Smoothing relationships between tweens/teens and their grandparents

[Anonymous]

We have one grandparent who lives close and one set of grandparents that lives on the other side of the country. Ironically the faraway grandparents are the more interested in the kids/needy (depending on how you look at it). They just came for a two week visit and everybody ended the visit a little dissatisfied. Our kids felt smothered and like they disappointed their grandparents and the grandparents felt let down that the kids didn’t want to spend every moment with them or fully engaged with them whenever they’re around.

How do we adjust expectations on both ends to make the next visit more satisfying. I empathize with both groups. Our kids are busy and value their bits of downtime and their grandparents chose to visit at a busy time—soccer playoffs, school is really getting into the swing of things with more homework, activities, etc… Grandparents only see the kids in person about 3-4x a year and they want the kids with them whenever they aren’t at school or in a scheduled activity.

[Anonymous]

This is a relationship between them. This is on them. These are older children. The Grandparents are functional adults. They will have -some- kind of relationship. They learn to communicate with each other as individuals.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like a lot of missed expectations. Some things to consider:

1. Is a two-week visit too long?
2. Is a visit during the school year the wrong time?
3. Can you discuss/strategize/plan with your kids about how to handle the visit before the GPs arrive?
4. Can you discuss/strategize/plan with the GPs about an agenda for the visit ahead of the visit?
5. Would it be better to meet at a vacation place with activities for everyone?

You can't build relationships for other people, OP, but you can create an environment for relationships to develop. Allsaid, though, it's hard to build bonds when you see each other afew times a year.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We have one grandparent who lives close and one set of grandparents that lives on the other side of the country. Ironically the faraway grandparents are the more interested in the kids/needy (depending on how you look at it). They just came for a two week visit and everybody ended the visit a little dissatisfied. Our kids felt smothered and like they disappointed their grandparents and the grandparents felt let down that the kids didn’t want to spend every moment with them or fully engaged with them whenever they’re around.

How do we adjust expectations on both ends to make the next visit more satisfying. I empathize with both groups. Our kids are busy and value their bits of downtime and their grandparents chose to visit at a busy time—soccer playoffs, school is really getting into the swing of things with more homework, activities, etc… Grandparents only see the kids in person about 3-4x a year and they want the kids with them whenever they aren’t at school or in a scheduled activity.

That seems unreasonable of the grandparents. They should consult with you/grandkids on which time of year the grandkids have more time to be free to visit with them.

[Anonymous]

These Grandparents, they were parents once. They know how things are, how it is to raise teenagers. How it is to be a teen. Don't let them push your buttons. Maybe get use to saying something casual, "I guess you better bring a book." For when the kids aren't around. And joke, "this is just how our life is ..." Older people probably express their emotional needs/thoughts more often.But that doesn't mean you can meet those expectations. Or should, too much, if it disrupts your own family life.

All the adults need to not-go-so-deep. Draw back on the emotional stuff.

[Anonymous]

Older kids/teens barely want to be around their parents!

They sure don't want to be around their Grandparents (too much). It's not about love. They love their Grandparents.