Help me support my friend in marriage problems/possible separation, divorce

[Anonymous]

My dear friend has been having marriage problems and her husband has mentioned the separation word. She's doing quite well, really,
as she's been holding the family together for years anyway in terms of household tasks, childcare, helping him in his work and personal
needs. However, naturally, this is a sad time. I would love to have some advice on useful things I could do/say to be as supportive as
possible and not take a wrong step. I personally think her DH is a bit of an ass, takes her for granted (she has an impressive career in
addition to dealing with all else and is a really great Mom), doesn't know what he's got, thinks the grass is going to be greener when he
leaves, but I don't think it's helpful for me to disparage him, right? I can listen to anything negative she might have to say (she really
isn't railing on him). Anyway, mostly I am trying to just be a listening ear. I offered to take her kids for a playdate this weekend (we
swap kids a lot anyway) with the specific intent of giving her time to do something for herself. We already help each other out quite a
bit in parenting, share babysitters, etc. Obviously I will step up what I do and decrease any requests for her help. Anything else?
Anything you really would have wanted your friends to do or not do? Thanks!

[Anonymous]

You sound like a great friend. Continuing listening. Offer to help her out.

[Anonymous]

I think there are things you could say that are supportive without disparaging him. Something like, "I know things suck right now. But I suspect that once the dust settles, you might end up happier than you are now. You just have to get through this short-term crap." something like that is safe. Or: "Girl, you rock. You're going to be fine; you've dealt with everything life has handed you already; it'll get easier." In any case, just keep listening and being a good friend. I'm sure she appreciates it.

[Anonymous]

You are a great friend!

[Anonymous]

Want to be friends? I wish you had been there for me during my divorce. You are right on track - because there will be times, believe it or not, when she may doubt herself. This is the man she married, so no matter what she says, you don't want to talk crap about him, yet. A year from now, sure...but not now.

[Anonymous]

MYOB.

[Anonymous]

Of course, there are the people who split up and then get back together and if you say anything negative about him now, it might come back to bite you in the tush and cost you this friendship. You sound like you are doing everything you can already. I've found it so much easier to get over a relationship when I've had someone to listen to me when I've needed to vent without any judgement about the relationship I probably shouldn't have been in anyway.

[Anonymous]

My friend and her husband are having some marriage problems and it has been going on for a few weeks now. A while back she felt like her husband was pushing her away, and he was spending more time playing video games then spending time with his wife and four kids. Now he is in the army and he has TBI, a couple of times that he went to his TBI appointments he didn't tell her about them, but then he realized after a few sessions of counseling he needed her to realize what was going on with him. So one day they had a fight, and she started to pull away and then wanted him to stop with the video games, well he did just that. He gave up everything for her and the kids. Now she is the one pushing and pulling away, she started hanging out with another friend of ours which happens to be our other girlfriends husband, and they developed feeling for one another. Well then that ended, and now she is stuck in this in between place, where she is telling her husband that she loves him, but she is not in love with him,and she is starting to neglect him and her kids. For one thing we can all see that the things she is doing is being very selfish. And she wants him to do things for her, and he does them, but that isnt good enough. SO then last night she tells him and I, that she needs time to think, so she goes for a walk, well that walk turned into her going down a road at 130 in the morning by herself, and getting a hotel for the night and leaving her husband with kids and making him worry, and feel torn up, and stressed. And ontop of that he has a doctors appointment this morning, and his two oldest kids has school. Well I think she is being stupid neglecting her kids like that and leaving him there to do it all, and the whole time the kids wanted mommy. So What should I do, he is asking for help and some guidance, and I think she needs tough love, but I don't know what else to say to her. So what should I say? Please help!

[Anonymous]

PP, I'm sorry that no one has responded to your post yet. I think if you had started a new thread about this specific situation, you would have received some replies. This situation sounds horrible, very, very sad for all involved. I'm almost hoping that you are making up this story, but there are so many details here that I'm afraid that it's probably all true.

All I can say is, Can someone please be a grown-up here? You've got a father who likes to play video games all day and a mother who runs out on her kids, while developing "feelings" for a friend's husband. And with four young, I assume, children at home? This is tragic beyond belief for all involved and I hope that this family can get some serious help soon.

Doesn't the Army provide counseling that they could take advantage of?