How do you handle witnessing a man be “mildly sexist” to his wife?

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10/15/2023 18:24

Subject: How do you handle witnessing a man be “mildly sexist” to his wife?

quote

Anonymous

You’re with a hetero couple and the man makes a comment or acts out in a seemingly minor way. Examples:

• he “bought his wife” a new washer and dryer recently
• he doesn’t like his wife’s book collection and is working to find a place to hide the books so they won’t be so unsightly
• his wife has expressed concern that one of them needs to drive home and he is still drinking even though she already is too intoxicated to drive and he promised to be the DD. He dismisses her concerns. (This is in reality probably not an actual safety issue but more about him ignoring her feelings)

Witnessed all three of these recently and am never sure what’s the most effective way to be of assistance to the woman in question, especially since she is invariably a cool girl who does NOT want to be seen as some kind of stick-in-the-mud feminist.

So far I:

• don’t laugh. These comments are always framed as “jokes” and as I am usually the most “outsider” person there and female, I feel like a laugh from me is extra valuable. Especially since I laugh at literally everything.
• usually give a very neutral, bored, or even mildly disgusted expression

in the last case I did discreetly offer the wife a ride home because I wasn’t sure how concerned she was. But I mostly did it to validate her feelings. I always try to validate the woman if she even pushes back at all even slightly.

However if the wife is playing along and trying to be cool I don’t usually interject because in my experience women hate that. Having been there myself in the past I get it. As Bancroft says, she’s already used to other people making decisions for her and treating her like she’s stupid. So I don’t want to do that.

What do you do?

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10/15/2023 18:34

Subject: How do you handle witnessing a man be “mildly sexist” to his wife?

quote

Anonymous

I invite the woman out separately from her spouse, assuming I want to spend time with her at all. That way I don't have to deal with him, and she is free to complain if she wants.

But I do not interject myself in their marriage. MYOB.

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10/15/2023 18:35

Subject: How do you handle witnessing a man be “mildly sexist” to his wife?

quote

Anonymous

MYOB.

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10/15/2023 18:40

Subject: How do you handle witnessing a man be “mildly sexist” to his wife?

quote

Anonymous

These are marital issues, not political issues. Change the framing from sexism/feminism/ally and then reconsider the situation. Making them political is going to embolden you to handle it in a way that isn't going to be productive.

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10/15/2023 18:42

Subject: How do you handle witnessing a man be “mildly sexist” to his wife?

quote

Anonymous

I don't think these qualify as sexist, but they perhaps tend to happen more from men. The purchases, because men tend to be the primary earners. The books, for no reason except that my husband and two other husbands have expressed the same opinion about their wives' books, I don't know why! The drinking is not related to gender, but maybe I'm wrong.

The purchases and book remarks are so minor I wouldn't even notice. Women complaint or make assumptions about their husbands too, so many I can't list them all here!

The driving thing is potentially dangerous.

But NONE of these things are grounds to assume the wife is suffering under terrible misogyny. So there is nothing to do other than what you usually do as her friend.

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10/15/2023 18:43

Subject: How do you handle witnessing a man be “mildly sexist” to his wife?

quote

Anonymous

You will embarrass the wife and she probably won't want to go out with you again.

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10/15/2023 18:46

Subject: How do you handle witnessing a man be “mildly sexist” to his wife?

quote

Anonymous

Why do you have to do anything? What’s it with Americans that you think you are entitled to get involved in everything. Butt out woman!

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10/15/2023 18:49

Subject: How do you handle witnessing a man be “mildly sexist” to his wife?

quote

Anonymous

These aren’t sexier examples, really. It’s their marriage dynamic, and if she’s not complaining, I absolutely stay out of it. There’s something odd about your analysis of and focus on their interactions, and I have a hunch it would be unwelcome.

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10/15/2023 18:50

Subject: How do you handle witnessing a man be “mildly sexist” to his wife?

quote

Anonymous

Aren’t *sexist^

The washer/dryer thing is fine. It’s odd that you are zeroing in on this and attempting to “support” her.

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10/15/2023 18:51

Subject: How do you handle witnessing a man be “mildly sexist” to his wife?

quote

Anonymous

Anonymous wrote:Why do you have to do anything? What’s it with Americans that you think you are entitled to get involved in everything. Butt out woman!

+1. He’s not your husband, it’s not your business.

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10/15/2023 19:07

Subject: How do you handle witnessing a man be “mildly sexist” to his wife?

quote

Anonymous

The only one of those that strikes me as mildly misogynist, depending on the context, is the first one. The others may be obnoxious, but I don't see the gender issue.

There's a couple I interact with through a volunteer organization- I wouldn't call them friends, but I do have to work with them pretty frequently. He is quite disparaging of the wife in ways that play up misogynist stereotypes, like:
- Oh don't give her that job, there's too much math for her. She doesn't do math.
- Talks about how she is overly emotional and doesn't use logic to make decisions
- Won't "let" her drive because she's terrible with directions
- She doesn't understand politics, so he "tells her" how to vote (I have no idea if she actually follows his directions)
- Complains about her being unable or unwilling to do any "real work"

These are phrased in such a way that he's making a statement directly about his wife, not about women in general. But it makes me highly uncomfortable to hear these frequent gripes that so blatantly mirror common misogynistic themes. But I don't know really know her ... so maybe it's not wrong in that specific case?? Hard for me to contradict him when I can't really say he's wrong. So I just raise my eyebrows a bit, shrug, and away. I don't need to be his sounding board for everything wrong with his wife.

He's not an a-hole in everything he does, but I really dislike this side of him. So, I only deal with him when I absolutely have to - no socializing outside of volunteer events.

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10/15/2023 22:17

Subject: How do you handle witnessing a man be “mildly sexist” to his wife?

quote

Anonymous

Anonymous wrote:MYOB.

Karens are gonna karen.

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10/15/2023 22:23

Subject: How do you handle witnessing a man be “mildly sexist” to his wife?

quote

Anonymous

It’s not your place in the first two. In the third, call them an Uber.

Know your place, tho

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10/16/2023 00:48

Subject: How do you handle witnessing a man be “mildly sexist” to his wife?

quote

Anonymous

You do nothing.

My ex husband drove us drunk while dating despite my concerns

He also made me get rid of 200 books I loved.

He also forced a pregnancy and made unilateral decisions about moving and did not let me spend my own money that I earned.

This is not sexist: he was just a jerk.

You are not married to the guy.

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10/16/2023 01:03

Subject: How do you handle witnessing a man be “mildly sexist” to his wife?

quote

Anonymous

This quote stuck out to me as ironic:

"Witnessed all three of these recently and am never sure what’s the most effective way to be of assistance to the woman in question, especially since she is invariably a cool girl who does NOT want to be seen as some kind of stick-in-the-mud feminist."

Is this all the same woman? Cool girls ARE feminist. Only uncool people are not pro-human rights. Doesn't sound like a cool girl to put up with someone being a dick to her- especially her DH. Sounds the opposite of cool!

PS drinking and driving IS a safety issue- not sure how you can minimize it/ frame it as anything else based on your description. If you don't stand up in a moment like this (regardless of whether he is actually sexist or just a jerk) you really are useless.