Vent about my cruel immature mother

[Anonymous]

My mother has been cruel to me since I was in elementary school and critical about my appearance, behavior, etc.

I have extremely firm boundaries around my interactions with her, but agreed to a very brief FaceTime session because she was hosting a relative who I rarely see. While the call was connecting, my mom “didn’t realize” I could hear them yet and listed everything bad about my appearance to this relative by saying things like “it’s really obvious, but don’t say anything about how bad her hair or her face looks now” and went on from there before it was obvious that we were connected.

My hair and face are normal and look like that of a 40-something woman who is happy to live 2000 healthy miles away from her mother. My mom giggled in a tee-hee, aren’t we chummy way to the visiting relative. I said to my mom and the relative that I could hear them and my mom acted like a mean tween getting caught by an adult.

I’m seething with how my mom can still make me feel like an unwanted child and how she manipulates relatives into going along with her behavior. It’s insane to me that I’ve grown up and my mom is still the same unevolved parent she was 30 years ago.

I’m a mom. I don’t understand how a mom could ever be amused by being unkind to their own child. What did I do wrong to be treated like this?

[Anonymous]

You did nothing wrong. Your mom is emotionally stunted. My mom is this way too. I'm really sorry - it sucks.

[Anonymous]

You don’t deserve this treatment. Your mom is broken. The problem is her. You’re deserving of a mother’s, love, affection, pride, etc. She is failing you.

My bff’s mother is like this. She’s super critical of bff, always tells her she’s doing everything wrong, never has anything nice to say. BFF is smart, funny, kind, a hard worker, really devoted to her family, generous with her time and talents. Everyone else who knows her thinks very highly of bff, but her own mother never has a kind word for her. It’s dumbfounding and infuriating. Fortunately, it’s not a cycle; bff is an awesome mom, thank goodness.

[Anonymous]

What did the relative say? Did the relative feel bad?

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry OP.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry you have this in your life.

Why are you still in contact with her? If she brings nothing positive into your life, cut her off.

[Anonymous]

all communication should be cut

[Anonymous]

I’m so sorry, OP.

[Anonymous]

OP I am so sorry. My mom has become nastier with age and informed me she has shared with every relative and all her friends what a horrible person I am. Most of her friends have distanced from her and the relatives still alive who talk to her are either senile or trying to get financial handouts from her so she can have at it. It's so very sad that some people get a serotonin boost or a dopamine hit from being mean-spirited. If that relative has any sense of decency she is disgusted with your mother and will distance herself. I would be done with face time with mom after that.

[Anonymous]

This is exactly why my mother is 100% cut off - she would do something like this. Several people have actually asked me recently whether it’s necessary. Why yes it is, because I have no space in my life for someone who would treat me in such a way. I’m sorry this happened to you, OP. Take care of yourself.

[Anonymous]

Sorry OP. It is all her and not you. My MIL is exactly like this and I know that is a lot less painful than having someone like this as your own mother. Avoid her and cut her out of your life. You do not want her doing this your kids.

[Anonymous]

Sorry, OP. She has some kind of mental illness. Just cut her out of your life. She is toxic. Pull out the thorn.

[Anonymous]

Hey hey another member of the crappy mom club checking in! Block her!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry you have this in your life.

Why are you still in contact with her? If she brings nothing positive into your life, cut her off.

This is my question. I don’t understand why you would keep her in your life? Seems like you truly had boundaries then you wouldn’t have stayed on the line after telling her you heard her?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry you have this in your life.

Why are you still in contact with her? If she brings nothing positive into your life, cut her off.

This is my question. I don’t understand why you would keep her in your life? Seems like you truly had boundaries then you wouldn’t have stayed on the line after telling her you heard her?

My dad is long dead and my only living relative under 60 lives even further away than me. I feel guilt and shame as well as an obligation to maintain a minimum amount of contact because I am stuck with power of attorney and some other legal stuff for my mother. I’ll be the one the social worker calls one day.

I know the drumbeat on this board is in favor of cutting people off completely, but it’s much more difficult in reality than angry blogs and self-help books would suggest.