Feeling pressure to conceive (?)

[Anonymous]

In TTC, I wonder if anyone has ever felt "hidden" pressure to have a child. I know very well there are (unfortunate) situations where there is direct pressure to "provide" a grandchild, or self-pressure because a sibling or close friends already have had a child, and now it's your turn, etc etc. So, all that I'm sure is very helpful. For me, I guess I'm "lucky" in that no direct comments have come my way (as yet), but I do have the rest -- a sibling (in-law), many friends, who have already had a child, some several years ago. I found my DH in life later than most of them (was already into my 30s), so it's maybe less surprising I'd not yet had a child. In any case, it doesn't help that I'm probably self-pressuring, or somehow anticipating to start hearing actual comments/pressure. I know it's irrational in some ways, because it's none of anyone's business, and we should focus on what we want, in our lives.

[Anonymous]

I think in around about way you said it, "you need to decide what you want." There may be expectations form others but really your own desires are most important, and based on your post you may be unsure what you want or afraid to express your true hopes.

[Anonymous]

Thanks, good point ... I think it's gotten somewhat confusing, because of realizing we're at a stage when it's ideal to start a family (i.e., not getting younger, etc, the usual concerns). But not having been married as long as others, and yet feeling that the years are moving by fast, it's certainly added undue stress. Truly, I wish to not worry about everything around me, and just live my (our) life. So, we all have some types of challenges.

[Anonymous]

We didn't try to conceive until I was 37. I had gotten married at 34. I wanted a baby, but I also tried very hard to remind myself how much I loved what I had even without a baby. I knew I had a good husband and a good job and a bright future with or without. We had decided we would not do anything beyond timed intercourse and a lot of trying. We were lucky, after one miscarriage from the very first time we had unprotected and untime intercourse, we got pregnant within three months of the miscarriage.

Fast forward, we had the baby and our lives fell apart. I talked to two divorce attorneys as recently as 18 months ago. The very precious child, who is now 5, put pressures on my husband and me that took our beautiful life and tore it to pieces. We each found parts of ourselves we didn't like. I did at times wonder if we hadn't had a child, would we have fallen apart. I had to start over finding things to appreciate in my life (my child being the only consistently bright point). We have found that place, and now are trying for baby no. 2, knowing what the challenges there may be. I have lost two pregnancies in 8 months, and I am back to looking at my life, and reminding myself how good it is just the way it is.

I know I am lucky to have my daughter, and I appreciate it may seem easier from this side to say settle. But 5 out of the past 6 years of my life have been not so picture perfect because I have my daughter because we fought over how to be a family.

I guess what I want to remind you is that you can't know what life will bring, and you have to find some time to remember that what you have is good and you don't always get what you want the way you want it. If I had to do the last 6 years over again, I would still have my first, but I'd never forget how we decided to have her.

I really recommending coming to find happiness in what you have now, and being willing to settle for it. It doesn't mean you shouldn't want a child, it means you should take the pressure of yourself to have the perfect life you picture. Having a child doesn't mean it'll be any more perfect than what you have now.

[Anonymous]

PP, Thank you for sharing your story, and congratulations for the success you have had in working through such a difficult journey to arrive to where you're at now. We married a bit younger than when you did, and I'm now approaching 37. So, indeed, certain challenges may face us as well--which probably accounts for a lot of my stress--or we may be fortunate.
Your points are well taken ... It's indeed important to put everything into perspective. To be honest, I've never had a picture perfect life in mind, probably I'm too much of a pessimist for that. But, sure, if things can go well, it would be wonderful to have a family, and find happiness in that path. As you said, though, the ideal is to achieve contentment living in the present. Hopefully, good things can also follow for the future, as they are meant to be.
Thanks again, and best wishes to you both.

[Anonymous]

Speaking of no pressure (OP here), I just learned that a colleague's wife is now expecting. That couple was married I think just last year, and I believe the wife is relatively young (20s). From what I know, she was quite keen on starting a family, and considering the time frame, it's possible everything went pretty smoothly for them. It's not nice to say, but hearing such updates reinforce my feeling of being behind, time accelerating, etc... But, I know, that's neither the right attitude nor helpful.