back kids sports). I love my mom, and I want her to be happy, but I am terrified of what this will look like. Can I buy her a 'me'? What have others done in this scenario?

[Anonymous]

There are a number of elder care services that provide in home care, which could be anything from driving to appointments to 24 hour in home care. But honestly you may be better off looking into the assisted living options near you. Or will she live with you? Do you know what kind of financial arrangements she has for end of life care? Cost may be the biggest limiting factor.

[Anonymous]

Sure you can hire someone, not sure if she will go for it. I was a companion for a few elderly people when I was in college, I was in the nursing program & people would hire us to do what you are saying - drive to dr appts, run errands, hang out (like if they were living with their adult children who worked out of the house, but could not be left alone in the house).
So you definitely can, the question is, will she accept that, and can you/she afford it.

[Anonymous]

Yes. You can.
What you need is a higher-end companion care arrangement.
It sounds like she doesn’t need a caregiver (someone who helps with ADLs, Activities if Daily Living) but just a companion to run errands, take her to doctor appointments, go out to dinner, etc.
There are elder care companies that have care managers or client services managers or client care managers or elder services managers (just Google life care management or senior care)
It can be pricey ($130-175/hour) or if you go the companion care route it will be more like $35/hour but the person may not have anything in common with your mom. It will just depend how open your mom is to the idea.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There are a number of elder care services that provide in home care, which could be anything from driving to appointments to 24 hour in home care. But honestly you may be better off looking into the assisted living options near you. Or will she live with you? Do you know what kind of financial arrangements she has for end of life care? Cost may be the biggest limiting factor.

I strongly recommend assisted living and she needs an evaluation for anxiety meds. My mother was higher functioning than yours and is using an age in place service. it's a disaster. they tell the elder horror stories about residential places. (Mom could afford top of the line and we have relatives who are quite happy in residential). An aide cannot make sure she takes her anxiety meds and so she goes on and off. The mood swings have alienated friends and family. She is basically descending into madness and isolation with people paid to "yes maam" her. Paranoia is setting in. This was a social person and I truly think she would age backwards at least a little being surrounded by peers looking to make more friends. We saw it happen with inlaws.

Also, her loneliness made her quite controlling and abusive with me and when I step back she lashes out at others. It really turns into a downward cycle. I strongly suggest residential.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There are a number of elder care services that provide in home care, which could be anything from driving to appointments to 24 hour in home care. But honestly you may be better off looking into the assisted living options near you. Or will she live with you? Do you know what kind of financial arrangements she has for end of life care? Cost may be the biggest limiting factor.

I strongly recommend assisted living and she needs an evaluation for anxiety meds. My mother was higher functioning than yours and is using an age in place service. it's a disaster. they tell the elder horror stories about residential places. (Mom could afford top of the line and we have relatives who are quite happy in residential). An aide cannot make sure she takes her anxiety meds and so she goes on and off. The mood swings have alienated friends and family. She is basically descending into madness and isolation with people paid to "yes maam" her. Paranoia is setting in. This was a social person and I truly think she would age backwards at least a little being surrounded by peers looking to make more friends. We saw it happen with inlaws.

Also, her loneliness made her quite controlling and abusive with me and when I step back she lashes out at others. It really turns into a downward cycle. I strongly suggest residential.

+1
My parents were at a residential facility (my mom in memory care, my dad in independent living) a few years ago. My dad hired a private caregiver for my mom to have one-on-one attention, and that caregiver ended up convincing my dad to move out of the facility and into a private apartment where she would be my mom's sole caregiver. That lasted a couple years and was a disaster. My mom died last year and my dad (thankfully) moved into another residential, and he seems genuinely HAPPY. He is in the book club, a bridge club, and a committee to welcome new residents. Being able to meet new friends and participate in activities that keep his brain active (like the book club) is so much better than just sitting in an apartment alone with a hired caregiver.

[Anonymous]

I paid people to take my mom to lunch, shopping and hang out 5 x a week.

This was in addition to home healthcare that helped her shower and checked her meds.

[Anonymous]

I’m living the situation you’re planning for, with same age children and anxious parent who only wants me to do everything. It’s been a long road that nearly destroyed me. Today, we do Assisted living + hired elder care manager and I still handle a number of doctor appointments bc of cost. Do you or parent have money? It will cost $$$ but can be done w/o everything falling on you. I’m not going to sugar-coat though, even with all this hired help, you’ll still be stretched thin.

[Anonymous]

We hired caregivers. When they were coming out we told Mom a "friend" was coming out.

[Anonymous]

I'm 13:38 poster

Mom liked having her "friends" (caregivers) coming around.

One friend always watched "Say Yes to the Dress" on tv. Mom and friend would sit on the couch cuddled up together. IT was cute.

[Anonymous]

13:38 again

The "friends" would do grocery shopping with Mom and prepare meals. They also would go out to lunch.

[Anonymous]

13:38 again.

We are paying $29 per hour in rural Maryland.

[Anonymous]

If friends and community are not her thing, will she go for having a caregiver? In theory, a single person she gets to know and trust would be a solid choice but then again, a residential setting would ease a burden on you. You really need to talk to her about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If friends and community are not her thing, will she go for having a caregiver? In theory, a single person she gets to know and trust would be a solid choice but then again, a residential setting would ease a burden on you. You really need to talk to her about it.

+1. My mother is like this. The reason why AL would likely be pronlematic for my mom is the same reason a one-on-one caregiver would be. She is uncomfortable around others, which becomes nasty around others. Also, I'm the only one she finds acceptable (read: comfortable) being in her house.

Fortunately we're not quite at the point of having to make that choice, but it right around the corner.

OP, you already sound stressed. Explore options that would be easier on you.

[Anonymous]

Visiting Angels is designed for this. They are supposed to match your loved one to a companion they might like.