There's no winning
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Anonymous
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DS is a junior. ADHD, LD, mood issues. Struggle is constant, and nothing we do seems to help.
If I ignore his classwork, he falls behind (doesn't do homework; doesn't study; gets bad grades; and starts cutting class, running away, and engaging in self-destructive behavior because he realizes how behind he is). If I micromanage everything, he might do slightly better gradewise, but our home life is miserable, and he's not learning to be responsible for his own work. Constant arguing and fights. School doesn't matter, assignments don't matter, grades don't matter (and neither do the consequences of not doing the work). Medicated, sees a therapist, has tutors, an IEP... but nothing seems to matter (and you'll have to take my word for it that over the years we've tried many different things). I fear for his future. There's no way he will be ready for college in 2 years (not that he wants to go), and with his grades and our finances options are extremely limited. Trade school would be fine if he had any interest in that. But he has no goals for himself. I'm not sure what my question is. But I can't handle the stress of worrying about his future and his grades. How do I just let him fail when I fear that he will never be able to recover? Historically when he hits bottom rather than snapping out of it he digs himself in even deeper. |
Anonymous
| No good answer, but: Hang in there! |
Anonymous
| This is so hard, OP. Sounds like you have been a wonderful parent and tried hard to find solutions. I don’t have any, unfortunately, but I hope you hang in there. |
Anonymous
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I know this is hard but try to keep your thoughts as much in the present as possible and not in the past or future.
Worrying about his future isn't helping you or helping you help him. |
Anonymous
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There is no winning. Pull yourself from the effing rat race. Just be. And then, and only then, you win.
It does not mean that you reatreat to your bedroom and not participate. It means that you actually, factually, got up every day and tried. You put in something. You got out less. And it was okay. But as long as you put in something. So many parents I know put in nothing and act perplexed. |
Anonymous
| Just make him get a job. |
Anonymous
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Make the micromanaging the assignments the tutors' job. That preserves your relationship and at least my child listens to others far more than she listens to me.
And if that's not enough -- life is long. He can go to college or trade school when he's motivated. In the meantime, his mental health is far more important. |
Anonymous
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A tutor/Executive Function coach. That will help disentangle this from your parent-child relationship. And this person can have some real talk with him about what kind of track he is on. The reality is some kids need a 5th year to finish high school, or they need to take a lighter course load and make up a course in the summer. And that's okay! It's really not the end of the world, and it's certainly much better than the situation you're describing. Maybe you can get a meeting with the school to see if this is an option and what it would look like. Then at least you'll have less academics to manage. He won't be ready for college in two years, you say, so what do you have to lose?
Have you read the book Smart But Scattered? It's a classic and there's a lot of good stuff in there. He says he doesn't care but he's probably just being defensive because he's overwhelmed and knows his situation isn't good. |
Anonymous
Not sure if this is meant as a "now" suggestion or a "post high school" suggestion, but how do you just make a kid get a job, when there's no motivation to do so? Apply for him? Drive him every day to make sure he at least shows up? Follow him around on the job to make sure he's doing it right? Or is it more a "put his stuff on the corner and change the locks, unless he agrees to get a job" type thing? |
Anonymous
When you have a kid who can’t do it themselves, yes you do the application and you drive them. Performance in school isn’t predictive of performance at work. |
Anonymous
What will make him work hard enough to keep the job then? Honestly curious - you can lead a horse to water and all, as OP is clearly so frustrated about. It isn’t just getting a job - it’s keeping one. |
Anonymous
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-Make sure he knows you love him, worry about him and want to help
-Forget college and don’t give it a second thought. Delete social media next year and don’t let any other kid’s plans affect your mood -Have a heart to heart about the future. Be clear that staying in your house after high school isn’t an option, unless he’s in trade school. Or he joins the military. I think he’s got to understand what’s ahead. I wouldn’t let a full time job or community college be options. -Hang in there! High school may be a low but there’s a lot more for him out there that doesn’t require the stuff he’s not into |
Anonymous
| What does he enjoy? If you let him do anything he wanted with his time, what would his day look like? |
Anonymous
| Try the SPACE protocol. |
Anonymous
What’s the difference between putting in nothing versus just a little bit? You’re obviously not advocating to quit your job and support the child 27/4 in all endeavors. So what IS worth doing? I know women who quit their careers, had tutors or therapist appts for their adhd kid 3x a week for years, learned ortham gilling themselves, etc. And they still have a single ADHD son living at home switching jobs every 12 mos. |