Helping set up dinners for elderly parents aging in place--advice?

[Anonymous]

My mother (88) and stepfather (92) are still in their house, my mom still drives, and they want to stay there as long as they can despite their declining health. (My stepdad uses a walker and my mom uses a 4-prong cane or walker.)

I just spent a week with them and realized that their biggest problem is dinners. They live in a small town with food they can pick up nearby (cafeteria, hot bars, fast food). But just deciding what to get and picking it up seems increasingly difficult. Many nights they're eating frozen meals. They also struggle with simply throwing the packaging away each night, taking the trash out, running and emptying the dishwasher.

They don't want Meals on Wheels if they can avoid it. Ideally, they would have a caregiver come in a few nights a week, maybe cook a simple meal or bring them takeout and clean the kitchen. Ideally it would be someone they know and trust and are comfortable with (not a changing rotation of strangers from an agency).

Has anyone been in this situation and figured out a solution that works? If so how often did the caregiver come, how did you find the person, what tasks did they do?

(And clearly, they need to move to a retirement home/independent living soon. But we've agreed they will try to get more "aging in place" help first and see how it goes.)

[Anonymous]

Is it difficult in terms of mobility, or is it cognitively difficult?

[Anonymous]

They still seem sharp and in pretty good shape cognitively, just that they seem exhausted all the time (making it hard to make decisions). My stepdad plays solitaire on his computer much of the day; mom is online reading about her various ailments.

[Anonymous]

But on top of paying bills and finances (as far as I could tell)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:They still seem sharp and in pretty good shape cognitively, just that they seem exhausted all the time (making it hard to make decisions). My stepdad plays solitaire on his computer much of the day; mom is online reading about her various ailments.

Maybe there is a senior center that can pick them up, so at least they will have daytime activities, and serve as a valuable resource for meals or pertinent information regarding meal assistance. Not to be blunt, but what they are doing seems really depressing. I know over a certain age parents can be extremely stubborn - and if they were always stubborn, it only gets worse. Should they really be driving? My guess is no, but no one wants to be responsible for taking that away from them and also no one wants to be relied upon for transport. Since you asked.

[Anonymous]

This was recommended on another thread https://naborforce.com/

But realistically, if they have the financial resources, an assisted living place is perfect for this. In many places they can have their own apartment with a kitchen, but it will have a dining room they can go to for meals as well. Many of them have continuing care, so as their needs increase, they can be accommodated.

I would look around their area at places. The sales staff are usually super-nice and they can go and have lunch at the facility and see that it’s not a nursing home, that it’s a place they can live comfortably but still be independent.

These places have sprung up in the last twenty years or so and your parents probably don’t even know they exist or think of them as the nursing homes they saw way back when.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This was recommended on another thread https://naborforce.com/

But realistically, if they have the financial resources, an assisted living place is perfect for this. In many places they can have their own apartment with a kitchen, but it will have a dining room they can go to for meals as well. Many of them have continuing care, so as their needs increase, they can be accommodated.

I would look around their area at places. The sales staff are usually super-nice and they can go and have lunch at the facility and see that it’s not a nursing home, that it’s a place they can live comfortably but still be independent.

These places have sprung up in the last twenty years or so and your parents probably don’t even know they exist or think of them as the nursing homes they saw way back when.

I’d suggest telling them that let’s go visit these, even though you aren’t going to use them yet, just to think ahead a bit. Maybe once they see a couple of places they will switch gears. Other than that, I would still seek an agency to provide a housekeeper type for 5 nights a week. They may not experience a bunch of turnover, necessarily.

[Anonymous]

Pp here. Not sure if your folks are local, but here are some places to look at that have facilities in various states

https://www.brightviewseniorliving.com

https://www.ericksonseniorliving.com/

https://kapdev.com/community-locations/

https://www.wyngateweirton.com/our-communities

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This was recommended on another thread https://naborforce.com/

But realistically, if they have the financial resources, an assisted living place is perfect for this. In many places they can have their own apartment with a kitchen, but it will have a dining room they can go to for meals as well. Many of them have continuing care, so as their needs increase, they can be accommodated.

I would look around their area at places. The sales staff are usually super-nice and they can go and have lunch at the facility and see that it’s not a nursing home, that it’s a place they can live comfortably but still be independent.

These places have sprung up in the last twenty years or so and your parents probably don’t even know they exist or think of them as the nursing homes they saw way back when.

I’d suggest telling them that let’s go visit these, even though you aren’t going to use them yet, just to think ahead a bit. Maybe once they see a couple of places they will switch gears. Other than that, I would still seek an agency to provide a housekeeper type for 5 nights a week. They may not experience a bunch of turnover, necessarily.

This. My family has had good experiences and a lot of consistency with HHA from Visiting Angels in 2 different states. It would be an ideal job for someone wanting extra hours after leaving daytime client, if your folks are pleasant they may stay for a long time. They are also trained to observe changes in cognition. We get a weekly written update or call which is really useful. My relatives were super resistant but have enjoyed the company and better health that came with better nutrition.

[Anonymous]

You could call around to agencies that have home health aides (Four hour minimum) And see if there are any who like to do meal prep and meal planning. Someone who will ask them what they like and make up a little weekly menus and then make sure the food is there and ready for them. And also take out the trash and do stuff like that. You could ask the home health agency if it would be the same person on a regular schedule a couple days a week.
What are they doing about bathing? Given their mobility challenges that seems like an issue. Do they have a shower with handles and a shower sheet and all that? Because an aide could help pay them a couple days a week too

[Anonymous]

Bathe not pay ^^

[Anonymous]

Seat not sheet ^^

[Anonymous]

I second the idea of connecting them with a senior center that serves a hot lunch.

My mother (81) eats her main meal at lunch and is fine with cold cereal for dinner. The socializing is also great.

[Anonymous]

I would have a housekeeper who cooks come in a few hours a day.

[Anonymous]

My MIL years ago picked out a group of aides who clean, cook, help her take her meds, etc. They are not certified senior aides or nurses or anything. Just people from her ethnic community who are paid to look after older people. They rotate days of the week, and now my MIL is declining and is prone to falls, one sleeps in her apartment during the night. My MIL plans on aging in place, and so far it has worked out excellently.