Mom Refuses Us Condo Access

[Anonymous]

My elderly mom got released from the hospital back to her long term care facility (continuing care community) and will be in skilled nursing
indefinitely, as she can’t physically manage on her own.

She bought a condo in the community steps away from her skilled nursing unit - I can literally see it from her window. She’s now refusing me access to her condo and instead asking me to buy her new clothes, bedding, toiletries, etc. instead of handing me the keys to bring her these items. I helped her move in and I know her place is fully stocked.

Keys can’t be duplicated and she keeps 2 sets in her purse.!I offered to do laundry for her back at her place and instead she sent me to the basement laundry room in the nursing home.

My sibling has POA - I don’t. Trying to be helpful and respect her wishes but wonder what is allowable here.

[Anonymous]

Refuse to buy her new stuff and ask the staff to have her evaluated for dimimished mental capacity of some sort. Tell the sibling to call her or visit and try to get the stuff from her apartment that she wants.

[Anonymous]

Do you have a sense as to why she doesn’t want you in there? Is your sister with the POA involved in her care? Do you think she’ll be going back to the condo?

[Anonymous]

Could she be embarrassed about the state of it? If she was declining before she went to the hospital, she might be deluding herself that she’ll tackle it when she’s feeling better.

[Anonymous]

Is she a hoarder? Second the idea of suggesting an eval re: mental status. Sounds difficult, OP, hang in there.

[Anonymous]

Did you talk with her care team about it? Maybe they can figure out what’s going on. She could be embarrassed about the state of it or delusional and thinking you’re going to steal all her stuff. She might talk to them about it either way.

[Anonymous]

Is she afraid of what you will see? Or afraid of what you will do. It might be messy, slight or horrible. Or she might be paranoid you'd take something.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Did you talk with her care team about it? Maybe they can figure out what’s going on. She could be embarrassed about the state of it or delusional and thinking you’re going to steal all her stuff. She might talk to them about it either way.

This, the care team or social worker can help you out.

You could contact your sibling with the POA and tell them them you will not buy all new items for your mom, you have no idea what is going on in her head, and they need to get themselves there in person as POA to sort this out with staff. Or, have them grant you a temporary POA is they can't come themselves.

My mom was scared I was going to steal everything from her for some reason.

[Anonymous]

Paranoia is a sign of dementia. It's good that someone has POA. Work with your sister to get access to her belongings.

[Anonymous]

She might be a hoarder.

[Anonymous]

More likely there is a reason OP's sister has the POA and OP does not. Mom doesn't trust you. She's afraid you're going to steal from her, isn't she? What did you do to her in the past?

[Anonymous]

Tell your sister to deal with it.

[Anonymous]

I would have your sister deal with it or see if you can hire someone to be her point person who she will trust. My mother decided she no longer wanted me knowing her health info because I suspected she had dementia and she did. I know, not exactly rational. She also decided she hated me. We had a calm relationship my whole adulthood. I made everything my sister's issue to deal with since she was getting financial gifts from mom. I also convinced her to pay for someone who could be her "assistant" when my sister could not be there.

Don't drive yourself nuts. Sure try the social worker and others, but it just know it can get worse so the more buffers you have the better. You don't have to go buy her things when she has her own stuff at home.

[Anonymous]

Pick the lock.

[Anonymous]

OP back and thanks all. I’ve talked to my brother who has POA - he’s meeting the same stumbling blocks and shared that he left a few tools in her condo and wants to retrieve them - and will. He also purchased something for her condo and she told him to hang onto it or return it rather than entering her place.

I think she’s become a hoarder. Saw concerning signs pre hospital.

Yes, her care team and social worker need to to consulted and I want her to have a comprehensive psychiatric eval. Complete personality change and she was highly organized and a meticulous homemaker.

My brother is older and has always been my mom’s hyper-responsible firstborn.