Can divorce decree mandate ex taking medication?

[Anonymous]

I am about to start divorce proceedings from my longtime (20 years) spouse. We have one teenage DC in 9th grade and will likely be sharing custody about 75/25 (me/STBX). STBX has bipolar disorder and when he takes medication is stable and great with our son and DS has a good time with him. But when he doesn't take medication, which is on and off every few months, he's unpredictable, paranoid, impulsive and difficult to deal with, and DS hates to be around him in those moments.

His bipolar disorder is well documented in his medical history with his doctors. Can the divorce decree mandate that he take his medication to be able to have any custody? I will discuss with my lawyer but wanted to hear what others have to say as I've heard mixed things about this. Thanks.

[Anonymous]

I don't really see the point of fighting over this. How would you enforce it? He's got every reason in the world to take his meds and he doesn't. Why would one more reason make a difference?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't really see the point of fighting over this. How would you enforce it? He's got every reason in the world to take his meds and he doesn't. Why would one more reason make a difference?

+1

You can put a lot in an agreement that is ultimately not enforceable.

[Anonymous]

Person with bipolar disorder here. There is no way for anyone to know whether or not he is taking them, let alone force him to take them. He can pick up his meds regularly from the pharmacy, and not take them. He can also take them religiously, and have an episode anyway.

Courts aren't big on orders that can't be monitored or enforced. And I'm not sure the court can even consider forcing someone to take medication unless unless they are incapable of making an informed decision on their own behalf.

So, yeah. That's probably a no-go. But your kid is grown enough that he can call you and leave if there are problems, right?

[Anonymous]

Not enforceable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Person with bipolar disorder here. There is no way for anyone to know whether or not he is taking them, let alone force him to take them. He can pick up his meds regularly from the pharmacy, and not take them. He can also take them religiously, and have an episode anyway.

Courts aren't big on orders that can't be monitored or enforced. And I'm not sure the court can even consider forcing someone to take medication unless unless they are incapable of making an informed decision on their own behalf.

So, yeah. That's probably a no-go. But your kid is grown enough that he can call you and leave if there are problems, right?

OP here. Thanks for the responses. I can see that it's hard to enforce. Yes kid can call me if there are problems but I wanted to avoid putting him in that situation every few months. The meds make him much more stable and reliable. When we are in the same house, I'm a buffer with his moods but when we are in separate houses, it will put my kid in the position of having to call if his dad is unstable. How do other parents in this situation deal with this? He's a great dad when stable, I don't want to take away his access to his son by want kid to be in a stable situation. (staying married is not an option for a bunch of reasons)

[Anonymous]

Supervised visitation is how some people do this, but he would have to agree to it, or the judge would have to impose it. And you would still have an enforcement problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Person with bipolar disorder here. There is no way for anyone to know whether or not he is taking them, let alone force him to take them. He can pick up his meds regularly from the pharmacy, and not take them. He can also take them religiously, and have an episode anyway.

Courts aren't big on orders that can't be monitored or enforced. And I'm not sure the court can even consider forcing someone to take medication unless unless they are incapable of making an informed decision on their own behalf.

So, yeah. That's probably a no-go. But your kid is grown enough that he can call you and leave if there are problems, right?

OP here. Thanks for the responses. I can see that it's hard to enforce. Yes kid can call me if there are problems but I wanted to avoid putting him in that situation every few months. The meds make him much more stable and reliable. When we are in the same house, I'm a buffer with his moods but when we are in separate houses, it will put my kid in the position of having to call if his dad is unstable. How do other parents in this situation deal with this? He's a great dad when stable, I don't want to take away his access to his son by want kid to be in a stable situation. (staying married is not an option for a bunch of reasons)

This would be a great topic to talk through with a family therapist. Your kid needs strategies.

[Anonymous]

My husband has other mental health issues, not bipolar, but they lead to angry outbursts and episodes of cruel behavior that I want to buffer. Which is why I haven't divorced, because he looks great on paper, his condition cannot be medicated, and neither I nor my kids want him to be alone with them.

Good luck, OP. Hopefully if his kid makes it clear that he doesn't want to be around him when he's unmedicated, it might have an effect?

[Anonymous]

Not enforceable

[Anonymous]

TBH, OP you wouldn't want a decree to mandate taking meds. A person with bipolar can be on a good medication and it might unexpectedly stop working or there needs to be a change.

OP, I really suggest that you take NAMI's Family to Family class. You might also see if your kid is old enough to take it or if tbere is a support group for teens w/ parents w/ me tal illness.

I divorced my ex because he wouldn't go to therapy, see a psychiatrist and take meds as prescribed. I have no control over him, bug he has no control over us. I have found that the best thing is to be very flexible and plan to do everything myself and be pleasantly surprised when he shows up.

He in turn sort of knows when he is not capable, and because I don't criticize, he will often stay for less time than he has or call and cancel when he is not feeling well. That's hard on the kids, but there's no benefit to fighting to try to do what he is not well enough to do.

[Anonymous]

"I wanted to avoid putting him in that situation every few months"

This may be a valid concern for a young minor child, but within a very few short years your DC will be old enough to navigate his relationship with his father and his illness. He is in 9th grade so he can comprehend the challenges.

You don't want to intentionally or unintentionally set up a situation where you support your son becoming estranged from his father, who he often does have "great" and "good times" with. This will backfire on you.

Remember that most teens have periods where they "hate" being around a parent, even ones they love deeply and who do not have mental illness.

[Anonymous]

^ The fact that you KNOW your STBX can go off his meds, and the fact that you are thinking about using that as a means to prevent him "be[ing] able to have ANY custody" is telling.

I emphasized the ANY because it sounds like you are seeking any means necessary to gain full custody.

Have you read about parental alienation syndrome and the damage it causes children? I suggest you do.

[Anonymous]

Our agreement specifies that my kids Dad needs to be in treatment and provide evidence in order to see the kids, and then it is both time limited and supervised.

But he has had multiple findings of abuse against him and multiple involuntary hospital admissions because of being found to be a danger to others and specifically to me and the kids.

I can’t imagine we would have gotten that provision without substantial documentation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^ The fact that you KNOW your STBX can go off his meds, and the fact that you are thinking about using that as a means to prevent him "be[ing] able to have ANY custody" is telling.

I emphasized the ANY because it sounds like you are seeking any means necessary to gain full custody.

Have you read about parental alienation syndrome and the damage it causes children? I suggest you do.

You are really out of line. I am bot OP, but I am a PP with an ex spouse that has bipolar. I have full custody, but I am able to foster a good relationship with their Dad precisely because I do have full custody and I can provide for their needs and as such they rarely experience his negligence.