How to tell my father he needs to move out:

[Anonymous]

In March of 2020, my father moved into our home from a city around 2 hours away. Prior to this, we had given him a bit of money to help with rent or bills on a few occasions, but we were okay with that because we are comfortable financially and he wasnt begging for money or asking often.

Prior to 2020 he was working in restaurants. So obviously, when everything was shut down he found himself in a tough situation (at the time we didnt know what help would be coming) so we moved him in.

At first, it seemed like it was a great situation. Honestly, we enjoyed having him around. He got unemployment, and then the expanding unemployment and the stimulus, and did give us some rent money from those funds (we never really asked for rent money, we are financially comfortable and we wanted to help him out). He also seemed to be very motivated to get a job outside of the restaurant industry, he was applying for jobs constantly, getting interviews, etc. In spring of 2021 he got a job in a restaurant, making okay money. We had mixed feelings with this, but he said he still wanted to keep looking for a better more professional job, but was feeling very discouraged and felt like he needed to start doing something again and try to rebuild. He did also start paying some rent (nowhere near market rate, but we were fine with that).

But ever since then, we feel like he has stopped seriously looking for a job and we have started to argue a lot more, primarily over this. He still says he is looking for a job, but he very clearly isnt taking it seriously or putting in the effort. He has no showed to interviews (always with an excuse) and has been getting more and more anxious when we ask about the job search. A few weekends ago he actually got an interview for an entry level position in the field he has repeatedly said is his goal, but it was in person in Virginia Beach. He went back and forth with their HR, and we offered to let him borrow our car and buy him a hotel room so he could go down there and attend the interview), but he ultimately declined the interview because he didnt think it was fair that the company wouldn't let him interview over zoom (the job would be in person, as are most of the jobs in this field, which he was fine with). This ended in a huge fight because we felt that him turning down this interview just showed that he wasn't serious about looking for other work, especiall;y because this interview was set up based specifically off of a recommendation by a close family friend who consults with the company.

Whenever these arguments come up, he always comes back with the fact that he isn't the only person in this situation and he is trying his best but wont just take a job to get out of our house, if the company wont even consider a virtual interview he doesn't see why he should be expected to shift around his schedule and drop everything for a trip down there.

For us, we would have no problem if he loved working in restaurants and serving tables. My uncle is a career server, bartender, and chef who has built a wonderful career in - and around - restaurants, so we know that some people are driven to work with food and in hospitality, and that is great. But my father will say in one breath that he hates his job and needs to find other opportunities, and then turn around and in another breath announce he is turning down an opportunity because he doesnt feel like it would go anywhere.

We are fed up, and we feel like, honestly, he is using us and our finances to just coast through life. We dont want to make it a huge argument, but we do want him to move out. He makes enough money to rent a room in a shared group house, and I personally think right now that him living with us is not doing abody any favors - it is just allowing him to postpone and tread water. We will still always be there to help and support him - when needed - but we do need advice from adult children who may have gone through this about how to 'kick him out'?

[Anonymous]

How old is he?

[Anonymous]

I think you just have to tell him this was never supposed to be permanent. And now it's time he moves out and lives on his own. Many people will take the path that is easiest if they can. Staying with you is easy. You are his retirement plan.

[Anonymous]

Kick him out if you must but you’re the one that is likely contributing to the tension. You need to stop treating him like a child regarding the job situation.

[Anonymous]

He is probably tired of all the rejection. How old is he?

[Anonymous]

His age makes a difference. You might need to face reality that he needs to live with you. If that’s not possible then you might have to help him find a new place and assist financially and eventually physically. I’d consider if him moving out would cause more headaches before deciding to kick him out.

[Anonymous]

How old are your children!

[Anonymous]

Give him a time table for moving out, i.e. 30 days or 45 days or 60 or 90 days whatever you feel is reasonable.

Come up with a script when you tell him. Don't talk too much during the conversation. Perhaps a DCUM reader can help with a script.

There is no reason he could not have driven to Virginia Beach for a fact to face interview particularly since he wants to break out of the restaurant industry. In some industries a face to face interview is the norm. I'd be irritated by this too, OP particularly since a family friend went out on a limb to get him an interview.

[Anonymous]

Money aside, do you like having him around? Is he helpful around the house? Is he nice?
You said you were financially comfortable - why would you even accept rent from him? My understanding is that he pays his own way except rent.
I am a foreigner so maybe I just don’t understand the American way of treating family like strangers even when they are nice people. I would understand you not wanting to have him there if the house was too small or if he was unpleasant but it doesn’t seem to be the case?

[Anonymous]

1. It's extremely difficult to get a job at his age, and with the profile he probably has. I'm assuming, OP, that he may have undiagnosed mental health disorders and/or is starting to cognitively decline. He will never get the job you think he should have.

2. Which puts you in a difficult position regarding his stay in your house. What are his senior housing options? A group home with younger people might not work out long-term.

[Anonymous]

^

3. Please don't charge him rent. Either you let him live with you, or you don't, and look for a situation more appropriate for his age and functioning.

[Anonymous]

You are way too involved in his job search and life plans. You are talking about him as if he is your child, not your parent. If you don’t want him to live with you anymore, tell him that he needs to move out. He can get an apartment or whatever he can afford based on his current job, or get a better job if he wants a better place.

Or if you are happy with him living with you, just drop it about the job! Who cares about what job he has?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^

3. Please don't charge him rent. Either you let him live with you, or you don't, and look for a situation more appropriate for his age and functioning.

NP and I disagree with not charging rent. Absent someone experiencing particular hardship (i.e. all restaurants shutting down with COVID) people start to base their budget off of not having to pay rent which means they will never leave.

[Anonymous]

What about a job at local grocery store or Home Depot/ Lowes?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are way too involved in his job search and life plans. You are talking about him as if he is your child, not your parent. If you don’t want him to live with you anymore, tell him that he needs to move out. He can get an apartment or whatever he can afford based on his current job, or get a better job if he wants a better place.

Or if you are happy with him living with you, just drop it about the job! Who cares about what job he has?

Agreed. Also, he feels defeated and humiliated, dont pile up on him with this condescending child like treatment. Make up your mind, and make your expectations clear.