“You’re cut out of the will”- my dysfunctional family

[Anonymous]

I come from the most screwed up family. My grandfather, every time he would get into a fight with anyone, would threaten to cut out their portion of the will. Then they’d make up and pretend it didn’t happen. He passed away and my mom inherited a big chunk. Now she is doing the same thing. At the slightest argument she’ll say something like “don’t expect anything from me when I die.” I would rather not inherit anything than hear about it for the next couple of decades. Does anyone else have family like this and how would you handle it?

[Anonymous]

Sever contact. Easy.

[Anonymous]

Ugh me too. And the hilarious thing is that there almost certainly won’t be any money ik the estate anyway. Not gonna lie, this behavior was one big factor in my estrangement from my parent. When I found out he had literally written me out of the will that was pretty much it, I felt free to cut ties. Trust me when I say there was no behavior on my part that merited being cut out. The fact that at best my share of the will was going to be like $10k max made it even worse somehow - removing me was specifically to inflict pain, not even really about who deserves money. Since then my dad has claimed that I am no longer “out of the will” but hasn’t actually changed it AFAIK. He just says this stuff periodically to get attention and control.

[Anonymous]

That is my family. I tell them I think that's a good idea and don't call me when you are sick and need help. Disinherited means many things, and I'm not playing this game with you.

[Anonymous]

I've had to cut off contact with an abusive parent who has money. I have no idea if I'll inherit being the only child or if he'll spend it all. I don't care.

When your parent threatens to cut you off say "Good. I want us to have a healthy adult relationship based on mutual respect and not control. I don't expect anything from you but emotional support during my life."

And mean it. Plan as if there's no inheritance, and spend time to relatives based on the relationship and how they treat you.

[Anonymous]

Yes, that is just one of countless crazy things that goes on in my family. I keep low contact or no contact with the craziest ones. Expect the inherit nothing, but make it clear "you can do anything with your money, but I do not want to hear about it. I will get off phone, exit, not respond to text the minute I receive a threat."

My extended family is pretty cray too. When anyone tries to get the scoop on why I am not very involved with my FOO I just say "I don't feel comfortable discussing that." Even though the worst ones badmouth me, I take the high road. No need to defend.

It has taken a lot of therapy and a lot of life events to be able to have rock solid boundaries. They are often trying to pull me into the dysfunction. That's why you have to remove their power. Assume you will never see a dime and make it clear threats are off limits.

[Anonymous]

“Mom, that’s fine. I don’t want money to be an issue between us. Do what you like with your money, and just don’t discuss it with me. Let’s have our relationship be about other things.”

[Anonymous]

Money is not worth games. Go 100% no contact.

[Anonymous]

All of the above is great advice. I’d add, if given the opportunity (I went no contact), “Oh, it’s so generous of you to be concerned about my financial health after you’re gone. But don’t you worry, I finally checked my Fidelity statement and my tech stocks are going gangbusters!”

[Anonymous]

The point of specifically disinheriting someone - and telling them, no less - is the cruelty. If someone does this to you, you need to end the relationship. This person does not love you.

[Anonymous]

“OK? It’s your money and you can do what you like with it. But my life is mine and I’m going to do what works for me. If you want to cut me out of your will, that’s fine. But if you keep acting like this, know that I’m going to cut you out of my life. Make sure you mean it.”

[Anonymous]

Ignore her, OP. Apparently it's a turn of phrase for her, akin to going off to sulk, or saying "you're so mean, I hate you", or something equally childish. I don't think this is important enough to cut off contact, or deign any sort of reply. You just say goodbye and pick up the relationship when she's calmer. She's never going to change, and if it wasn't that phrase, it would be something else.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:All of the above is great advice. I’d add, if given the opportunity (I went no contact), “Oh, it’s so generous of you to be concerned about my financial health after you’re gone. But don’t you worry, I finally checked my Fidelity statement and my tech stocks are going gangbusters!”

I am laughing only because we just did this and parent was mad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I come from the most screwed up family. My grandfather, every time he would get into a fight with anyone, would threaten to cut out their portion of the will. Then they’d make up and pretend it didn’t happen. He passed away and my mom inherited a big chunk. Now she is doing the same thing. At the slightest argument she’ll say something like “don’t expect anything from me when I die.” I would rather not inherit anything than hear about it for the next couple of decades. Does anyone else have family like this and how would you handle it?

Yes, this is pretty common -- it's just garden variety control. Folks who have a lot of money can use it to (attempt to) control their kids. If they didn't have money, they wouldn't use money for control, but would most certainly engage in a myriad other ways. My mother was constantly screaming "I'll cut you off!!!" Ugh. I finally said "Who cares?" She never did.

[Anonymous]

"You say that often. Figured you would have disinherited me by now."

"Spend every last dime and enjoy doing so."