If you had messed up your life, how did you get it turned around?

[Anonymous]

I'm going to start by saying that I had some objectively challenging things working against me when I was younger, but I was lucky and had enough things working for me that I received a great education. Some combination of bad luck and not having worked through those challenges enough led to a bad marriage, children who have no doubt suffered from my struggles, a lack of friends and poor career advancement.

I only rarely recognize myself these days and often feel quite badly about how I squandered opportunities.

I've tried the basics (sleep, exercise, good food, therapy, volunteering) hoping that will start some type of virtuous cycle, but it has yet to materialize over the past decade, though there are times when it serves me better than others. I do cut myself a break in light of all the ups and downs of perimenopause.

Not looking to have some heady career success but rather to find my way back to myself, come to terms with things I've done that I regret, and feel proud of how I've lived overall.

Please share tips or words of encouragement.

[Anonymous]

So sorry that you went through these struggles. I hope someone responds with some helpful advice. Do you think your therapist is good? Isn’t he/she helping you?

[Anonymous]

Can you reach out to estranged friends and family? Rebuilding those connections went a long way with righting wrongs

[Anonymous]

I messed up by quitting a job because it was moving out of the city I lived in and I didn't want the big commute to the suburbs where I would feel stranded without a car. I did not have another job lined up and foolishly thought it'd be easy to get a new one. Readers, I was incorrect. Cue almost three years of being out of work, blowing through all my savings, being on food stamps, etc. I took so many temp jobs that never panned out. Ultimately accepted the first job I was offered working for a very weird man who turned out to be an actual, literal psychopath. Wound up having to move into a shit-hole apartment I live in to this day, where they claim to check references but don't actually, people OD and die in the hallways, etc. Between feeling unsafe at work and home, I wound up with hives for years.

Then the psychopath decided to merge his own company with a bigger one, and chose to not take me with him, and the cycle of blowing through my (now much more meager) savings and winding up on EBT card happened again. I nearly went crazy. I literally had to apply to an organization that helps people of my minority, and they paid my rent for two months and let me use their food pantry. My brother gave me $5,000 after he and his (pregnant with their first child) wife took me out to breakfast and I burst into tears at the booth over the idea of ordering $12 eggs when what I needed in life was toothpaste.

I eventually got a job at a very nice company, am still there almost 8 years later, and yes, paid back my brother even though he said I didn't have to. I have built up four years of savings. Still in the same shitty apartment, but they rent to higher quality people now who generally just vape and smoke weed so way fewer OD's.

This isn't a "prince marries me and I move into his castle and never work another day in my life" ending, but it's a realistic one. I'll never be able to buy a home, and will never retire. But I have a job.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I messed up by quitting a job because it was moving out of the city I lived in and I didn't want the big commute to the suburbs where I would feel stranded without a car. I did not have another job lined up and foolishly thought it'd be easy to get a new one. Readers, I was incorrect. Cue almost three years of being out of work, blowing through all my savings, being on food stamps, etc. I took so many temp jobs that never panned out. Ultimately accepted the first job I was offered working for a very weird man who turned out to be an actual, literal psychopath. Wound up having to move into a shit-hole apartment I live in to this day, where they claim to check references but don't actually, people OD and die in the hallways, etc. Between feeling unsafe at work and home, I wound up with hives for years.

Then the psychopath decided to merge his own company with a bigger one, and chose to not take me with him, and the cycle of blowing through my (now much more meager) savings and winding up on EBT card happened again. I nearly went crazy. I literally had to apply to an organization that helps people of my minority, and they paid my rent for two months and let me use their food pantry. My brother gave me $5,000 after he and his (pregnant with their first child) wife took me out to breakfast and I burst into tears at the booth over the idea of ordering $12 eggs when what I needed in life was toothpaste.

I eventually got a job at a very nice company, am still there almost 8 years later, and yes, paid back my brother even though he said I didn't have to. I have built up four years of savings. Still in the same shitty apartment, but they rent to higher quality people now who generally just vape and smoke weed so way fewer OD's.

This isn't a "prince marries me and I move into his castle and never work another day in my life" ending, but it's a realistic one. I'll never be able to buy a home, and will never retire. But I have a job.

Wow, PP. So sorry you went through all that. Your post gives me hope (NP).

[Anonymous]

OP, from what you write, it seems like you have persevered through quite a lot of hardship. You must be a very strong and brave person to keep on working to get that next job and improve your situation. Four years of savings is quite a lot!

Would you consider the idea of forgiving yourself for making the honest mistake of leaving that job so long ago? How could you have known it would be so hard to get another one? Instead of thinking "I messed up" think "wow, I survived!"

It seems to me that using some of that savings to upgrade your apartment might really lift your spirits and feel like a fresh start. It's a long road to processing past trauma so you can focus on the good stuff, but it will be well worth the trouble. Hopefully you can start to see yourself as a hard-worker who did whatever she could to get herself into a better situation. And hopefully that will help you build some confidence and see your life more positively.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I messed up by quitting a job because it was moving out of the city I lived in and I didn't want the big commute to the suburbs where I would feel stranded without a car. I did not have another job lined up and foolishly thought it'd be easy to get a new one. Readers, I was incorrect. Cue almost three years of being out of work, blowing through all my savings, being on food stamps, etc. I took so many temp jobs that never panned out. Ultimately accepted the first job I was offered working for a very weird man who turned out to be an actual, literal psychopath. Wound up having to move into a shit-hole apartment I live in to this day, where they claim to check references but don't actually, people OD and die in the hallways, etc. Between feeling unsafe at work and home, I wound up with hives for years.

Then the psychopath decided to merge his own company with a bigger one, and chose to not take me with him, and the cycle of blowing through my (now much more meager) savings and winding up on EBT card happened again. I nearly went crazy. I literally had to apply to an organization that helps people of my minority, and they paid my rent for two months and let me use their food pantry. My brother gave me $5,000 after he and his (pregnant with their first child) wife took me out to breakfast and I burst into tears at the booth over the idea of ordering $12 eggs when what I needed in life was toothpaste.

I eventually got a job at a very nice company, am still there almost 8 years later, and yes, paid back my brother even though he said I didn't have to. I have built up four years of savings. Still in the same shitty apartment, but they rent to higher quality people now who generally just vape and smoke weed so way fewer OD's.

This isn't a "prince marries me and I move into his castle and never work another day in my life" ending, but it's a realistic one. I'll never be able to buy a home, and will never retire. But I have a job.

NP —thanks for your encoraging story. I’m so happy you hung in there and things worked out for you. Hoping the same for myself as well, it’s been a very very rocky road.

[Anonymous]

OP, I can relate to your situation a lot. Lots of struggles in life, a bad marriage, no friends, and I just struggle a lot. I've done a lot of therapy and it has helped, but I still struggle.

I am sorry you have dealt with so much, and wish you well in changing direction.

[Anonymous]

Not that it makes it easier OP, but most people struggle a lot more than it looks