No Contact with Elderly Narcissist mother - what awaits?

[Anonymous]

I have been NC with my 85 year old mother with NPD for the past 5 years. Five years ago, she was active - driving, traveling abroad, no major health issues currently (according to her neighbor whom I talk to). As she ages and as the only offspring (brother died 20 years ago), she has not attempted contact but I wonder how she is going to manage in her old age. Maybe she has a nursing home picked out or round the clock caregivers? If not, I dread her reaching out to me. What are other people’s experiences in this situation?

[Anonymous]

Is your dread a sense that you want to reach out? Is your dread protecting you for the day sometime in the quasi near or not quite near future when she passes away? Going NC is super hard. You’re doing great.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like you’re afraid of getting sucked back into an abusive cycle understandably.

You might want to think about what your boundaries are and what you’re willing or unwilling to do for her.

[Anonymous]

If people do not have children, here is what happens: either she’s made arrangements, or she will have some kind of accident or situation where she gets hospitalized and the social worker at the hospital investigates whether she can go home safely from that and makes arrangements if not. So she could end up in some kind of rehabilitation facility/nursing home or they will hook her up with home caregivers, or something like that.

[Anonymous]

I’ve been NC with my mom for almost 10 years.

If the nursing home or she contacts me, I suppose I might be willing to help with admin tasks. I might visit if she seems remorseful and sincere.

But I’m not giving her money and I’m not taking her in.

Figure out what your boundaries and limitations are. It’s perfectly ok to keep the door closed. There are more people in this situation than you realize.

[Anonymous]

I think the issue is social workers are always going to try to find the next of kin AND then pressure them into taking care of their elderly parent. My friend implemented NC with her abusive mother over 20 years ago and last year was contacted by a hospital social trying to guilt her into taking care of her of her mother had a serious infection and mild stroke and was hospitalized for three weeks.

The easiest thing for the hospital to do is to release an elderly patient to a family member instead of searching for a place that would take them. So my friends was repeatedly called and told her mom was going to be homeless on the street and she needed to just let her stay fir a while in her house. Friend kept saying no and eventually a bed at a rehab place was found. Rehab then called and called friends mom and said come visit but who held firm she wasn’t taking her. So if you have NC don’t visit or you will be pressured into taking care of your mom.

[Anonymous]

If she hasn't given you POA then not much you can do. If she has, you use her money to hire someone to manage her care and deal with her. If a SW tries to guilt trip you , you remain calm and say you are estranged due to abuse. It would be unsafe to take in someone abusive. They cannot put her in an unsafe situation.

[Anonymous]

My NPD BPD MIL has been assigned a caregiver by the state - we initiated this at the suggestion of an eldercare lawyer and she is in a full nursing care facility paid for by medicaid. We still see her occasionally and had to work with the lawyer to get her approved for medicaid, but it has been a godsend and good solution for my DH and his brother who were tortured by her for years. The good news is her day to day needs are taken care of and she is in a safe place and we are off the hook when she has her cruel and destructive episodes.