How did you set boundaries with your in laws?

[Anonymous]

Particularly if you and spouse are the oldest/first to get married/have kids...

[Anonymous]

In regards to what?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Particularly if you and spouse are the oldest/first to get married/have kids...

1. No is a complete sentence.
2. You are not responsible for their feelings. If they are angry, pouty, disappointed or whatever that they don’t get to stay with you unannounced for 8 weeks or whatever that’s their problem.
3. Understand that pushy, rude people hate boundaries. They are selfish and will react. Ignore them.
4. Never give in to manipulation, it only grows the beast.
5. Be mindful of not establishing faux traditions. You travel out on ground hogs day two years in a row and it becomes an expectation into eternity. Nope.
6. Be consistent, training boomers is like training puppies without the cuteness.

[Anonymous]

Keeping them on an information diet. Only announce decisions about our lives after the fact/decision had already been made, so as not to invite their input. Example: not sharing baby names after said baby is born.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Keeping them on an information diet. Only announce decisions about our lives after the fact/decision had already been made, so as not to invite their input. Example: not sharing baby names after said baby is born.

I definitely think that you’ll have to share the name after the baby is born. Could get awkward otherwise.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Particularly if you and spouse are the oldest/first to get married/have kids...

1. No is a complete sentence.
2. You are not responsible for their feelings. If they are angry, pouty, disappointed or whatever that they don’t get to stay with you unannounced for 8 weeks or whatever that’s their problem.
3. Understand that pushy, rude people hate boundaries. They are selfish and will react. Ignore them.
4. Never give in to manipulation, it only grows the beast.
5. Be mindful of not establishing faux traditions. You travel out on ground hogs day two years in a row and it becomes an expectation into eternity. Nope.
6. Be consistent, training boomers is like training puppies without the cuteness.

This is a good list - would add

7. Set boundaries w siblings too, who don’t understand “why you are so mean to mom and dad”. They may understand, one day, but that day is not today and…IME save your energy.

[Anonymous]

Have your spouse run point on communications and logistics with them.

[Anonymous]

We built a fence between our backyards, then we locked it. We haven't opened it since.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Particularly if you and spouse are the oldest/first to get married/have kids...

We moved out of state, life is 100000000% better now. No more surprise visits, no more taking DH on fun outings, no more taking my precious kids away from me to visit FIL's new evil spouse. Best of all NO more fights!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Particularly if you and spouse are the oldest/first to get married/have kids...

We moved out of state, life is 100000000% better now. No more surprise visits, no more taking DH on fun outings, no more taking my precious kids away from me to visit FIL's new evil spouse. Best of all NO more fights!

We are also out of state. It took a few years to get it down, but I’ll add having both sides stay in hotels or airbnbs when they visit.

It’s okay to go see them separately from time to time with the kids and leave one spouse at home too. Space made everyone get along better.

[Anonymous]

Remember boundaries are for your mental health and not to punish others.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Remember boundaries are for your mental health and not to punish others.

Looks like a MIL found the thread. People don’t put boundaries in place to punish someone. People don’t even put boundaries in place with people who are respectful, listen when they say no and don’t push to get their own way. Boundaries are needed with rude, selfish people who don’t listen and want to force their desires onto others.

The above post is a great example of what to prepare yourself for when you establish a boomer boundary. The in-law is going to view it as punishment because they aren’t getting what they want. You aren’t punishing anyone by saying no.