Christmas gift for adult kid's partners

[Anonymous]

If you are buying Christmas gifts for your kids, should you buy some for their partners as well? Mine graduated recently and they started work in another state. They live together and did in college as well.

He is coming home for Christmas and she'll be visiting her parents who are buddhist . She brought us gifts when she visited and I gave her a small graduation gift but I haven't sent birthday gifts even though I do wish happy birthday on phone. We do love her but not sure if regular gift giving starts after marriage or you should do it if they aren't married?

[Anonymous]

We don’t start exchanging gifts until after marriage unless that person is invited to a holiday event where gifts are given.

[Anonymous]

I know my son would be exchanging gifts with her and randomly FaceTiming her all day and include us at times. What if she sends us a gift and we don't send her one?

[Anonymous]

Would it be so hard to just get her a simple but thoughtful gift he can take home with him?

If they've been living together for several years now it's obvious this isn't just a fling.

[Anonymous]

Yes, treat her like family.

[Anonymous]

I would always have a gift for anyone visiting at Christmas.

I actually hate gifts and would rather not do them at all, but if anyone is getting a gift then everyone gets a gift.

Just get her a box or chocolates or something. It doesn’t have to be complicated.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I know my son would be exchanging gifts with her and randomly FaceTiming her all day and include us at times. What if she sends us a gift and we don't send her one?

So she is not going to be in town visiting? Can you check with your son to see if she plans to send you a gift?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would always have a gift for anyone visiting at Christmas.

I actually hate gifts and would rather not do them at all, but if anyone is getting a gift then everyone gets a gift.

Just get her a box or chocolates or something. It doesn’t have to be complicated.

It sounds like she won't be physically present if DS will be Facetiming her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Would it be so hard to just get her a simple but thoughtful gift he can take home with him?

If they've been living together for several years now it's obvious this isn't just a fling.

+1. Sounds like giving gifts is her love language (corny but true). Get her a nice consumable gift for DS to take back with him.

[Anonymous]

Yes I would give her a gift. $50 would be what I’d give, not the same as what you’d give your child.

I’m honestly surprised you don’t give her birthday gifts too. They live together! And they’ve been dating for years. It costs very little to be kind. DILs are the ones who can control access to grandchildren.

Dh and I met young (19). No one paid any attention to me and I was ignored quite a bit at family functions. We waited until 25 to marry. When dhs siblings were near 30 they started bringing girlfriends home for the holidays and everyone fawned over them. They were treated so very kindly. MIL was teaching them her family’s recipes and making sure their favorite pies got served. I think that people just don’t treat young women kindly but when their kids are close to 30 they get worried and want grandkids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes I would give her a gift. $50 would be what I’d give, not the same as what you’d give your child.

I’m honestly surprised you don’t give her birthday gifts too. They live together! And they’ve been dating for years. It costs very little to be kind. DILs are the ones who can control access to grandchildren.

Dh and I met young (19). No one paid any attention to me and I was ignored quite a bit at family functions. We waited until 25 to marry. When dhs siblings were near 30 they started bringing girlfriends home for the holidays and everyone fawned over them. They were treated so very kindly. MIL was teaching them her family’s recipes and making sure their favorite pies got served. I think that people just don’t treat young women kindly but when their kids are close to 30 they get worried and want grandkids.

This sounds very transactional (give gifts bc it might increase access to future grandchildren). Does she celebrate Christmas? I second the advice to talk to your son; if you give her a gift and she doesn’t get you one (which would be normal, since she’s not even visiting) she might feel awkward.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you are buying Christmas gifts for your kids, should you buy some for their partners as well? Mine graduated recently and they started work in another state. They live together and did in college as well.

He is coming home for Christmas and she'll be visiting her parents who are buddhist . She brought us gifts when she visited and I gave her a small graduation gift but I haven't sent birthday gifts even though I do wish happy birthday on phone. We do love her but not sure if regular gift giving starts after marriage or you should do it if they aren't married?

If this was my son and his girlfriend I wouldn't buy her a gift. I don't know what her parents being Buddhist has anything to do with Christmas unless the girlfriend was also Buddhist. If she was present at your home I would give her a gift.

[Anonymous]

I’m sorry but this sounds overthought and overwrought. We are debating over whether or not to get someone a small token? The only reason not to is if she is Buddhist and you do not think a Christmas gift is appropriate. But now that I’m re-reading this I gather you’re not going to be seeing her at all? There’s too much quid pro quo discussion here. Get her a lovely tin of tea or order a stack of notecard from Etsy with her name on it. Call it a “We miss you!” gift and be done with it.

[Anonymous]

If she is Japanese, gift giving when visiting is traditional.

[Anonymous]

I’m not sure what you think the harm in getting a gift is?

Anyway, if they have been together for many years and live together and you send him things for his birthday and she brought your family gifts, I think it’s weird you didn’t send something for her birthday (even just flowers or her favorite candy) and weird you are so at odds over getting her a Christmas gift.