Sibling rivalry between siblings in their 50s and 60s

[Anonymous]

Is this a thing?

I see it in my husband's family.

DH is 64, his sisters are 57 and 51.
They all seem to compete against each other for MIL's approval and affection. MIL is in her 90s.

It goes beyond the 'normal' things that loving children would do for their parent. Telling each other how much they do for her and posting pictures on the family group chat. Who bought her the best present and who made the best cake, etc. It always feels like a competition.

My mom had 4 siblings (3 boys, 2 girls). They never appeared to outwardly compete with one another for their parents' approval, from what my mom told me. Admittedly this was a different generation. They grew up in the 1950s an 60s.

Same in my dad's family (1 girl and my dad, being the baby of the family).

[Anonymous]

My brother does this. He just wants the inheritance. It’s embarrassing. He is sixty years old.

[Anonymous]

Some people are stunted emotionally.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My brother does this. He just wants the inheritance. It’s embarrassing. He is sixty years old.

Would your parents give it to just one child? Wierd. My parents have always played favorites with my brother, who really plays this up. However, on the same note they have ALWAYS told us our inheritance would be split equally and I believe them.

[Anonymous]

I doubt this is something new with them. It probably started in childhood competing for "Mom's" attention. I would also guess that with your dh that much older than the oldest sister, he probably wasn't too happy to suddenly no longer be an only child.

Most patterns started in childhood frequently remain for a lifetime.

[Anonymous]

The damages from childhood have a long tail into adulthood. Whether intentional done or not, something about their childhood fostered this rivalry and they never outgrew it.

I think the only way out is to simply stop taking part in it, but it’s probably too deep in their dna for any of them to break out of it now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I doubt this is something new with them. It probably started in childhood competing for "Mom's" attention. I would also guess that with your dh that much older than the oldest sister, he probably wasn't too happy to suddenly no longer be an only child.

Most patterns started in childhood frequently remain for a lifetime.

My DH is the least competitive of the 3 children. It's mainly the sisters posting on the family group chat. With pictures.

DH sometimes feels a bit guilty and thinks that he's not doing enough for his mother.

[Anonymous]

the family group chat

This is the problem

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My brother does this. He just wants the inheritance. It’s embarrassing. He is sixty years old.

This is OP.

I find it embarrassing too. These are all mature, educated adults.

It's wonderful that they care about MIL so much, and it's great that they buy her nice gifts and make fancy cakes, but why all this posting with pictures and then expecting gushing replies (this is mainly my husband's sisters).

If you're going to give a gift or make a cake then just do it, without turning the whole thing into an advertising campaign.

Maybe it's partly the fault of social media. Previous generations didn't have access to it because it didn't exist.

[Anonymous]

People who lack humility are focused on getting good PR. Make sure everything they do looks good, looks better than others. They have to have more to post about ... the cycle continues.

[Anonymous]

I’m one of seven and there is no sibling rivalry and we are all in our 60’s and 70’s. Yes, there was when we were kids but not now. We’ve all done well and we are just happy to be healthy and enjoying life. Our parents are deceased and no one tried to influence their estate planning.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:People who lack humility are focused on getting good PR. Make sure everything they do looks good, looks better than others. They have to have more to post about ... the cycle continues.

This.

Such behaviour by middle aged adults - even if they're well educated, even if they're wealthy and successful - is usually a sign of family dysfunction or a deep rooted insecurity or dissatisfaction with their lives.

[Anonymous]

No we aren’t like that in my family. But if one sibling is celebrating the holidays or a birthday with our parent they will post a picture of the celebration for other family members to see. Luckily none of us take those pictures as our sibling’s attempt to brag about how much they are doing. It’s more about this is OUR mom and this is the way she is celebrating Christmas, Thanksgiving, Mothers Day, her birthday, etc THIS year.

[Anonymous]

How was the relationship between your husband, his siblings and their father? Were they close?

[Anonymous]

My 55 year old sister is still traumatized by “mom loves you more than me” …….. she will never, ever get over it.