At what age did your kids understand death?

[Anonymous]

My oldest DD is about 3.5 years. She has 3 wonderful grandparents here on earth who she adores, and my mother died before my DD was born. She’s very verbal and inquisitive. Lately she has asked me a couple times, “where is your mom?” I’ve told her that Grandma Linda is in heaven and she understandably looks confused but I haven’t thought of an age-appropriate way to explain further.

Has anyone found a good way to explain (and at what age)? Or maybe someone can recommend a children’s book on the topic.

[Anonymous]

Around age 4. We didn't say grandpa is in heaven because we're agnostic. We said he died and it was very sad and that we miss him a lot sometimes, but also that he lived a long, good life and that death is part of life.

I don't know that she understood it 100% but she got used to the idea. She did go through a period of talking about how death scared her and not wanting us to die, but we reassured her that we are still young and very healthy and we aren't going anywhere anytime soon.

We didn't use any books or any other resources. We were just honest but supportive and reassuring, and we let her know that if she ever needs to talk about it, we're hear for it.

[Anonymous]

At age 5 a very good friend of mine died in a car accident. My son and I had visited her just the year before. So he fully understood by 5 the permanence of death.

[Anonymous]

Probably 3 or 4 in theory and 5 in actuality when my grandparent and uncle passed in the same year.

[Anonymous]

This is around the right age to explain op. It takes time and multiple conversations and most kids will go through a phase where they ask the questions a lot. Totally normal.

It is best to be clear and honest when teaching your kids about topics like this. Other approaches that may make us feel better can actually leave kids with more questions and anxieties. I can understand this might be hard since it is your mom but I would say something like this: “grandma x died. When people die their body stops working. We don’t get to see them anymore, which sometimes makes us sad. I miss grandma x, She would have loved you so much. Grandma x LOVED to xxx insert detail that your daughter can connect with (If you can add detail like “grandma x was sick. Usually drs can make you better when you are sick but sometimes your body is too sick, and it stops working. This usually happens once your body gets very old.)

If she asks further -
Different people believe different things about what happens after someone dies, our family believes people go to heaven which for me I picture it that grandma z is somewhere high in the sky xxxxx add your beliefs.

She will obviously not understand death from this one conversation you’ll keep having convos. All of the above likely won’t be in one convo but over a few or answering her questions.

The best book I’ve found for this is called Lifetimes. Once you read that book some, then you have a helpful language to use. So with my son who is now 5 (but understood this by 4) I could say “yes xx died. His lifetime ended, remember we all have a lifetime” and he gets that. It is a really beautiful book.

I also teach him about “likely” and “rare” which helps answer questions. “Can kids die?” “Yes, but it’s very rare. Remember when we talked about rare? It’s very unlikely. Remember your great grandma and great grandpa and how they are still alive at 95 years old? And your grandparents x y and z? They are still alive too! That is much more likely. It’s not common for x to happen.

Once he understood common, likely, rare it helps answer these hard questions much more.

[Anonymous]

Our cat died when he was 3 and a half. He understood death then.

[Anonymous]

Our cat died when DD was a young 4, then 5 when her grandfather died. She got it both times, but grandpa really caused a fear of death for a while. Maybe because it was grandpa and not an old cat, but she definitely understood that death could also happen to her and us the second time.

[Anonymous]

PPs, thank you for these replies. They are really helpful. My DD asking about my mom has been probably the most emotional part of losing my mom! I feel sad for all of us - me, DD, and certainly my mom. It was cancer and she was barely 60. She would have had a lot of fun with my girls.

[Anonymous]

Mine started being introduced to death early, unfortunately. I would say we started conversations around 2, but always age appropriate. At that age I would speak more generally about the life cycle and how a tree grows and brings us joy when it’s alive, and then when it dies it disintegrates and becomes rich soil that continues to benefit new plants and bugs and flowers. And we would parallel how every living thing dies at some time, but we keep the memories and the good parts live on. And then we would talk about memories of my parent and make a recipe they loved, or tell a happy story about them. Those conversations were harder on me than them, but as time goes on they have actual “memories” of her, even though they didn’t really know her.

We are religious but didn’t introduce the concept of Heaven until later. It’s too abstract. For young kids relate it to the world they know and understand. We would tell them it’s normal and okay to be sad but remember the good parts too.

For older kids we talked about grief and how it can hit in waves and sometimes the wave is really powerful and sometimes they are frequent. But over time the waves will become smaller and less intense and to realize that all of this is normal and even if it feels like that awful feeling will never go away, it will.

I’m sorry for your loss, OP.

[Anonymous]

Usually around 5, kids get really inquisitive about death and can grasp the concept.

[Anonymous]

Well, definitely around 4. DH and I talked a lot about BLM and George Floyd and she asked questions and understood. We know this because one day she and DS1 were playing on our bed in the morning and when he went to crawl over her he accidentally put his elbow into her neck and she was screaming she couldn't breathe and after we got him off her, she started crying hysterically - out of proportion for what had happened.

When we got her calmed down she explained she was crying because she knew DS didn't mean it and it was an accident and we were going to help her in seconds and she was STILL really very scared, and she couldn't imagine how scared George Floyd was once he realized his mom wasn't coming to get the police off him and he was going to die.

OP, saying someone's gone to heaven is confusing to a little kid. They just think it's a town far away, like Poughkeepsie or Boca Raton, that you are not letting them go to.

[Anonymous]

Age 3-4. Even the Disney shows all have death scenes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:PPs, thank you for these replies. They are really helpful. My DD asking about my mom has been probably the most emotional part of losing my mom! I feel sad for all of us - me, DD, and certainly my mom. It was cancer and she was barely 60. She would have had a lot of fun with my girls.

I'm really sorry for your loss, OP. It's so unfair to lose a parent so young. If you see your DD really grieving, not just asking questions and trying to figure it out, don't be afraid to share your grief with her. Controlled and less than hers, but it really helps them to have someone that can empathize and share their feelings. Often we want to protect our children from those hard feelings, but she'll feel them either way and it helps not to feel them alone.

[Anonymous]

Definitely by 4. My MIL died last year and it took him about 6 months to really understand. (Like he would ask grandpa to put grandma on the phone.) We told him many times that her body and brain stopped working. This was the phrase that eventually stuck. He has cried a couple of times, saying he feels sad because we (parents) are going to die. But today at dinner he asked if he could have our dining room table when I died. (???)

[Anonymous]

We had a death in the immediate family when my youngest was 10. The family member had been on hospice in our home for 10 months, and we had had many conversations with everyone. Same kid had been exposed to deaths in the extended family before.

It was really clear that he didn't really understand. I mean, he knew that he wouldn't see that person again, but he was totally blindsided by his own grief, and by the grief of other members of his family.

I think a 4 year old can understand that someone is not coming back, that they won't see them, and maybe sort of understand that one day that will happen to other people, but that's a very shallow definition of "understanding death".