Activities balancing for SN/NT siblings

[Anonymous]

I am feeling a lot of guilt about activities/family balance for my two kids and wondering if anyone can relate/advise.

I have two kids - DD (7) and DS (almost 5). DS's main struggles are a language disorder and ADHD. He is conversational but has a very hard time attending to activities and has some receptive issues that make it hard for him to follow directions without pretty explicit instruction from someone who gets his issues.

I would like to get him in soccer or something like that, but I am worried that he will not be able to participate at an age-appropriate level and that could be a mess with a team sport. He also is in both a private preschool and the FCPS early childhood class-based program so he has really long days and is exhausted at the end of the day. He does speech privately 2X a week at school and we are looking into private swim lessons but the teacher I want to use has a wait list.

DD is a very outgoing, high-energy kid. She is in sports/activities 3-5 nights a week, depending on the week, and really thrives being on the go. Most of them are close to our home, at a time that works well with our schedule (2 working parents), or we can carpool so the logistics aren't too hard, but a parent is taking her to stuff more weeknights than not.

I feel like things appear very uneven in our family because we are doing all of these things for DD while DS hangs out at home with the other parent. We try hard to not have him tagalong on a week night because he is tired. I know I shouldn't care, but I feel like neighbors and acquaintances judge us for expending all this energy running DD around and not doing the same for our other kids. I do not think that DS particularly cares but he also doesn't necessarily have the language to express that.

Maybe I am asking for permission to just let this go? Would also love any suggestions for an activity that could work for a kid like him. I would love to help him be confident and have fun doing something just for him! Thanks in advance.

[Anonymous]

I doubt anyone notices

Your son won’t notice either at that age unless he overhears you.

Both kids will need 1:1 attention from each parent daily.

Find each kids’ strengths and nurture them.


Ps I have the same an over achiever younger daughter and an older adhd/hfa daughter.
It’s tough, they usually get along but boy can the asd one unload on the NT one.

[Anonymous]

Equal does not mean the same. You are giving each kid what they need right now. When and if your son wants to do more, you can reassess the balance.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I doubt anyone notices

Your son won’t notice either at that age unless he overhears you.

Both kids will need 1:1 attention from each parent daily.

Find each kids’ strengths and nurture them.


Ps I have the same an over achiever younger daughter and an older adhd/hfa daughter.
It’s tough, they usually get along but boy can the asd one unload on the NT one.

Thank you for the kind response! We do need to be more deliberate about the 1:1 attention for him.

[Anonymous]

I think that it's natural to worry about these things with a special needs child.

But, I will also say that I had NT kids with a similar age span, and my youngest didn't do any activities in preschool. In my mind, preschool was the activity. And two preschools plus speech? That's plenty!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I doubt anyone notices

Your son won’t notice either at that age unless he overhears you.

Both kids will need 1:1 attention from each parent daily.

Find each kids’ strengths and nurture them.


Ps I have the same an over achiever younger daughter and an older adhd/hfa daughter.
It’s tough, they usually get along but boy can the asd one unload on the NT one.

Thank you for the kind response! We do need to be more deliberate about the 1:1 attention for him.

Even 15 mins a day is all they need!

Do the Dr Dan Shapiro parenting classes on zoom. Or their support groups.

[Anonymous]

Your DD is 7. She does not need to be running all over town with activities that many times a week. I do think you are neglecting your DS in a way and this will only make the gap grow larger in the future.

I'm not judging because we made similar decisions when DCs were that age and now regret. It was so much easier to have DD in activities and fun to watch her grow in them while it was much more challenging to find things that DS enjoyed and it was more stressful as we had to supervise more and sometimes even talk to the coaches. I wish we would have invested more time in that because DD would have been fine even without all those other activities while I think DS's life would have been differenet if we had found things he enjoyed earlier in life.

Sorry I don't think that's what you wanted to hear.

[Anonymous]

I disagree with the PP.

The Nt kid will be more independent and handle car pools, coaches, drop offs just fine. We had a nanny or car pools doing this, but one of us would attend the weekend games, the other would stay with the hfa child.

[Anonymous]

I have similar age kids and my older one would do an activity every night - she’s the one with ADHD and needs so much stimulation and exercise. My younger one is more introverted and is very exhausted by school and I try to keep some evenings clear because my husband works too much to keep our younger child home regularly and I refuse to drag my youngest out more than one night a week. Younger kid just now has an interest that is worth going out in The evenings to pursue but that is also just one night a week. It’s a compromise. If you have a parent available to give your DD quality 1:1 time each night that’s unbelievably amazing and the best thing (in the absence of a specific interest).

I hate to break it to you but neighbors are judgmental about everything. Someone is probably judging you. It’s a great gift for you to decide to let your kids be themselves and anyone who is a actual friend will get it, especially at such a young age

[Anonymous]

My neighbors are too busy to notice what we’re doing after school.

[Anonymous]

First, it doesn't matter what the neighbors think.

Second, your daughter's needs are important, too. If doing all of these activities is energizing for her and helps her to discover her passions and strengths, there is no need to feel guilty. It's not as though your son has the bandwidth for such activities but you're not giving him the opportunity to participate in them.

[Anonymous]

Find a balance with both kids. Your son is young can can catch up verbally. Don't do team sports. That will set him up to fail. Do things like gymnastics, karate (with an understanding teacher), etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Find a balance with both kids. Your son is young can can catch up verbally. Don't do team sports. That will set him up to fail. Do things like gymnastics, karate (with an understanding teacher), etc.

My HFA son loves team sports, so don't discount them entirely yet. Volleyball has been better than basketball (the physical contact with the opposing team proved very difficult for him to manage in basketball), but it's good for him socially and he loves it. That doesn't mean it's all butterflies and rainbows - there are definitely some struggles with team dynamics, and focus, but overall, it's a positive experience for him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I disagree with the PP.

The Nt kid will be more independent and handle car pools, coaches, drop offs just fine. We had a nanny or car pools doing this, but one of us would attend the weekend games, the other would stay with the hfa child.

Nothing in the post mentioned what you are disagreeing with. Obviously if their DD can get to and from activities with minimal impact on the parents go for it. The question was more about balancing the needs of her SN and NT children and I think she's leaning in the wrong direction if she and her husband are spending that much time doing things for her DD who as you noted is more independent and would probably be fine without that much attention.

My NTs kids are very active but we have a nanny who drives them so we can accompany our child with SN to activities. We do make our other children's games but there's no need for us to waste everyone's time at their practices when we could be doing something to help our other child. We are clearly lucky we have someone who can drive for us but if I had to choose I would drop our NT kids from one activity or more to make room for me to have some time on weekdays to do something outside the home with our child with SN.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:First, it doesn't matter what the neighbors think.

Second, your daughter's needs are important, too. If doing all of these activities is energizing for her and helps her to discover her passions and strengths, there is no need to feel guilty. It's not as though your son has the bandwidth for such activities but you're not giving him the opportunity to participate in them.

Does he not have the bandwidth or is that just an excuse for the parents?