How do they not make the connection between their gossip and my distance?

[Anonymous]

My ILs, and most of the older generation in my husband’s family (aunts, uncles, cousins) are huge gossips. We’re at a family reunion, and they are picking apart tons of people who aren’t here, including my SIL and her spouse, and even their kids.

I leave the room as much as possible, but it’s a beach house, so there are so many common areas. I also try to turn the conversation in a more positive direction, say nice things about the people being disparaged, or change the subject. But there’s only so much you can do when they just want to go in on people they allegedly love.

They think I’m an aloof, cold person because I don’t engage much. But I refuse to gossip, and that is 90% of their conversation.

How do they not see that the reason why I keep them at arm’s length is because I don’t want to give them any information to use against me? Honestly don’t know what to do, other than keep my guard up and keep my distance.

[Anonymous]

You may have to tell them directly.

[Anonymous]

Which gives them something to gossip about. No win with people like this. Moreover, I'm sure that they don't realize that what they do is offensive because they all do it.

[Anonymous]

Also, if you call them out on being gossips, they'll just hate you more. A shame this wasn't addressed before you married into the family. All you can do now is be the outlier no matter what you do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Also, if you call them out on being gossips, they'll just hate you more. A shame this wasn't addressed before you married into the family. All you can do now is be the outlier no matter what you do.

Well, I only wanted to marry my husband, not his whole family! :smile: Luckily, I only have to see them a few times a year.

I have told MIL and FIL directly that if they gossip about my kids, they won’t see my kids. So I think they walk the line on that one. And they know it will get back to me if they do, because a few of the older ladies don’t like my MIL and would love to see her get in trouble.

[Anonymous]

How do you not see that they can't read your mind?

You are staggeringly self-absorbed, just as much as they are, OP. Maybe you don't indulge in gossip, but don't make yourself out to be more sensitive and aware. Clearly you are not.

Use your words: "I am not comfortable with criticizing absent relatives. Can we talk about something else?"

And then you'll understand that they have literally nothing else to talk about. Their worlds are that small. All the elderly women on my side and DH's side of the family do the same. It is a physical impossibility for them to do otherwise. They are desperate for attention, and so DH and I listen and occasionally provide a counterpoint to defend our SILs and all the others they love to pick apart.

That's all. They've got one foot in the grave. It doesn't matter what they say, OP! I'm sure my SILs couldn't care less, and I certainly don't care when (not if) the old cronies trash talk me!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
How do you not see that they can't read your mind?

You are staggeringly self-absorbed, just as much as they are, OP. Maybe you don't indulge in gossip, but don't make yourself out to be more sensitive and aware. Clearly you are not.

Use your words: "I am not comfortable with criticizing absent relatives. Can we talk about something else?"

And then you'll understand that they have literally nothing else to talk about. Their worlds are that small. All the elderly women on my side and DH's side of the family do the same. It is a physical impossibility for them to do otherwise. They are desperate for attention, and so DH and I listen and occasionally provide a counterpoint to defend our SILs and all the others they love to pick apart.

That's all. They've got one foot in the grave. It doesn't matter what they say, OP! I'm sure my SILs couldn't care less, and I certainly don't care when (not if) the old cronies trash talk me!

More stupid, fake advice from someone who would never actually say that to their ILs or their family IRL. Another Family Relationships keyboard warrior.

[Anonymous]

Why do you think they don't see? You aren't that important Op. Your presence is not that important. Your opinion on what they discuss is not that important. They are not thinking of you.

But you are right. Right to not want to be like them, gossiping.

[Anonymous]

Oh, my ILs are like this. They’ll rip my SIL to shreds, then go into grisly detail about a neighbor’s medical issues that I’m sure he wouldn’t want strangers to hear, then they speculate about how much money their new neighbor has…

And then they don’t understand why all I ever tell them is “Oh, I’m fine.” Like, I will tell you nothing. You will get nothing from me.

[Anonymous]

Why do you think don’t know why you are cold? Maybe they just don’t care why.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like you're navigating a challenging situation with grace and integrity. Gossip can be toxic, and it's commendable that you're trying to redirect conversations and avoid participating in it. Here's a potential response:

"Family is important to me, and I truly value the time we spend together. However, I've always believed in focusing on the positive aspects of people and not indulging in negative conversations about them, especially when they're not present. It's just a personal choice, and I hope it's understood as such. My intent isn't to come off as aloof; I just find that life is more fulfilling when we uplift and support one another."

By expressing your feelings and setting boundaries, you can continue to maintain your integrity while also making it clear where you stand on such matters. It might not change their behavior, but it will help you feel more authentic in your interactions.It sounds like you're navigating a challenging situation with grace and integrity. Gossip can be toxic, and it's commendable that you're trying to redirect conversations and avoid participating in it. Here's a potential response:

"Family is important to me, and I truly value the time we spend together. However, I've always believed in focusing on the positive aspects of people and not indulging in negative conversations about them, especially when they're not present. It's just a personal choice, and I hope it's understood as such. My intent isn't to come off as aloof; I just find that life is more fulfilling when we uplift and support one another."

By expressing your feelings and setting boundaries, you can continue to maintain your integrity while also making it clear where you stand on such matters. It might not change their behavior, but it will help you feel more authentic in your interactions.

[Anonymous]

I'd make a *joke* about it, saying something along the lines of "Gee this seems like the wrong group to confide secrets with" or something of that nature. It likely won't change anything but can't hurt to let them know you're on to them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
How do you not see that they can't read your mind?

You are staggeringly self-absorbed, just as much as they are, OP. Maybe you don't indulge in gossip, but don't make yourself out to be more sensitive and aware. Clearly you are not.

Use your words: "I am not comfortable with criticizing absent relatives. Can we talk about something else?"

And then you'll understand that they have literally nothing else to talk about. Their worlds are that small. All the elderly women on my side and DH's side of the family do the same. It is a physical impossibility for them to do otherwise. They are desperate for attention, and so DH and I listen and occasionally provide a counterpoint to defend our SILs and all the others they love to pick apart.

That's all. They've got one foot in the grave. It doesn't matter what they say, OP! I'm sure my SILs couldn't care less, and I certainly don't care when (not if) the old cronies trash talk me!

More stupid, fake advice from someone who would never actually say that to their ILs or their family IRL. Another Family Relationships keyboard warrior.

DP.

I say this all the time. It does not change much, but I do say it.

[Anonymous]

My family is like this, just one big game of telephone. I disengaged completely, the only updates I get are funerals.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
How do you not see that they can't read your mind?

You are staggeringly self-absorbed, just as much as they are, OP. Maybe you don't indulge in gossip, but don't make yourself out to be more sensitive and aware. Clearly you are not.

Use your words: "I am not comfortable with criticizing absent relatives. Can we talk about something else?"

And then you'll understand that they have literally nothing else to talk about. Their worlds are that small. All the elderly women on my side and DH's side of the family do the same. It is a physical impossibility for them to do otherwise. They are desperate for attention, and so DH and I listen and occasionally provide a counterpoint to defend our SILs and all the others they love to pick apart.

That's all. They've got one foot in the grave. It doesn't matter what they say, OP! I'm sure my SILs couldn't care less, and I certainly don't care when (not if) the old cronies trash talk me!

More stupid, fake advice from someone who would never actually say that to their ILs or their family IRL. Another Family Relationships keyboard warrior.

So you didn't read what I posted. I don't care that all my elderly relatives, and in-laws, do this. It's all they have in their lives at this point, and they won't change. But I did suggest some words to OP, who is apparently bothered. If she doesn't want to pipe up, that's her choice.

The stupid person appears to be you.