do you keep your kid away from a kid you dont like?

[Anonymous]

There is a girl at DD's school who is on again/off again with her. I won't call her a friend bc she really isn't. One day, she's friendly to DD. The next, she is ignoring her at school or pitting her against another 'friend.' DD is learning to navigate all that middle school drama and it is not easy. We've had playdates at her house and at ours, at the mall, etc. Once it went well. Once, it was ok, and once, it ended in tears. There have been sleepovers where DD was invited but she's never gone and thank goodness because both times, things happened where parents got called and I'm just glad my kid wasn't there for that mess.

This girl often asks to hang out with mine (I'll get texts from the mom) and frankly, I'll check in with DD and ask whether she wants to go, but sometimes, I check the schedule first to see if there is anything else we could be doing so I can say no. I don't like the way this alpha kid treats mine and I'm not sure mine knows how to get away from her. We talk about friendship (and she has several good friends, so she knows what that looks like). Of course, she has to learn how to negotiate kids like this one, but it's so much easier to avoid.

These are 6th graders, btw.

[Anonymous]

Nope. "We're busy, sorry!" And I'd encourage and facilitate DD deepening her friendships with other kids.

[Anonymous]

Avoid

[Anonymous]

And I forgot to mention that school just started and I wouldn't say it's constant, but the invites come often....like almost every other weekend. They came over the summer too, but they were easier to avoid.

[Anonymous]

Avoid. We just spent 2 years working on this with my now 3rd grader but I can see her going back to this pattern of friendship when she’s older. Calling this girl a “frenemy” would be generous.

My rule for my DD is that if she can’t imagine one of my friends treating me like that (she knows them well, like aunts) then it isn’t ok to take that treatment from her friends. It helped her see how insane and mean some of the relational aggression and yo-yo friendship manipulation was.

Your DD is a little old for it but she should read the American Girl friendship book- it talks about the exact scenario you’re describing. It sounds cheesy but our older girl family friends have also loved going her copy of the Confidence Code together. It always seems to come out during quiet times on group trips or holidays.

[Anonymous]

I think you are doing the right thing. Keep the get togethers infrequent, & avoid sleepovers/really long events - but maybe not block all of them, bc you are right that she is learning to navigate this. You want her to have an honest view into this friendship - if you block everything, she might have rose colored glasses with this friend (or not learn lessons that can help navigate these things in the future). Let her have get togethers once in a while, and figure it will either be ok or a learning experience.

[Anonymous]

OP here. This is why I chose to have this girl over to our house and I also hosted the mall day. I wanted it on our turf, thinking that would maybe tamp down some of the ugly behavior, which it did, but my DD still ended up crying when it was over bc, unbeknownst to me, they were calling other kids from school and that apparently devolved into ugliness.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There is a girl at DD's school who is on again/off again with her. I won't call her a friend bc she really isn't. One day, she's friendly to DD. The next, she is ignoring her at school or pitting her against another 'friend.' DD is learning to navigate all that middle school drama and it is not easy. We've had playdates at her house and at ours, at the mall, etc. Once it went well. Once, it was ok, and once, it ended in tears. There have been sleepovers where DD was invited but she's never gone and thank goodness because both times, things happened where parents got called and I'm just glad my kid wasn't there for that mess.

This girl often asks to hang out with mine (I'll get texts from the mom) and frankly, I'll check in with DD and ask whether she wants to go, but sometimes, I check the schedule first to see if there is anything else we could be doing so I can say no. I don't like the way this alpha kid treats mine and I'm not sure mine knows how to get away from her. We talk about friendship (and she has several good friends, so she knows what that looks like). Of course, she has to learn how to negotiate kids like this one, but it's so much easier to avoid.

These are 6th graders, btw.

It sounds like your DD knows what's up and is slowly learning to keep this girl at arm's length, which is good. Keep reinforcing the lessons about healthy and unhealthy friendships.

[Anonymous]

Avoid.

[Anonymous]

Avoid but put DD in a position to make other friends too.

[Anonymous]

Hep, avoid.

[Anonymous]

Avoid. I have an 11 year old 6th grader who can get into these dynamics with “friends” and we’ve talked endlessly about it, but eliminating or greatly reducing the time spent with these “friends” outside of school is what helps most. My DDs sport has also been super helpful because she’s at practice 5-6 days a week so it also draws away the energy and time she has to put into these relationships.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Avoid. We just spent 2 years working on this with my now 3rd grader but I can see her going back to this pattern of friendship when she’s older. Calling this girl a “frenemy” would be generous.

My rule for my DD is that if she can’t imagine one of my friends treating me like that (she knows them well, like aunts) then it isn’t ok to take that treatment from her friends. It helped her see how insane and mean some of the relational aggression and yo-yo friendship manipulation was.

Your DD is a little old for it but she should read the American Girl friendship book- it talks about the exact scenario you’re describing. It sounds cheesy but our older girl family friends have also loved going her copy of the Confidence Code together. It always seems to come out during quiet times on group trips or holidays.

Head on back to the little kid forum pls

[Anonymous]

Yep, we definitely would try to avoid.

[Anonymous]

I would have a heart-to-heart with my daughter about how this girl is not behaving appropriately, and explain that I refuse to facilitate that friendship outside of school.

My 8th grade daughter has told me that there is so much drama in her middle school that she just doesn't understand why people act out like this. She has a tiny group of no-drama friends, and is glad for them. I know a lot of the girls in her class, and I'm surprised that even the ones I really liked in elementary engage in so much high-voltage behavior. To my face they're all kind and polite and poised. Then they turn around and do weird things to each other.