If your sibling doesn’t help with parents, how’s your relationship?

[Anonymous]

If you have a parent who is in the midst of declining health/ has dementia, etc. and you have a sibling who isn’t helping out, how is your relationship with that sibling? I have a sibling who has done nothing except they call the parent once a week or every other week. They don’t visit or help out in any way even though they live an hour plane ride away and have the finances to pay for flights.

After 5 years of keeping up a cordial relationship with sibling through phone calls I am be just so resentful and now I can’t stand this sibling. If I never see or talk to this sibling ever again I wouldn’t care. It’s a shame the stress of elder care has ruined this family relationship. Curious how others are dealing with siblings who don’t do anything?

[Anonymous]

Yep. Same story. It’s especially fun when they text me “you gotta do xyz for dad he can’t manage it on his own” when I’ve been doing that daily.

[Anonymous]

Same here. I've done 5 years of care. I send my sister monthly or bi monthly updates. She has visited twice in 5 years even though she has plenty of money.

I'm over it.

[Anonymous]

It wasn't a big deal until she started giving orders, minimzing all I was doing and as mom lost it and became paranoid she used it for financial gain and to make mom suspicious of me. Then I was done. We were never close and she had a history of backstabbing, but I didn't realize she could take it to this level. I did make sure mom has someone to manage her care since she now doesn't trust me. my sister never had plans of doing anything to help though I would be surprised if she moved here to try to get even more handouts.

[Anonymous]

Mine lives on the west coast so he really can’t help much. But he is on standby if I need to go out of town, and he will call more frequently if I request it. Every so often he has some goofball idea that’s more harmful than helpful, or he’ll try to micromanage the issues from afar, but I give him a pass because he isn’t geographically close so realistically there’s not much he can do. We are close but we’re different people. He visits maybe once every year or two.

[Anonymous]

Op, are you doing much, much more than someone might think is necessary? Is the elder in assisted living/dementia care full-time already?

[Anonymous]

I have two siblings. One lives about 40 miles away and the other 800. The one who lives 800 miles away was far more helpful than the one closer by. I don't resent 40-mile sibling, but we are not close. I don't have time for the drama.

When dad died, his will gave me 50%, 800-mile sibling 35%, and 40-mile sibling 15%. I had no idea. So what goes around comes around.

[Anonymous]

OP- have you told the sibling you'd appreciate more visits or more support? Or are you suffering silently?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you have a parent who is in the midst of declining health/ has dementia, etc. and you have a sibling who isn’t helping out, how is your relationship with that sibling? I have a sibling who has done nothing except they call the parent once a week or every other week. They don’t visit or help out in any way even though they live an hour plane ride away and have the finances to pay for flights.

After 5 years of keeping up a cordial relationship with sibling through phone calls I am be just so resentful and now I can’t stand this sibling. If I never see or talk to this sibling ever again I wouldn’t care. It’s a shame the stress of elder care has ruined this family relationship. Curious how others are dealing with siblings who don’t do anything?

I'm one of those siblings who doesn't do enough for mum, my younger brother and his physician wife moved her in their guest suit and he does so much for her, including declining promotions and pay raise so he can work from home and keep an eye on her. He and his wife are most gracious to me and other siblings who are long distance and don't do even 1/10 of what they do. I guess some people just have bigger hearts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP- have you told the sibling you'd appreciate more visits or more support? Or are you suffering silently?

Yes. I have begged him to visit because I have to hear my mother cry that she hasn’t seen him or her two grandkids in 5 years. He could easily take a 7 am flight here, gets in at 8, go through airport and be where his mother lives latest by 9. Take her to brunch, hang out and take flight back at 3. He would be home by 5 at the latest. I really don’t think that is too much to do every year.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP- have you told the sibling you'd appreciate more visits or more support? Or are you suffering silently?

Yes. I have begged him to visit because I have to hear my mother cry that she hasn’t seen him or her two grandkids in 5 years. He could easily take a 7 am flight here, gets in at 8, go through airport and be where his mother lives latest by 9. Take her to brunch, hang out and take flight back at 3. He would be home by 5 at the latest. I really don’t think that is too much to do every year.

Is it possible that their parent-child relationship wasn't very good and he doesn't say it but also doesn't feel a strong bond with her?

Is it possible there are medical, financial or marital issues which he doesn't want to share with y'all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP- have you told the sibling you'd appreciate more visits or more support? Or are you suffering silently?

Yes. I have begged him to visit because I have to hear my mother cry that she hasn’t seen him or her two grandkids in 5 years. He could easily take a 7 am flight here, gets in at 8, go through airport and be where his mother lives latest by 9. Take her to brunch, hang out and take flight back at 3. He would be home by 5 at the latest. I really don’t think that is too much to do every year.

Is it possible that their parent-child relationship wasn't very good and he doesn't say it but also doesn't feel a strong bond with her?

Is it possible there are medical, financial or marital issues which he doesn't want to share with y'all.

That’s not what this post is about. Plenty of people have sucky relationships with their parents and unfortunately one kid often gets sucked into taking care of their parent. Plenty of of people have financial difficulties yet such it up and see their parent once a year if a sibling is doing all the heavy lifting. At this point I have come to the realization he is just a selfish horrid person.

This post isn’t for coming up with excuses for the absent sibling. I am interested in knowing if you are the sibling who is doing everything of you still maintain a relationship with absent sibling.

[Anonymous]

Yes we still have a relationship. However, as time goes on and he is always "unavailable" to help out and all the pressure is on me, it is getting harder to not be resentful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes we still have a relationship. However, as time goes on and he is always "unavailable" to help out and all the pressure is on me, it is getting harder to not be resentful.

how does the unavailable manifest?

[Anonymous]

I’m on the other side of this as the sibling who doesn’t help at all. My sibs know it’s because I have a terrible relationship with him and can’tnspare the money. I frankly don’t think my dad deserves any support, so I feel zero moral responsibility about how my sibs help him and not me.